Welcome to my flowing vortex of unlimited possibility, where the only truth I know is my own.

My Ever Flowing Travel Journal

Australia- The start of a new life (January 26th - June 12th 2018....)

These following passages will be extracts from my personal diary, starting from the very first day of arrival here in australia. I hope you all understand my reasoning for starting from the beginning rather than starting from the most recent date, I wish simply to tell you my story from the beginning.. and I hope you all enjoy reading it. 

This page consists of my Journey and adventures when I first arrived in australia: My farm work, my travels around montville and then my Beautiful city expeirence in Melbourne. 

Yes there are many spelling mistakes and gramatical mistakes also but it's the messages that are important and my main focus is getting it all typed up.. one day I will have the time to fully sort through it.. Hopefully you can look past them.

"I am a vessel of Endless growth and Eternal love"- Mandana Tucker 

Brisbane Adventures 

Saturday 27th January 2018- Our Arrival.

“ We’re here! Everything has aligned so perfectly. I can’t even put into words how happy and content i feel here. So we arrived last night got to the hostel late evening, sorted out our bags and room and then went straight to the pub next door for a pint. We met so many amazing people, we literally met the exact people we needed to meet. As I sat down with my pint I decided it was a good time to call skye ( family friend) to ensure her we had arrived safely into the country, baring mind I had never met her or spoke to her ever in my life, but knowing she had been very close to my parents for over 25 years. When she picked up the phone she was unbelievably happy to hear from me, and was so helpful and gave us loads of reassurance that she was there to support us if we ever needed anything, she also told us she would try and help us out finding a job which is exactly what we needed to hear at that point, she explained she had a few contacts around her area and that she would get in contact with us within the next couple of days. Instantly as I put the phone down and explained to maozya how many great options had just presented themselves to us, we just looked at eachother seeping with complete happiness, we just felt that we were exactly where we needed to be, and after so much strife and trouble making the trip happen, we were so thankful to finally be in australia, free together at last.

We ended up staying at the bar all night and having great conversations with the owner of the bar, he loved us so much he offered us a job straight away but due to us wanting to be in nature on the farms we had to refuse. I noticed a girl, a very beautiful girl , but something just wasn't right, she looked sad but as if she was trying so hard to hide it, I approached her and began having a conversation with her, which I then followed by telling her how beautiful I believed her to be, and that she should believe it herself and how important it is to love yourself. We got into a deep conversation which followed with her bursting into tears, she told me that no one had ever said such lovely things to her before, and that she was in shock that anyone would go out of there way to be so nice. I felt very happy to have been that person to say to her what she deserved to hear, I was so happy that such an effortless truth impacted someone's life in such a positive way; foreshowing my ultimate path, my path as a healer, i’m here to help heal the world and the people who live among it by simply voicing my effortless truth.

Mao and I both learnt a very valuable lesson, To never jump the gun and get caught up in excitement that results in creating expectation, as it will only ever result in disappointment, the most important thing is being in the here and now, and to take each day as it comes. To role with the flowing energy and be content exactly where you are now. I’m truly grateful to be here, my dreams are starting to unfold, and now i’m here living my life to the fullest potential and spreading love everywhere I go. We have also both found a job on a farm in Queensland Gatton, and we start work on monday! Can’t wait to be living in our own house surrounded by beautiful nature, I can’t wait to be working hard and earning lots of money. I am a money magnet, money is energy and it is constantly flowing to and from me. I’m so ready to dedicate my time and energy in to the land and into manifesting the life I want to live. I want to thank the universe massively for making all of this possible for me, thank you for guiding me to exactly where I needed to be. Gratitude consumes my whole soul being, I feel still, calm and content. I feel free to be me, to go and do what I please whenever I wish to. The world in now in my hands and i’m going to do incredible things with all of my power. Love surrounds my every direction, for I am a vessel of endless growth and eternal love. "


Monday 29th January 2018- Our beautiful Gatton home.

“I woke up this morning at 6am because it’s so bloody sunny and warm here that I had no reason to stay in bed, plus the fact it was way too hot to stay in bed, I awoke with so much energy and with so many new exciting things to tell you. So turns out we ended up landing ourselves with a beautiful apartment, oh and on top of that turns out we are in fact living with the boss’s son, who’s technically the boss also, he’s 18 and really sound and I get on with him really well which is a massive bonus. Our other housemate is also really sweet so I am very happy and feeling lucky to have landed such an ideal situation! I feel very happy and content, and I am very grateful to the universe for allowing so much beauty to surround my every direction. We were meant to start work today, but due to a slight bit of rain yesterday worked was called off, but despite that we have landed our selves an amazing work opportunity. So basically we have been employed by an agency who have provided us with our house. So the system works like this- each evening we text them letting them know we want to work the following day, and then they respond with what time to be ready for and what work we will be taking part in, then we get picked up and taken to where they need us to work for that day, therefore each day could be completely different which I am very happy about because it means I will be constantly learning new things and I will be surrounded by constant change which i’m very excited about. We get so many benefits living with Reidy, because if we have any questions or concerns about the job, then he’s literally only a room away, plus he’s told us the ins and outs of the different jobs, so how it works is we just have to work really hard, stay focused, be fast speedy workers and show our dedication to the job, that way the farmers will ask to have us back which means we will have more frequent and constant work. So nothing can go wrong, i’m hard working, dedicated, motivated and more than ready to start working and earning some money. I am a money magnet and money is constantly flowing to and from me as money is an energy it is there to be earned, spent, saved and enjoyed. Thank you so much to the universe for putting me here in such a perfect situation, gratitude consumes me. Sending so much love out to you all, watch this space whilst I manifest my dreams into reality.”

Friday 2nd February 2018- The work begins.

"So much has happened in the space of a week. We started working on Tuesday, we went to do corn picking on one of the various farms around Gatton, when we turned up I had such a positive and motivated mindset, I felt ready for anything and everything the universe had in store for me. When we arrived we were quickly shown what to do then we were left to get on with it, firstly it was the most horrifically intense thing i’ve ever had to do in my life, so for one it was boiling hot, the sun was blazing at me at about 40 degrees, I had been instructed to come wearing a long sleeve top and full length trousers, and on top of that I had to wear a bucket hat, goggles and fucking gloves! I was sweating so much i never thought it was possible to sweat that much, I felt like I was melting and that I was slowly walking myself to my death. I was working so hard trying to ensure I was keeping up with everyone else, whilst sweating my balls off trying not to faint or piss myself, despite that it was the hardest manual labour i've ever had to do in my life. The aim of the game: the corn plants were about 6ft tall, the aim was the snap the branches low to the ground, then to take a screw driver and pierce a hole in the centre of the pod and then rip off all the leaves and hairs off all of the corn inside and then to snap it off of the branch then to chuck the corn in a huge bucket and then go on to the next one, baring in mind we were in the middle of huge corn fields so our job was to go from plant to plant in a straight row and harvest as much corn as quickly as possible.  


