Welcome to my flowing vortex of unlimited possibility, where the only truth I know is my own.


~ Shadows among shadows~

I have decided to dedicate this page to the darkner sides of my writing, my dream spaces and tales. I wish not to dampen people with my darkness so have chosen to use this space to express those parts of my self and my experiences. We all have a shadow, I intend to love and embrace mine feircly. 


Shadows

Deep Contemplation

Deep contemplation faces me.

Darkness faces me, I remain a whirlwind of recklessness.

I find myself to be lost amidst the shadows,

The shadows consume my mind but I keep on pushing onwards.

The spirits hang above me, taunting my every judgement.

Bellowing among my magnetic field,

Poking at my every thought.

I float among the atmosphere with no ground beneath my feet, I live among the chaos, with my mind lost to the sky.

Am I really here?

I crowd all those around me, I taint all that I continue to touch.

For when they come to claim me I allow them to take charge.

Why is my mind so fleeting? So inconsistent and unreliable.

Why do I hurt the ones I love and let the others keep on using me.

How do I allow myself to fall not often but discreetly.

One moment I am fine, the next I can’t see completely.

I fall behind when I trust those that I do not know, when I think I can be held I tend to be dropped so fucking quickly.

I give myself to those I desire, yet they can never live up to what is it that I really require.

A burning love, a partnership a person to love completely.

To be loved and understood, to be held and accepted.

These things I crave but never do I accept the love by those who actually want to love me.

I keep my heart open and ready to be poked and prodded,

To be unsatisfied by the reality of those that do not love me.

I open myself up to those that have not earned me, but to those that want only to use me,

To use me for a moment of pleasure, A moment of freedom.

I let men dump their seed inside me, with no question about where it’s already been.

With no consideration for my temple, my vessel who continues to suffer.

That fights to rid my body of so much unwanted trauma, trauma I willingly took on, took on for what?

If not pleasure?

Am I addicted to the trauma of others?

To their pain and their sorrow?

Why is it I let those hurting use me as a playground,

Fuck me,

Bite me,

Touch me,

Be inside me.

Do I enjoy the pain I receive?

Do I thrive off others' drama and constant need for love?

Am I twisted and deranged?

Or am I naive and too trusting? Or maybe I’m both.

How long will I keep on letting men use me, abuse me and my heart.

How long can I keep letting myself be played, instead of being loved?

When will I love myself enough to not need gratification, to not need them to see and understand?

How long will I keep on loving, loving an empty void that isn’t supposed to be filled. Am I filling my void with toxins? With pain and misery.

Am I in love with the shadows, the chase and dark waters.

Tell me when will you stop letting this go on?

When will you become strong again.

With no need for a man to “satisfy” me,

for when they fuck me I feel something,

I feel almost love.

When they enter me abruptly, they seem not so present.

There minds drift away, lost in their voids of pleasure, that they forget to make love.

They fuck,

They move,

They hump,

but they do not love.

For they do not know how to love.



CHAOS

As I remain grounded in this bubble of infinite space I try with all of my soul being with all of my mind and heart to remain peaceful when my surroundings are consumed by complete chaos and havoc. My mind wanders to the vast depths of the pain that surrounds me, the anger that consumes me and the sadness that is projected onto me. I try to find peace amongst the madness and amongst the pain but it feels like it never ends. It feels like a neverending consumption of my peace and serenity.

I get lost in the abyss of the infinite space that surrounds my every step, I fall away into a vortex of peace, I detach myself from my surroundings and I fall into the divine and keep falling. My body feels like it’s disappeared, like i'm just left as a lifeless hole of nothingness, the pain keeps coming and the anger never stops, it never ends. I find myself falling numb, numb to the aggression that tries to penetrate my world. As I let go of myself I fall deeper and deeper into a very familiar reality, one that has taken me for all I am for as long as I can remember. My heart knows this is strength, this is real strength remaining in peace when only chaos and intense energy surrounds me, my heart knows this is how it's meant it be. Although my mind is lost trying to understand why this is my external reality when your external should be a reflection of your internal reality right? but then I remember this external reality that i'm experiencing isn’t just a result of my manifestation, it will simply go on and on if I am here or not, but for now, down to the choice of my own I am a part of this chaos, a part of this hilarious drama.