So I quickly realised I just wasn’t physically strong enough to carry the massive bins of corn up and down the field in the scorching heat, plus the fact I had come on my period for the third time this month about an hour before we had to start work, oh and there was no toilets there so having to change your tampon in a field full of deadly snakes was a pretty uneasy experience. After 4 hours of slaving away in the sun it got to the point that I almost fainted, we had a 10 minute break and when I started talking to mao who I hadn’t spoken to in over 4 hours because I was concentrating on not dying or falling flat on my face, I found that she was feeling the exact same, plus the fact it was also her birthday for fucks sake! What a way to have to spend your birthday! At that point we felt so physically drained that we didn't want to push ourselves to breaking point for the sake of money, we just couldn’t do it, we had to admit defeat. So we left the farm and started to hitch home. We actually got picked up by this amazing spiritual guy who we then went on to have such incredible like-minded conversations with. Turned out his sister had a farm and was looking for workers so he took us to the farm to meet her, she loved us straight away and offered us a job if we wanted it. At that point we thought we would have to find a new job and accommodation as we walked off the corn farm half way through the day therefore we thought we had lost our jobs, as the farmer had told us that corn picking was the easiest of the farm jobs, so if we couldn’t hack that then we wouldn’t be able to do any farm work! Bullshit is what i thought, no chance was that the easiest of all the jobs. So we discussed our options and decided to stay in our current accommodation, as we found out the job came with three strikes so we had three chances at different farms before losing our accomdation completely, so we decided to give chilli picking a go the following day, despite feeling broken from head to toe with bruises covering every inch of my legs and sunburn all over my face, I decided to keep moving forwards, there's no way I could of given up that easily.

We both ended up loving chili picking so much and have been getting given the best jobs; for example, Planting chili’s by hand,planting spring onions with a machine and  packing chili's. The farmers loved us so much that we even got to drive a traktor. Moral of the story.. Never give up even if you feel like things cannot possibly get better and even if you feel like your broken or breaking, because with perservance and a positive mindset you can achieve anything, things will always get better, after all you get what you put out, so if you refuse to never give up on yourself, the universe will never give up on you.

Each day has been such an adventure, i've been constantly learning new skills and working really hard, we now have full-time work with damian the chilli farmer! Feeling very happy that the universe is on my side and providing me with everything I need; great work, great money and beautiful people!

Our new routine- Wake up at 3:30am put on the hash browns, cover ourselves in sun cream head to toe! Have a quick breakfast, roll a rollie and walk to the pick up destination. Get picked up at 4:30am for work from coles, get in the back of the jeep and off we go to the farms to harvest the chillies! Finish work between 12-2pm get back drink lots of wine make a beautiful dinner, get rid of all the mud that covers us from head to toe and be in bed by 9 at the latest! BOOM WE LOVE IT!

Despite the positive mindset and my driven motivation, my body is in a lot of agony from the labour work that we have been doing, I have cuts and sores all over my hands and bruises all over my knees, legs and arms, but guess what? It’s so bloody worth it, I feel so accomplished when I finish work and proud of myself for working so hard. I’m so grateful for my life and for being here with my beautiful Maozya. I’ve been really enjoying cooking nice dinners, lunches and going shopping with my partner in crime, i’ve been really appreciating the simple things in life! On top of that it turns out I truly am a money magnet, I finally got my tax money back after trying for over a year to receive it, which has come at the perfect time to help boost my funds, plus i'm now earning so much money each day, everything is truly flowing, and I couldn’t be more thankful for the perfect alignment each day.. I’m very happy and couldn't be much happier, although i’m truly missing my beautiful tre so much and can’t wait to be reunited with him once again. Thank you so much for everything I have in my life and for the constant challenges and opportunities that are coming my way each and every day! I am my own GOD and I choose happiness, health, wealth, love and success. Bring it on, i’m on a beautiful path and am excited to live each day as it comes."

Monday 5th Februrary 2018- We are surrounded by so many beautiful people.

"Everything is truy flowing, it’s the start to a new week and i’m so determined to continue working really hard and manifesting lots of money. We spent saturday night at a little gathering with all the backpackers from the farm, it was a lot of fun and me and mao really let our hair down. We have met some really beautiful people since we have been here, specifically two french guys one called Guillaume who is such a vibrant beautiful spirit full of so much energy and positivity, as well his best friend Francesco, they are both such happy people who we are more than blessed to work with and to have in our current lives, we have been aligning ourselves with the perfect people since we’ve been here. On sunday a lovely group of us went to a beautiful waterfall called Crows nest for a picnic and a swim, we were lucky enough to see loads of little baby turtles in the water that everyone was jumping in to. I’m ultimately feeling very content with my life and how effortlessly everything is flowing, there isn’t one thing I would change apart from of course Tre being here to share all the amazing experiences with me. But part of our growth as a couple is allowing each other to grow and flourish in the areas that we need to and if that means us having time apart in order to get what we need done, then it will only go on to impact our relationship in a truly incredible way. I love him more than anything and am more and more excited about seeing him each and every day that comes and goes. On another note on saturday we are being moved in to a bigger and more beautiful house with all females, that comes equipped with a huge kitchen, TV and wifi! I cannot wait, so happy with all the beauty that engulfs my every direction."

Monday 12th February 2018- So much appreciation for my life.

"My mind is so consumed by so many thoughts, I’ve been needing to write for a few days now but haven’t been physically able to. So funny story, on friday night we went out to the pub where a DJ was playing and all the backpackers were there also for a big night out, me and mao got all our drinks paid for so we got maybe a little bit too drunk but we had a truly fun reckless night. When we were due to leave a load of fights kicked off outside of the bar, I stayed clear of them until I saw our recent house mate on the floor getting beaten up by some random guy, my instinct kicked in and without even thinking about it I ran over to him to try and help him off of the floor, before I knew it some guy threw me to the floor, I ended up cutting open all of my elbow, it was such a deep gash that it was streaming with blood. Mao got me home as quickly as she could, she literally found some random group of guys and made them drive us home, I was in complete and utter shock having a full on panic attack due to the amount of blood that I was losing. When we got back Mao cleaned it and bandaged it up for me. From that night onwards due to the cut being directly on my elbow bone my arm was completely locked in a straight position and I was unable to bend or move it, I was in agony there is so much swelling around the cut that I couldn’t physically move my arm at all, so i’m truly grateful to Mao for supporting me as she had to do everything for me, I was without one of my arms so she had to cook for me, help dress me she even had to tie my shoes for me, she literally helped me so much and i’m so lucky to have her here with me. I’ve learnt that not everyone can be saved and that it’s not my job to jeopardise my own health and well-being for the sake of fighting someone else's battles, I have also learnt that I need to be a lot more careful and aware of my body as although my mind is strong and powerful, my body is small and delicate and as much as that annoys me it’s just the reality, it takes nothing for a grown male to injure me. 


On top of this I have become so grateful and thankful to my body, I appreciate my arms, legs and everything so much, life became a struggle without my right arm, it’s made me truly thankful to have working limbs and healthy body. I cannot possibly imagine how hard it must be for people that dont have these things, my heart goes out massively to them and I am universally sending them all so much love and appreciation for living their lives so efficiently without having it easy. My arms on the road to recovery now and I can actually start to bend it, move it and finally use it. I was beginning to feel so useless, I am such an active person, I love doing things for myself and for other people, so much so that I became so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t do simple things that I love doing like cooking and writing. I felt so hopeless, despite this I have also learnt that sometimes I need to know that it’s okay to step back and allow people to do things for me, i’ve always struggled to allow anyone to help me, or to do anything for me, as i’ve always felt like I “should” be the one to do everything for everyone else, i’ve learnt alot from gaining this temporary injury and from this experience, I now know it's okay to sit back sometimes and to not always put so much pressure on myself to be perfect all the time, as it's very unhealthy to be so fearful of losing control. I’m very grateful to the universe for allowing these lessons to bless me, despite the pain of the situation that came along with them. I love my life and my body and am more than thankful for them each and every day. I find myself in such a happy state of bliss that nothing that comes my way could possible taint me or my purpose here: to grow and to learn. I am vessel of endless growth and eternal love, I have ultimate power and nothing can stop me. Money is flowing to me with ease and I am manifesting more and more each day.


We moved in to our new beautiful house on saturday with three other beautiful girls, we have a huge beautiful garden, a big kitchen and tv! I couldn't feel more at home here or more content with myself. I fully trust in the universe and am more than appreciative of how divinely protected I am and I really appreciate everyone and everything in my life. Thank you for everything I am truly blessed."

The Four Agreements.


> Speak with integrity

>Say only what you mean

>Avoid using thw word to speak agasint yourself or to gossip about others


> Nothing others do is because of you

> What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.

> When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you will no longer be the victim of needless suffering.


>Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.

>Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.

>With just this one agreement you can completely transform your life. 


>Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.

>Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.


Tuesday 13th February 2018- Time to move on.

"A lot happened yesterday evening, me and Maozya had a sudden urge to leave Gatton and farm work for good, we both feel it’s the right time to move on and it’s time to go and have some new adventures. Don’t get me wrong I love farm work, I really enjoy the work but due to our landlord we are at our final straw with all of it, she is such a dishonest women and doesn’t care at all about her employees, we are being exploited and she refused to come and have a face to face conversation with us so that we could all address the problems we had with our current living situation. Firstly our whole house is infested with bed bugs and she refuses to do anything about it, I am covered head to toe in bites, I have been completely savaged by them and so have the other three girls in the house, I have no bed and im currently sleeping on the sofa for $200 a week, and at this rate the sofas are soon to be saturated with the bed bugs also, if nothing is done about it straight away. On top of this we are being charged double for our transport to and from work and she never disclosed the hidden costs in the contract that we signed and she has refused to make any compromises with us, so we are both sick of it, we are going to finish this week of work and then we will be leaving on monday morning to start our adventures. 


It’s time for a new chapter to the story, and i’m very excited to move on and let go, as soon as you leave a situation that is no longer serving you a new beautiful opportunity will always present itself to you. I’ve learnt a lot since being here and have been presented with my fair share of lessons and am more than excited to be learning some more. I’m so ready to take any positive opportunity that comes our way, and i’m just really looking forwards to what australia has in store for us next. I’m feeling really grateful for all the experiences that are coming my way and all the people I have been lucky enough to meet. I’m learning more and more about myself each day and am growing more and more as a person. I feel happy to be alive and to be here with my best friend, everything positive and beautiful has been finding its way to us and I trust that no matter where we go we are going to be ultimately happy and content with both ourselves and our lives. My eyes and mind are wide open and i’m ready to take anything that comes my way. I’ve got the strength, positivity, perseverance and motivation to live a beautiful free life and i’m more than determined to continue working hard  to achieve all that I wish to. I want to thank the universe with all my heart for guiding me to where I need to be and for supporting and protecting me all the way. Sending so much love to the universe, my heart is open to give and receive the love."

Montville, Queensland

Tuesday 20th February 2018- Peace and Clarity.

"I’m here in montville, in the beautiful breathtaking mountains, which is about an hour and halfs drive from Brisbane. I’ve come to stay with Skye and Ray who have been my parents close friends for over 20 years now. They’re beautiful, loving spiritual healers, there home is consumed with so much beautiful energy, it's so peaceful and quiet here. The craziest thing i have discovered since arriving here is that I’ve been writing about this mystery vortex for a while now not knowing where it is or how i would find it, or if it even existed? And i’ve actually ended up being guided here, right here where i sit now in the middle of the sacred heart vortex, built up of rose quartz and clear quartz crystals, the energy inside this vortex is so powerful, i feel like i could manifest anything i truly put my heart and soul in to. I’m so grateful to have been guided here, i knew it was where i needed to be, but now that i’m here i know deep within myself that i’ve been brought here for a higher calling. I’m so thankful to have such incredibly powerful and loving energy surrounding me, i feel at peace with myself and content on so many levels. I now trust deep within myself that my higher self knows exactly where to guide me to, i soley know i am guided and divinely protected at all times. 


I am here to spread light and love among all the people i meet, i am here to heal and to love unconditionally without any expectation of reciprocation or reward. I affirm to myself once again, i attract love, passion, beauty and peace to my life. I am ultimately financially stable and comfortable. I trust that no matter where i am or where i go/end up, that i am always exactly where i need to be. I am free, i am a free flowing energy that is simply free to travel the depths of the universe, my heart and soul only consume ultimate love and divinity, i am connected to the divine mother earth itself. We are one, i am one, you are all one, together we make up the whole universe itself. I feel so blessed and so lucky to be having these experiences, i feel blessed to be alive. Thank you so much for my life, and for the healing powers i possess, thank you for allowing clarity and intuition to surround my life. I love you all endlessly. We are one and we always will be, i care for each and every being among the planet no matter the acts one may have committed or the words they may have misspoken, we are all reflections of one another and everything we do and say affects one another massively even if you are not conscious of the effects. Every action, every thought, every deed goes on in ripples of energy fluctuating and vibrating against one another. Ask yourself, am i happy with the energy i am giving out? Am i affecting myself and the world in a positive way? It’s never too late to change the way you view the world and humanity as a whole, it’s never too late to stop and think, to change the current course of your life if you are unhappy. Live love and let go, love yourself and your life, own that shit, you are beautiful and divinely protected at all times. Be grateful and compassionate for all that you have and all that you are, because no matter what we are all in this together, no matter how much the ego mind likes to convince you that we are seperate, the truth is you cannot change the reality of our ultimate oneness. We are all eternal, and when we begin to notice this in ourselves and in others we will begin to shine our light so so bright."

Tuesday 27th February 2018- Roll on the next stage of my life.