As my eyes close, I feel like I can breathe again, when my head hits the pillow, when no one is around when it’s my time to myself with only my energy to comfort and cradle me, this is when I feel most at peace. When the voices stop my mind can rest. Hundreds and thousands of voices consume my mind, they come and they go but it never really feels like they leave, they leave their imprint on my mind and then physically they remove themselves, but they always return and when they return its like they never left, but again there back with their voices, loud, obnoxious uncompassionate voices. Voices that never stop, never listen and only continuously blame, blame one another instead of actively listening to one another. When those voices hit their own pillows at night that’s when I can rest, that is when I am set free. Free to travel the timeless now with no projection from another on the outside. The chaos smashes against my head, heavily and with force it continues to smash my head against the wall, throwing its words against me like a one sided battle to the death, but the death never comes. The trauma pierces holes through my heart and fills me with utter sadness and grief for all those that are clearly in so much pain, stuck in their own vicious cycles of their trauma that they never let go of. This chaos is all consuming and hits me like thunder as soon as I arise in the morning, as soon as the sun reaches the sky I awake and all that surrounds me is sadness and frustration, but not of my own of all those that surround me.

This toxic liquid keeps flowing flooding every center of my body and every inch of my mind, this toxic liquid has no awareness of itself it just continues to pour, continues to grow and continues to drip, one drop at a time, each time hitting my power center trying to get a reaction from me, trying to make me scream, to shout and to give it what it needs to survive, it wishes to be fed and fuled but I refuse to be apart of it. I refuse to let it take me away from my inner peace, my inner calm and my inner connection to all that is.

It drags me out of my bed in the morning, forces me back to this waking reality only to greet me with its destructive point of view. As I awake I bow to this chaos, I bow down and let it express itself to me, with no judgement I allow it to regurgitate all of its sickness and pain to me with no reaction to please it. I allow it to flow, flow in and around every energy center of my body until I am yet again able to release it, letting it go with complete awareness and understanding that it is not my own and that it has nothing to do with my state of being. It only is a lesson, a lesson to teach me that life comes in many forms, energy comes and goes as it pleases and all I can do is remain patient, listening and caring for it.

I go through millions of cycles each day, I find myself continuously absorbing energy and then processing it and releasing it, it drains me to be completely honest, it takes up all of my time. This seems to be the only way, either that or I suppress all of the energy and pretend it isn’t there, pretend like everything is okay like nothing fazes me like i'm an emotionless robot that cannot be imprinted upon; allowing this to continue each day and before you know it I will be filled and controlled by this energy I will act out of this energy and I will go on spreading the disease among all that I meet, I will attract this everywhere I go.

Although this clouds me, although this consumes my reality I must let it go and accept what it is, accepting that things are exactly how they should be, that this is all happening for a reason, a lesson to teach me complete and utter unconditional love for all that is, to teach me the ultimate power of non-reaction, remaining peaceful and acceptant of the way that things are for now.


SATAN

The darkness among this world continues to go on. The evil of the people that use there power to cause pain.

The darkness of the abuse, the rape and the torture, to top it off the target being the children of our fucking future.

How do we continue to turn a blind eye to the evil that consumes us? The evil that infects the earth, how can it still go on.

I feel the pain at night when I am all alone, when I fall asleep I fall in to this dark reality of truth not of my own.

I fall among the pain that's embedded into our world and unconscious mind. I expeirence the sexual abuse that is happening on a moment to moment timeline.

It's sick to know that right now as I type this there is so many people in the world being truly hurt. Being broken from bone to bone and from mind to heart.

A sickness is felt in the bottom of my stomach, a deep beckoning of evil that continues to be fed. Is this meant to be happening, is this part of the divine?

Is this how things should be? Surely I can't just sit here and allow it to go on. What can I myself do to change this? To save the youth from pain.

My mind gets twisted when I look at all the facts, at the brutal reality that the more I look the deeper it goes, the further down the rabbit hole you loose your mind to the dark.

Satan is among us and he walks among the earth, disguised as you and me he continues to inflict fear playing his dirty tricks.

He feeds among the youth and the weak that cannot stand, he uses us as vessels in which we allow ourselves to bow down.

He sucks on the tit of man, absorbing all of the divine,

He continues to get fed.

He grows and grows as time goes on, spreading his seed he creates more of him, more of evil more of pain.

The circle of darkness has become more and more, hidden among the shadows disguised as heros that matter; people to be trusted, relied upon for direction and support.

They lie to us with sugar coated bubbles of comfort, traping us inside their shadows with no where to escape. For they run the world and this is not yet something that has been changed.

Maybe one day we can get them back, but for now they remain in charge and continue to inflict lack.

Taking all of our love and our precious freedom.