"I’ve been here in the beautiful mountains of montville for just over a week now, it’s been so nice to relax and rest after working so much and so hard on the farm in Gatton. Skye’s taken us to so many beautiful places since we’ve been here and has spoilt us completely, i feel very happy and ready to take on the next stage of my life. I am beginning to feel very restless from being out of work, i need to get active again and start working and earning some income. We’ve booked our flights and are off to stay in melbourne on thursday, i’m really excited about the next stage of my life, can’t wait to meet more amazing people and to manifest more beauty in my life. I have no idea how long were going there for or what our plan is but i’m just going to continue going with the flow and going wherever the wind blows me. There’s a few things i would like to lovingly ask of universe, i would love for some clarity and peace of mind too come about my cervix and why i have been on my period for 3 months now, all i ask for is to find out the answers im looking for as it’s very hard to sometimes remain positive if i know something is going on inside me, but not knowing what that something is. So please guide me through this next stage and keep me protected at all times. I just need some answers asap as i’m worried for my health and don’t want this to keep dragging on, as soon as i get to melbourne i’m going to go to the doctors and get some tests done, fingers crossed i receive some positive answers, fingers crossed that it’s nothing serious. Thank you for listening and thank you for being there, thank you for guiding me, i love you with my whole soul being."

Melbourne Adventures

Melbourne, Victoria

My beautiful Melbourne family <3

Saturday 3rd March 2018- Time to find a house!

"So the next stage of my life has begun, here i am now living in Melbourne, i’m currently staying at Maksims house (mao’s brother) for a few days until we manage to find a house to move in to. We went to look at a house yesterday, it was bloody beautiful, it came equipped with a pool, a music studio,a jazz room and much more, it was a truly beautiful home. The three guys living there were such sound people, really down to earth and genuine, the price for rent is also really affordable, so right now the situation is: They have been interviewing around 30 people to find the right housemates, which although they don’t know it yet, the perfect house mates would be us. So right now i am asking the universe to allow this opportunity to work out for us, i really feel as if its where we need to be, and the home we need to be living at. Despite the want to live there i also lovingly accept whatever comes my way and what chooses to unfold, as i accept not everything is in my control. I accept i will be guided to where i need to be, feeling very excited and positive to get back to work and to find a job reliable job, please bring me a great opportunity that is right for me as quickly as possible. All i wish for is to find a lovely home and to be surrounded by beautiful people and to gain a stable job that treats me with respect. I am willing to put all my time and energy into my job to help the establishment grow and succeed and so that i can earn a stable income to live on. Thanking the universe for all that i have in my life and more than ready to take on the challenges that are about to present themself to me. Sending so much love to all the beings among the earth. Wishing you all happiness and unconditional love to surround your lives and minds."

Sunday 4th March 2018- BOOM! Beautiful home here we come.

“Firstly i want to say a huge thank you to the universe for everything. We received a message off of the guys living in the big beautiful home, confirming that the room is now ours! Couldn’t feel more lucky and grateful to them and the universe for aligning us at the perfect time, with the perfect people. On our way to interview for the house on friday, when i was sat on the bus, i just got a sudden vision of us living in the house, something clicked, i had full body shivers run through me, i turned to mao and said, “we’re going to live in this house, i just know it”. I just felt it, i just knew it’s where we needed to be, no idea why or how but i just knew it. It was hard to know after the interview if they liked us or were going to choose us, as they kept there cards very close to their chest, as despite knowing deep down that they would choose us, i didn’t want to have any expectations as all expectation leads to disappointment, so i remained hopeful and accepting of whatever the outcome would be. In my mind all logic said we had a good chance but then again it potentially wouldn't work out as they were looking for a person/people to stay there until November which is the end of the lease, yet we told them we could only commit to 3/4 months at maximum as we are traveling and didn’t want to be tied down to long term commitments. So there you go we both got exactly what we asked for, we now after being in melbourne for 4 days have managed to secure a lovely home! So happy that it was meant to be and i can’t wait to move in tomorrow! Bring it on, time to settle in to a home with lovely people for a while and earn some good money! Thank you for making all of this possible for me. I feel so lucky to be where i am with my beautiful best friend having amazing experiences and a lot of fun! Couldn’t ask for anything more. I have the power to manifest all that i wish too, i am for one a vessel of endless growth and eternal love.”

Tuesday 6th March 2018- What will my next job role be?

"Dear universe, at this point of my travels I am seeking some guidance towards the area in which I am needed most in terms of working. It is such a big city that although there's so many jobs out there, it’s also hard to find work in hospitality because there is so much competition with the job roles as every backpacker living in melbourne is seeking work in these areas. I know deep down that there is a place i’m needed most, whether that is in hospitality or somewhere else, please allow for a good opportunity to come my way asap, as I am in deed of a solid income to pay the bills etc. My heart and mind are wide open and I am ready to receive whatever it is you have to offer me. I am a free flowing energy that flows to exactly where I need to be. I lovingly accept that with time, patience and positivity that job will come my way at the right time without force. In the meantime it would be really helpful if you were to send me some clear signals for me to pick up on just so that I have a rough idea on which steps I need to take next. Everything has been flowin really smoothly and I thank you so much for putting me here in this beautiful house with such beautiful people, I am eternally grateful for all that I have in my life. I am a vessel of love and growth and I will go wherever you guide me. I am a money magnet and I attract what I believe that I deserve and I will continue to grow on this positive path"

Sunday 11th March 2018- Time to Let go of Self Judgements

"Today I choose to let go of all the feelings I have been creating. Today I am deciding to let go of all the fear of not being good enough, not achieving enough and the fear of not getting a job, today I let go of all the jealousy I am and have been experiencing. Today is the day I stand up and let go of all the self-created illusions that I know aren’t real unless I allow them to be. It’s been hard to completely adjust to being here in australia, I am on the other side of the world to my Tre and all my family and friends, i’m living in a city which I never thought I would be doing and I don’t have have a lot of time to myself, so as you can see my life situations have changed massively in such a short amount of time, and I find myself not having a lot of time to reflect on myself and the current situations that are taking course in my life right now. In the past week reality has hit me hard and i’ve been putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect and to find a job straight away, i’ve been torturing myself and my mind so much and it really is time that all stopped now, it’s time to let go of all that isn’t serving me and to let go of all expectations I have of myself. I am perfect the way that I am, I am more than good enough, I am financially stable, I am loved, I will find a job at the right time and everything will fall into place when it’s meant to. Today is the day I rise up, today is the day I claim back my power. I AM GOD, I have endless amounts of possibilities and opportunities within reach and I just have to allow them to come my way when the universe decides it is the right time, right now my ultmiate lesson is patience, right now i have to allow things to just be"

Tuesday 13th March 2018- Getting myself back on track.

"I’m feeling really positive today, feeling full of energy and just so excited about everything that’s coming my way. I realised that i had fallen in to my ego self, I had been focusing on what i didn’t have in my life, rather than appreciating all the amazing things that I do have in my life for instance, I have a beautiful home surrounded by beautiful people, I am here with my best friend and I am surrounded by endless opportunities, I just got fixated on all the things that i couldn't see, I fell into the illusion of fear, fear of not having any money, fear of never finding a job. I have the most wonderful boyfriend that would do anything for me, a beautiful man that is coming 10,000 miles to start a lie with me, I opened my eyes and realised actually I am so rich, I am rich in life and in love, I have all that I really need in my life and there's no point focusing on the things that aren’t ready to come in to my life yet, and that actually I have to be patient and trust in the natural cycles of life, I have to trust in the divine flow of life and that trust that everything is in motion and that actually right now I am exactly where I need to be with everything that I need and more. I am so fortunate to be where I am today.

I am more than lucky, I am blessed. It's time to let go of what I think that I need and to actually allow things to flow in and out of my life when they are supposed to, It’s time to let go of the idea that I need to be in control of everything that enters my life. It’s time to trust in my higher self, trust that I am protected at all times and that I am being guided to exactly where I need to be. I have been making the most of having spare time to do what I wish, I have been writing, reading doing yoga and spending quality time with the beautiful people around me. I have been applying for jobs each day and being patient with the universe, I trust the right job will come my way when it’s meant to, I trust that right now is a time for rest, solitude and peace. I want to thank the universe for supporting me and for looking after me along my travels. I truly appreciate everything in my life and i lovingly appreciate all that surrounds me.

I AM GOD, I am a creator and master of my own life, I am a manifestor and I have all the power to create the life that I desire. I AM GOD and I love myself unconditionally and all those around me and connected to me wherever they may be. Sending the universe so much love, Thank you so much"

Friday 23rd March 2018- What an Intense week

Okay so, This week has been very full on, Monday we went to try out our new “job” which consisted of door-door knocking and trying to convince people to agree to having a meeting with the solar company in order to help them potentially get solar panels fitted on their roofs, to help save them money long term and to help the universe. The outcome was highly disappointing, the people were just so ignorant they just didn't even want to hear anything we had to say, they had no interest in getting solar power or even in hearing anything about it, the excuses were crazy, it was a smack in the face from reality to see how little people actually care about contributing to saving the planet, it actually really upset me to see the complete and utter ignorance. At this point of realisation I thought “fuck this” I don't want to spend everyday trying to convince people that solar is good for them and the planet, I mean it’s brain numbingly obvious and if they don't see that i’m not willing to force the truth on to them..Clearly there just not ready to see the truth yet. So after that day we didn’t bother going back, especially as we spent 12 hours walking around getting nowhere and also earning no money and at this point I have no time to waste doing a frustrating job that earns me no money and leaves me sad at the end of it. On Tuesday I went to have my Ultrasound which I will go in to in a second. On wednesday I went to an interview at a Jazz soul bar, it was such a beautiful relaxed place and I got the job which I am so happy and grateful for, I have no idea how many hours I’m actually going to get from it but I’m going with the flow and taking each day as it comes. I also have another interview at a call center on monday and on tuesday I have an interview at a film company as a film and Tv extra which I am very excited about. So as you can see there are lots of opportunities coming my way and this side of my life is truly beginning to vibe and flow and I couldn't be happier and more thankful to the universe for providing me with so many options.

But on the other hand.. I went to collect my ultrasound results yesterday to discover the reasons as to why I have been on my period for 6 months now. So I found out that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and on top of this I have some form of cervical abnormality, this therefore means that if I do want to have children some day that it’s not going to be as easy as simply conceiving, and it’s possible I may not be able to have children all together due to the cervical abnormality they claim that I have. This potential reality has hit me pretty hard, although I have always known deep down that i can’t or won’t have children, I have been almost preparing myself for this, despite this it’s one thing knowing this with no reason to then actually have it confirmed as a physical reality, It’s truly a hard thing to accept, i’m trying really hard to process everything but it really is a big thing, or at least it feels like a big thing to me. Having to accept that I may never have any mini me’s and that without a lot of effort and money it may not be a possibility for me in this lifetime, especially as I believe this to be my last life here on earth. It’s sad to have to accept that I may never experience being a mother, I just don’t really know or understand yet why this is all happening, and it also puts a lot of pressure on me to figure out what my actually path is and why I am here, now that being a parent is an option that is crossed off, I’m left wondering what the universe has in store for me in this lifetime and what my path is?

What do you want me to achieve in this life-time? Despite finding this out the doctors told me that all of this information and “results” are unrelated to me bleeding heavily for 6 months, so I had to have a whole load of other tests done in order for them to find out the cause of the bleeding and I am going back in on sunday to collect my results. I am sick of going to and from the doctors and spending hours waiting to be seen, I just want to know what is happening in side of my body and I am getting so frustrated being left in the dark and having to rely on the doctors when i don’t even really trust what they are telling me but it is the only kind of guidance and help i can recieve right now so i’m having to take anything i can get for peace of mind that there isn’t something seriously wrong with my body. My emotions are everywhere and my periods just won’t stop, I’ve been bleeding for so long now and I just want it to stop, it's draining me of all my energy. I’m struggling to balance everything when my hormones are all over the place. It's just so intense and i feel so lost trying to deal with this all on my own in a random city in australia with not much support around me as Mao is going through her own emotional stuff so I don’t want to put anything more on to her therefore i feel as if i’m just suppressing everything and trying to hold everything together whilst searching for money security so i can pay the bills and get my next meal. Answers please present yourself to me so that i can deal with the reality of what is happening inside of me and start to accept my reality for what it is.

Tuesday 27th March 2018- A Stage of Pain and Confusion

"I am learning a lot about my self currently, I have so many thoughts coursing through my mind, I feel lost in the abyss of my mind. I feel like i’m being tested to my limit in all aspects of my life, to my every mental, physical and emotional length. I feel lost trying to understand why everything’s been placed in front of me all at once, I feel suddenly stuck inside of my mind and unable let go of each consuming thought. I feel disconnected to myself but am trying my hardest to stay on track, to stay happy, to stay positive, it’s hard for me to stay in tune when so many challenges and obstacles are placed in front of my face. I find it hard to ignore everything that is happening around me and too me, I feel everything so deeply and care so much about every little thing, that i have become overwhelmed by the changes and new realities of my life. I’ve adapted to a life here and have lost myself in the details. I’m in a whole new reality with a whole new group of people, again i’ve lost myself in the emotions that im experiencing. I’m just struggling to give myself what i need, as you know i tend to fall into the habit of emerging with the people that are around me in the best way i know how, which is to make effort and try to maintain and build a relationship of trust and respect.