They absorb our hope keeping us hooked on endless pleasures, the forever growing possibility of gaining more and more.

They entice us with their words, with the possibility of being rich. They pull us slowly along the track watching every step that we continue to take.

They hear all the words in which you speak, they know what you are thinking before you even have a chance to really see.

The evil among "them" all, to Satan they continue to preach, to give themselves entirely to the darkness in which I speak.

Selling themselves to the shadows they become just another sheep, another weapon of destruction for satan to dearly keep.

To keep under his spell he continues to cast fear, fear among the minds of men forever feeding on there flesh and blood, with no feeling, no remorse.

This evil must be exposed, it must be accepted and brought to light. For it cannot keep going on among this beautiful heart felt life. Love and beauty must go on and the abuse has to be stopped.

So wake the fuck up and look at all the facts, it's all written there beneath the surface, beneath all of the lies, waiting to be discovered and ultimately teared apart.

Open your eyes and face the reality that this shit is really happening and the suffering must be stopped.

Be brave and stand tall, for the darkness cannot claim you when you no longer live in fear.

Rise above the evil and accept the truth of this. Satan is among us are you really going to follow?

Or will you stand against him in truth and in love. Ask your self this question and make a fucking start.

Face the darkness of the world and choose to live in love.

The time is now, again I ask, fear or love? You must decide.

Becuase this has gotten serious, the power of his wrath, it's terrifying to accept that he no longer needs to ask.

So now let's expose him for now is the time to rise.

The truth will be found and darkness will be stopped as will the endless lies.

Fear and pain shall dissolve,

We shall all begin to rise.

There is much that remains a secret, secrets left untold,

The silent endless cries.

Look beneath the surface and find out with your eyes.

See the truth and face it.

For Satan shall not go on,

And we shall no longer live in fear.

For we are never truly alone.



Short story- The Shadow

I cannot escape the wrath of this shadow that follows me. I see it lurking in the deepest and darkest parts of my mind. It wanders the empty spaces in the depths of my vast void, prodding and poking me whenever any or thought or idea arises. It doubts my every thought and capability. This Shadow follows me everywhere I go, I now see it in the blind spot of my eye every time I blink. No matter how far I go, it is always there with me.

As I sit here in my dark enclosed box, I try to understand what this shadow is? Who is it? And why it will not leave me alone. I smash my head against the wall trying with every inch of my consciousness. Every inch of my brain I search, in search of the ultimate answers that I seek. What does it want from me and why can't anyone else see it? it tells me I'm alone, it tells me I always will be, it tells me that i’m nothing.This shadow seems to be getting bigger, the more fear I have for it the larger it grows.. but I can't help but be terrified by it, it controls my mind, my emotions and now my life. How can I get away?

As moments come fast they leave me even faster, life passes me and I allow this shadow to take control of my life completely. It's far too powerful to overcome, it feels as if there's no hope left for me. This shadow has locked me inside of myself. It has crawled underneath my skin. It’s seeped into all of my blood vessels and I remain a victim to its wrath. It's sunk its teeth into my warm alive flesh and now refuses to let me go. My heart aches with sorrow and regret, it yurns for the light once more, just for a moment to feel that bright light seep in to my mind and soul. But I find myself broken down in every sense, I have no idea who I am, who I've become or how long I've been locked in this dark damp box that I now find myself in.

I have been consumed by darkness, fear and doubt for what feels like eternity now, I don't know how to overcome The shadow. As I lay here weeping on this cold hard surface, the shadow taunts me, it fills me with guilt, it fills me with evil thoughts of how to harm myself and how to harm others. The Shadow has grown bigger and larger than me with time and now towers over me, there's just no getting away from it.

Even as I sleep it finds it's way to me, no matter what realm I find myself in the shadow always meets me there. As I sleep this Shadow directs my dreams toward pain towards evil. I feel tormented and abused in every sense, darkness has finally claimed me as it's own. It speaks to me every minute of every day. It never had this much power or influence on my mind or decisions before, but now I find myself at it's complete service willing to do whatever it tells me I should. It's like I almost find this shadow both comforting and terrifying all at once, as I know nothing else could hurt me as it could destroy anyone or anything that tries to come close, it protects me but is fueled by fear. It loves me but won't let me be free, it wants me all to itself, it cannot think of anything worse than losing control, therefore keeps tormenting me to break me down more and more so that I continue to rely on it for false guidance.