So much is rushing past me, so my knowledge, so many emotions and endless thoughts that follow, my hormone levels are everywhere which is highly understandable due to my period that just won’t stop, i’ve been on it for most of 4 months now, and atm i am still unaware of the reason why. It’s got to the point now that i find myself experiencing a lot of pain and anxiety, i’m stressed about the fact that i’ve been looking for a job for nearly a month now and nothing has worked out, expect for a bartending job I have 2 nights week.. I find myself stressed out about having no money, I am constantly surrounded by the thought of how much I miss Tre and affection especially right now when I feel so lost and all I want is some comfort and for someone to tell me everything’s going to be okay. I feel myself constantly worried about what else i’m going to find out about my health.. Coz at the moment its safe to say I haven’t been experiencing the best news.

I feel stressed and I need to blow it away, but I can’t stop obsessing about fixing everything all at once, I feel frustrated because I don’t have the control at this point, no matter what I put my time and energy in to the universe seems to think no, it just keeps saying no, it has its other plans for me yet again. There is some higher reason is to why this is happening at this point and why everything’s swarming me all at once. It's a fuck loads of tests and lessons in front of me, which i’m finding overwhelming having to try and figure them out all at once. I guess im finding it hard to seperate each “issue” so i’m trying to look at everything at once, but its fucking emotionally and mentaling impossible for me to do so, so i’m bombarding my mind with too much to think about. I feel lost, i’m really missing my companion, my partner in crime, although I know I can live without him happily, I ultimately don’t want to, I choose to be with him because I wanted to experience my life with him, help each other with every little thing, support each other through lessons and challenges that arise, it’s always so much more rewarding to conquer things together through love, support and care for one another.

I feel a bit empty when I don’t have my intimate partner around me, i’m just so passionate and find it hard to be without my loved one. One thing I have realised about myself is that I am fucking resilient, I never give up, and in this case I love my partner so much that although he’s not in my life there’s no reason or doubt in my mind that I wanna spend my life with him so I would never do anything to jeopardize that truth that we both feel and know. I have realised that no matter what happens in my life and that no matter how much shit hits me in the face I will never fall down, but I will experience feeling like I am in the process of falling down, but despite that I have noticed in myself that there is this part of me that will not allow me to fall completely down, and that it keeps me on a level where I am aware of how i’m feeling but always knowing it is temporary, it’s just a stage, it won’t last forever, and it’s my job to remain the light in my life, if my light burned out that’s when I would fall, but it won’t I have a part of myself that truly loves me, and is always there shining the light, I have something always guiding me and preventing me from falling. Despite what emotions I am currently experiencing in my life, I know it will get better, I know things will improve and soon make complete sense.

I guess I find myself to have fallen in to the drama of my mind and life, which is very easy to do so when i’m surrounded by lots of other people. I guess for me right now, part of the ultimate lesson is learning to keep my self balanced emotionally and mentally when living with others, because although at home I lived with my mum and brother, I didn't really live around them, I spent all my time on my own in my shed, writing, centering myself to aid myself from my daily life, but here i’m living in a house with 4 other people and most the time their partners and friends, so therefore am surrounded by so many others energies that I get distracted, and I haven’t been giving myself enough time to zone out of “the reality” and go within to listen to myself and to reflect on the things that are happening each day and each week. I’ve just been surrounding myself among everyone else, I haven’t given myself the time to fully stand back, and just review. It’s finally all caught up with me and now here I am finally realising i’m in this process and that I need time-out. I need me time, just to centre myself and to find the route cause of what’s happening for me right now. I need to tune in and find the answers i’m looking for, really I need to be writing more. Fuck another realisation, i’ve done it yet again. I’ve fixated myself with finding a job, and making money that i’ve lost my confidence as a person as a result of not finding a full-time one, no matter how sad this sounds its the truth, I feel of less worth without money, as soon as I don’t have it I feel like less of a valued person, I feel inadequate and knock myself so much. I also lose my confidence in my strength as a woman when I don’t have intimacy and sexual exchanges with a partner. I almost feel less than when I am not giving or receiving emotional love. I feel unwanted and unloved, it makes me feel almost useless to say the least, which I know is a stupid way to feel, but it’s the truth and I have to face the reality of myself at this point. I guess i’ve also realised that as a person I feel that I need a sense of validation from a person, in order to feel completely happy and content, which isn’t healthy at all and which isn’t the reality of who I am or who I want to be, but due to my fragile emotional well-being atm i’m struggling to pull myself out of this state of mind.

I am just finding life intense atm and just can’t really see ahead or in front of me, i’m facing a time of fogginess and uncertainty. Yet again the fear of uncertainty pops up in my life again, I don’t get why I can’t just let it be, why I feel like I should always know what’s coming next and feel like I need to always be in control, I just don’t understand why I have to feel everything so deeply and intensely why can’t I just feel something but then let it just pass me by, why does everything have to all build up and fit together in a puzzle in my mind till everything finally makes sense and then it falls into place. My mind works like a puzzle, every thought, every idea and every concept flows in and around my mind and doesn’t settle or stop until the puzzle finally fits together, it won’t rest until it finds the answers im looking for.

I have thousands of thoughts consuming my mind that create a sense of fog all around me. I fall in to my mind until I am able to understand fully my awareness of my current reality, until I finally get to the point that everything makes. I have a tendency to beat myself up when I don’t just get it all straight away, and when it takes me time to access and figure the situations and problems if you will, that are current in my life. I expect myself subconsciously to just understand everything, and when I don’t I get frustrated with myself, I criticize myself, doubt myself and instantly go into battle mode with myself. I become at war with myself doubting my every capability and my intelligence and intuition. I blame myself when things go wrong, I blame myself when things don’t make sense or when people are unhappy, I blame myself when I feel an unpleasant emotion or thought, I start to fight myself and make myself suffer. I take everything very seriously and begin to think everything is all my fault I get to a point where I blame myself for everything. I take all the abuse I give myself to heart and end up not knowing where to turn, I guess I fall back into the abyss of my mind and lose touch with reality, back to the dark corners and unpleasant vortex’s that exist in my mind. I guess my comfort and security at this point is in my mind, so i’ve been trying to gain control by obsessing about every point and every thought and situation in my life, but clearly that doesnt work and never has worked but i’m struggling to ground myself in reality. I’m restless and unsure of where i’m needed, where im useful and helping others around me. I guess I almost feel like I have no purpose at this point. Where do I need to be and what should I be doing?.."

Wednesday 28th March 2018- Realisations About Self

"I find myself at a stage of complete fog, Uncertain of what’s about to enter my life, I find myself stagnant and unsure of which way to turn. I had the scariest realisation yesterday, The shock of the realising where I was this time last year, That i was also going through a lot of pain and a stage of uncertainty overseas also waiting for my partner to come and join me on my journey, It made me think that i’m on a loop, although I’ve grown I’m in a very similar mental state and am experiencing a lot of the same lessons. (*Go check out “My Transformation March 2017") I’m not really sure what it means, as I believed I had grown past these lessons, I thought that i was over and done with this same negative shit, yet here I am sad, feeling alone, struggling to find a secure job and waiting for my boyfriend to get here, the thing is I know the universe is testing me right now to my every limit and it’s almost as if this is all happening to fully test my growth to its ultimate limit to see how far I really have come. Although I’m experiencing the same lessons, It's different this time round, I have a beautiful boyfriend that would do anything for me, who loves me unconditionally and who would follow me to the ends of the earth, on top of this i’m with my beautiful best friend learning and growing so much in a beautiful country with lovely people surrounding me, plus this time round I am not depressed and in mourning, I am just experiencing some sadness and a bit of disappointment which is a result of to much expectation of myself.

I’ve realised now in this very moment as I write these words that this next few months are the end of a cycle for me, the lessons have come up again in order for me to fully let go of all of the old bullshit mindsets and beliefs that do not serve me. It’s time to prove to myself that I can rise above anything no matter what it is and that I can let anything go that no longer serves me and that actually this time round I can and will achieve all that I wish for and with patience and perseverance I will get everything I deserve, so for now it's my job to enjoy the journey and to not get lost in all of the emotions that are free-flowing and to not attach myself to them or identify myself by them, This time i will allow myself to feel the feelings of anxiety, sadness and disappointment but I know that these emotions are not me they do not define who I am, or who I have worked so hard to become, I am far stronger, brighter and happier than that bullshit and right now it’s my job to stay in my light and love and to allow the situations around me to happen without getting lost within them and without attaching myself to them. None of these emotions are me and i need to keep reminding myself that I have all the power this time round as i am fully conscious and aware of what is happening around me and what emotions are flowing through me.

I trust that the universe is testing me in all the ways I need to be tested at this point for my growth and I trust that clarity will come when it’s meant to and that there is no point dwelling on things that i cannot change. I just have to sit back and just allow things to take their course and not spend time obsessing and worrying about money, work my health or future. I am a beautiful strong women and I have the power to manifest a life of abundance and love but i also know I cannot force things to take place. I have to allow the divine cycles of life to flow without expectation of the outcome. I now release all of my expectations of the future and surrender the outcomes to the divine.

I refuse to make the same mistakes that I made this time last year, I refuse to fall in to a pit of destructions and depression, I refuse to fall in to a victim mindset. I am my higher self and I am learning to be the best me that i can be each and every day and as each lesson blesses me with its presence. After all, this physical experience is all about forgetting who you are and then remembering through realisations of self and through observing the messages that find their way into your consciousness. I have just remembered my Truths, so watch this space as I take these tests with a pinch of salt and do not allow them to knock me down to the point I cannot get back up, I will never lose my faith and trust in the divine. Beautiful things are coming my way and I trust the universe will bring them to me at the right time, I also trust the universe will look after me in the process and ensure my safety as i do the same for myself and all those around me. Thank you for making me realise my truth’s and I will be patient with you and allow you to paint a beautiful reality before my eyes."

Friday 13th April 2018- So Many Lessons and So much Clarity.

"It’s incredible the amount of things I am learning about myself, I find myself in a vortex of lessons. Each day I find myself discovering new truth’s about myself, I feel like 

I am staring at myself in the mirror and not wanting to run away, almost as if the veil has fallen down. I have no desire to be anything other than who I truly am. I am a very passionate person, I feel things so deeply, everything I experience goes straight into my heart and soul, I feel everything very intensely. I find myself being completely honest about how I feel, what I want and who I am with no fear of what anyone else thinks. Tre and I established a lot of truth’s between us when we first got together. I informed him of the reality of who I was, an ever changing and evolving being that will never stick to one thing for very long, as the truth is my feelings change so much constantly, one minute I feel one thing and the next moment i feel completely different. I told him I am a very contradicting person, as I am forever changing I cannot make promises because I am a different version of self as each moment passes me. I said to him that I am probably one of the most contradicting people he will ever meet, not though spite, but because I can’t help but be 100% honest with the man I love, so when my ideas, thoughts or emotions change I will instantly express what I’m experiencing with him excluding how it may make him feel as it is very important to me to be 100% honest without adjusting my truth to avoid hurting his feelings I just cannot help but be ultimately truthful at all times it's just the way that I am and i know that isn’t easy for everyone to accept. I told him i’m a very intense and passionate and overly honest person and that it takes a very unconditional man to be with me and that i’m not willing to change myself or compromise the way I am or feel to please any person or partner. I have been honest that I am a free-flowing spirit that needs the space and freedom to go and be where I please and to grow in all the areas I need to without being restricted.

To my surprise he loves me so unconditionally that he allows me the freedom to be myself and to grow into exactly who I choose to be and he supports any choice and decision I choose to make, Although as a human being he has his own insecurities, he is unbelievable insecure and jealous therefore wants me all to himself and not even just in a sensual way. Which we both know isn’t the reality and a relationship needs to be based on unconditional love and freedom therefore I respect him so much for allowing me to do and be how i wish to despite how it can sometimes make him feel. Although I do worry that me being me affects him alot more than he makes out, I feel as though he may not be completely honest about how he feels sometimes out of fear of losing me, as he knows I would put him first and let him go which I know is the last thing he wants. I do not want him to be in pain and I will not stay in a relationship with him if I am causing him pain even if he says he can take it I refuse to be in a unhealthy relationship. I love him too much to hurt him so we will see what happens when I see him next. I feel very lucky to be with a man so unconditional and he is actually coming to visit me all the way from england in a a couple of weeks, I cannot wait to see him and to see how our realities come together. I have also realised that when it comes to sex i am a lot more liberal than maybe i’ve ever been conscious of as i have always tried to suppress my sexual energy out of fear of attracting the wrong people to me. As a part of my growth I need to be able to explore all areas of life that I am drawn to in order to learn as much about self as possible. I am at a stage where I feel a lot more clarity coming my way, I feel like I’m coming to a lot of realisations about the person I am growing into and I am really happy to be growing and learning so much about myself.

I went for an interview at a call centre for an outbound position and have pretty much got the position with Maozya! I am really excited about starting something new and to be able to start to build my confidence as an adult. It's going to truly take me so far out of my comfort zones, It's time to step up and learn more about myself in other areas of my my life and to push myself to try things that make me feel anxious. It’s time to really really believe in myself and my abilities as a woman. I’m ready for the next chapter of my life to unfold, I’m ready to test myself and to let go of any limiting thoughts that can sometimes consume my mind. It's time to flourish and to rid all doubts about my abilities. I am far more empowered than I am always conscious of, I am adaptable to all situations and I can thrive in any character role that i’m in need of playing. I am divinely protected at all times and i know deep within my heart and soul that no matter what I am a free spirit That is constantly evolving. I will never allow for myself to hold on to who I was last year, last week or even ten minutes ago, I am who I choose to e and I choose to be confident, strong willed, persistent and more and more eager than ever to continue learning more and more about myself and the world around me. I feel still and grounded and ready to take on everything and anything that the universe has in store for me. Bring it on, My heart and mind are wide open and i’m willing to receive all the love and knowledge that wants to make its way to me. I want to massively thank the universe for everything that is surrounding me, I feel happy and at home and I ultimately feel at one with everything. I love you all so much and wish only to pour my love on to you all."