I feel like my soul has been burnt by the toxic flames of the fear that consume my blood stream, my whole body is in flames, I'm burning out so quickly I don't know how long I will survive at this rate. My thoughts are fading, I am consumed by so much fear of leaving this box that is run by my master: The Shadow my new found master. It has the key to this box that I am eternally trapped inside, I am becoming numb as I no longer have motivation for anything, for I am not good at anything, I have no talents, I have no money no real friends what's the point in living, you tell me because I cannot think of one reason why? I don't know why I'm asking you if you wish me to stay here, you like to control me and make me miserable, you love to destroy my confidence and peace of mind, but why?

Why can't you just love me, why can't we just live in harmony together, why can't you let go of me? But then I guess I don't love you, I hate you, I hate everything about you, you bring me nothing but pain and sadness how could I possibly love you?

“You are weak my child, you have no idea who I am, For I AM YOU and you are me. You have never accepted me or loved me, you have feared me from the very first moment that you opened your eyes, you tried to shut me out and act as if I wasn't there. For you could not possibly exist without me in your life, you are light and I am the dark together we make upthe whole. From me, you can learn and require much wisdom of yourself and the world around you, just accept me. Do not fear me, I do not wish for control, I simply wish to be loved and accepted as a part of who you are.”

This echoed throughout my mind and consciousness but still made no sense to my broken down self-pitying mind, how on earth could this shadow be me? Why would I create so much pain for myself, why would I keep myself in the depths of sorrow and self pity, why would I let it rule my mind?


Dark Dreams


Game Simulation

4AM and me and Mao fell into a game simulation trapped on a level in another dimension of reality. During a war between the races we hid inside this abandoned house and kept getting raided by a huge army with a group of aliens/extraterrestrials, they now roamed the streets head to toe in heavy duty army gear engrossed with huge guns and weapons I had never seen before. They kept trying to find us every time they entered the house, raiding cupboards, rooms, floors as if they knew we were in there but we managed to hide away in plain sight from them, we kept getting away, we kept running, we kept hiding and hoping for the best. No matter what they put us through we were surviving with nothing living in fear of being caught but just fucking giving it our best shot, we survived for weeks locked away in this house, with endless rooms and endless doors this house never seemed to end. It was like a maze with no entrance or exit that we could find, one minute we were there alone and the next we had been disturbed by loud shouts and gunshots. We were trapped but surviving and still managing to have fun with each other, we knew this was it, die crying or die laughing, we were happy to die in this moment of truth. Eventually we fell into another level, another reality/realm and we met the master of the simulation...the master with no face..



Rape, abuse, confusion, acceptance?

 So I was with this group of women all connecting and happy and then one of them said we could all go back to her land and have a little gathering, so we all jumped in the van and went back to her land. As we arrived we walked into the living room and there was her husband having sex with some random young girl and no one reacted to it not even me, we all just accepted it as really normal as if we knew it was going to be happening on our arrival. The wife then went out to make a fire in the garden and the other four women followed her into the garden. I then for some reason stayed in the house with this man I was making a cup of tea and then he came over to me and stated pulling me towards him and trying to have sex with me, I remember not wanting to and telling him no but then after a little while of him trying I gave in and just accepted letting him do what he wanted with me. But at this moment before allowing anything to escalate I woke up, I remember waking up and thinking “oh i’m about to be raped'' But in complete acceptance and just not even fearing it as if I had become so desensitised to being raped and as if it was really normal.

As I went back to sleep I went straight back to where it all left off and just allowed my body to be used and I disconnected from what was happening as if I was so used to it happening and I just let him do what he wanted without even trying to get away. Then all of a sudden something switched in me as if I just all of a sudden became conscious of what was happening and then started fighting him off of me and I managed to escape and run away. Then I returned but this time not as my physical self but as an observer of the scene and an outside audience, this time I was just watching from above, watching him rape this woman and I was just watching this happen with no fear or anger or sadness as if what was happening was okay and was what was meant to be happening. Then the man started getting aggressive with her and started hitting her and I didn’t/couldn’t help her or do anything about it because I was only watching from above i wasn’t physically there anymore, I had to accept what was happening before my eyes and although the violence didn’t seem acceptable to me, I didn’t feel any fear towards watching this take place as if I was no nub to seeing it happen yet again.

I then witnessed him go through all 4 women and then I came back physically and we all left in the van, almost as if our mission was now complete, like we had just done what we went there to do. I then transitioned in to my observer perspective again and was suddenly back watching ver the living room again, it was a dark almost satanic room, dimmed lights everything dark, black and red with misty smoke all around, this time I remember the wife coming in to the front room but with a different man and they were having passionate sex whilst the husband was outside in the garden, then all of a sudden he comes back into the house sees what is happening and then goes mad and starts beating this man to death, which quickly moved from beating him to death to him then chopping up his body and the whole time I was just watching from above so normalised by what I was watching.

After this took place me and and all the women are suddenly back in the house and he's telling us what he did and saying how sorry he is for killing this man and that he is now a changed man and that he begs us for his forgiveness. I remember being completely okay with it as if it didn’t phase me and then all of a sudden we were all having drinks together taking acid and i’m pitched up in a tent in there garden??!! It transitioned one more time and we were all in the brewery in totnes together having drinks talking like friends and tripping balls on acid?!!! WHAT THE FUCK.



Upside down reality

 I fell into a dream state and ended up inside my home, everything seemed different though, not quite the same as what I had known it to be and look like, things were out of place and irregular, as soon as I found myself there fear consumed my body and mind. I began to see flashing images of an elder woman and little boy around five years old, lurking in the darkness , in the shadows of my own home. Skye remained up stairs in jamies room relaxing and mum had just gone out, every turn I would make I would see this woman and this boy, covered in blood, blood seeping from their mouths, hands and face. I saw visions of them eating people of killing people and they seemed to want me and my family. Skye wouldn’t take any notice of my claims, she said I was going mad and that she couldn't see anyone.

I remember smelling the blood and the rotten flesh all around me, I remember not being able to shake this eerie feeling that they were coming for me, that they were coming for us all, I remained terrified in my dream, all I wanted was to be safe and to kill them to prevent them killing all that I held close to my heart. I was being haunted and terrorised by these people. I remember leaving the house through the back gate in the garden and running for the life of me up the road to remove myself from the village from furzegood road. As I came to the top of the road I bumped in to chester, I was in tears and terrified, he looked at me in the eye and asked me what was wrong, I told him of what I had experienced and what had been happening and that no one seemed to believe me they just claimed I was going mad. I asked him to help me to get rid of these people, I remember so clearly him looking back at me , he said to me “ don’t worry my merrie I will take care of it.”

Time passed and I remained floating among this dream as an observer and when I ended up back at my house I remember walking in to my house and the house being covered in blood, I looked out of my kitchen window and saw hundreds and hundreds of dead bodies covering the whole back garden, the garden was literally festering with bodies decaying and even worse the bodies were being eaten away by hundreds of cute little puppies covered in blood and savaging through the body's like they hadn’t eaten in days. I remember it all feeling so real, it felt just as much real as a memory I have of something in my past, no different. It felt so real I could smell the body and decaying bodies the next day when I awoke, I felt different tainted by darkness.



A cult trying to claim me?

After I awoke from the dream above I went to the toilet and then went back to sleep. I remember walking in to a candle shop in the middle of a busy- unfamiliar town, as I walked in I remember distinctly noticing how prestennly white and clean everything was, everything was so perfect and early white, like when you walk into a hospital at night. I was minding my own business and one of the shop assistants came to me, an elder woman, she looked me in the eye and said to me “welcome home merrie, you’re safe now” I was so confused I had no idea who she was or what she was on about, I told her I didn’t know her and carried on looking around the shop, all of a sudden the blinds closed, I heard the doors lock behind me, as I turned round heaps of people came out of nowhere all wearing hoods, as if to be some weird cult, a man approached me, picked me up and took me in to a dark boxed room, he beat me, bruised me and hit me for hours with no word to leave his mouth, no explanation, no reason no nothing.

He locked me in this room for what felt like hours, I managed to smash the window open and I escaped, I ran through the streets hiding in alleyways not trusting anyone, everywhere I went people looked at me, stared at me, everyone I approached looked me in the eye and said “ welcome home merrie, you’re safe now” I kept running with full knowledge these men were after me, I ran and ran Iremember running for hours until I finally came to a bus stop, I thought about leaving escaping and never coming back, although that felt like a big deal in the dream like I wasnt aloud to.

As I walked upon the bus the bus driver looked me in the eye and repeated “ welcome home Merrie, you’re safe now” I ran straight off of the bus and kept running I was terrified I had no idea why I was being chased, what they wanted or what I had done, alli knew is that I couldn’t allow them to find me again. I was scared riddled with fear I didn't know who I was anymore, everything felt like a set up, like a game everyone else was involved with apart from me, it felt like a trap, one I would never be able to escape and eventually I awoke, and I haven’t felt the same since.