Wednesday 18th April 2018- Call Center Training

Day 3 into training for my job, I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed with the amount of new information I have to learn and study, I’m fully out of my comfort zone and everything the job entails is all the things i’ve always doubted I was capable of doing for instance: being confident to have people around me watching me do things like being/talking on the phone, using complicated computer programs and learning lots of scientific shit that has never been able to stick or stay present in my mind, I literally couldn’t be further from my comfort zone than being in this job role, I have to study electricity and how tariffs and meters work, I have to have full knowledge of being a professional salesperson. I’ve thrown myself into the deep end this is truly the start to the biggest new character role I have ever had to play and adapt to. This is a new start to a new chapter in my life and I am in the process of going through drastic change of self and growth also. There is a little part of me that's trying to hold me back, there's a small part of me telling me i’m not good enough compared to the others, but I know it's not true, I know I will succeed as I know I can do anything and everything I put my mind and soul into. I’m going to continue to put all my effort into absorbing this job and making the very most out of the growth and challenges that continue to present themselves to me. I will be the best god damn sales person that i can be. I will succeed, watch this space as I enter the next stage of self… Bring it on.

Missing Diary..

I have misplaced one of my diaries so therefore am missing over a month of writing from the 19th of April - 29th of May 2018. I am on the hunt to find it and will type it up as soon as I find it... 

Letter from Tre- May 12th 2018

"Merrie, I planned on writing you something similar to this for when I left, although the situation is slightly different, the meaning remains the same. I’ll start by thanking you, I have learnt a lot about life in the last 6 months, for what you have taught me, showed me and made me realise. I am Grateful. My view on life has changed a lot over the time i’ve known you. The moment I met you I knew you were meant to be a big part of my life. Whether that was for less time than i’d hoped is besides the point. I am eternally grateful for being able to have you in my life. You showed me love like no other, when i needed it and no one else did. You rose my spirit and gave me hope, Thankyou. What we had between us until you left was again, incredible, very few people experience that with someone in their lifetimes and for that again, I am so grateful for. Unfortunately time changes a lot of things, In this case it hasn’t done well for us as a couple, but it has done very well in other ways to us as individuals. That is what I have to focus on throughout dealing with this situation, that although i’ve lost you as a partner, I have gained a lot of knowledge about myself, love, life and the universe. I have learnt to trust in these things and not let my mind control how i feel and react to things that are completely out of my control. I have learnt that to go through life with dependencies on people, Whether that be friends, family or partners, is not a way to true happiness. Whether you’re aware of these dependencies or not, is besides the point. I need to learn to depend on myself, like you I have work to do on myself. I can not truly be happy with anyone until I do that and succeed. I also have to focus more than ever at the moment, thinking about it I may put my exam back slightly, not sure if im 100% ready for that quite yet. I’m also very glad that I don’t really have any negative memories with you to think back on.. Helps a lot with everything thinking back and smiling instead of feeling sadness or anger. I accept everything, I accept that what we once had is no longer there. That how you once felt is no longer how you feel. I am able to accept these things because I have clarity. I see clearly what has happened and I understand why. My vision in this time is clear. Therefore I am able to look at it the way I have to, the way that's best for me. Regardless of how it turned out I needed to come here, This needed to happen and I’m glad it happened now and not in a couple of months. I’m going to focus on myself and look forward instead of down. I take positivity away with me and nothing else. I see that you’re experiencing a pain much deeper than this situation portrays. I see that what’s happened between us is only a result of this and is not the big picture. You have your own shit to sort out at the moment, whether you’re choosing to go about that yourself is completely up to you, I cannot force you to let me in. I understand that you have to go about this journey alone and I really do hope that you gain everything you need to gain. I hope you find true happiness in yourself. When you do, i’ll be waiting for you. Just Know that, You deserve the world and all the happiness it contains, I truly hope you find what you’re looking for Merrie. I wish you everything, nothing less. Thank you for everything you gave to me. You have truly changed me, for the better. You will always hold a place in my heart and soul. I’m certain our paths will cross again, whenever that is I look forward to it beyond description. Until that day, Look after yourself Merrie. Always yours, Tre X"

Tuesday 29th May 2018- Change is on the Horizon

I feel very content in myself and am more ready than ever to take up a new chapter. I had a truly beautiful birthday, I spent the wednesday night before my birthday having a mexican night with all of the plenty road crew, we all ended up staying up all night until the following day leading in to my birthday all talking and connecting, we were all sat in the studio going around in a circle telling each other what we loved about one another. I didn’t end up seeing and me and mao and kitty ended up going shopping on thursday in the cbd,surprisingly we felt okay, we had a lovely day and then came home drank champagne and relaxed. On the friday we had a pimps and hoes party, which was so much fun and I had lots of beautiful chats with all different people, it was beautiful to have real connection with different souls all in divine timing throughout the night. I had so much fun and truly celebrated my 19th to the fullest capacity. I ended up staying up till 10 the following morning and everyone went to bed except milo, we ended up almost sleeping together. But due to his drug in take it wasn’t a possibility, which i’m now actually thankful for, as when I was sober I realised it was to weird with the current situation, as he wasn’t and isn’t the person I want or want to be sleeping with, therefore i’m not about to just start sleeping with anyone for the sake of it. I have only ever slept with someone I have true desire and connection with and although he’s a lovely beautiful person, there’s just no point in my eyes and its a bit head fuckiung due to my current feelings and where my head's at and having recently just split up with tre. My head’s so messed up and consumed by ideas and thoughts about so many different possibilities and people. This situation I find myself in I really am not enjoying.

I went to get my tattoo done yesterday, with tradz it was truly beautiful meeting her and i’ve come away with a beautiful incredible piece of artwork on my body, I have my goddess tattooed on my thigh forever, it mars a very important stage of my life, it marks me standing up in my power, remaining in my light and always loving the goddess within, the head of the tattoo in the centre represents me the the two heads either side represent my two beautiful but conflicting minds, above the heads are the sun,moons and earth representing the ultimate connection to source with all beings. My wings represent my constant fluctuation of thoughts, ideas and emotions as well as the fact that i’m constantly flowing, changing, adapting and growing. The artwork also includes the throat chakra, heart chakra and bass chakra marking aspects of me that are very prominent in my life, as I am run by my sensual energy, my passion for life, my burning desire to learn and to grow and my intense passion to love and to communicate openly and honestly with all different types of beings. This is a time in my life where i’m truly setting myself free, free from anyone that knows me or holds any expectations of me, now is the time for me to go off in to the world and be the ultimate me, the highest version of self. Now is the time to connect so deeply with the earth that no distraction or person will ever be able to taint my view of myself, this is a time to stand up and shine in my light. It’s time to begin to truly embody the goddess that I know that I am. Big Thank you to Tre for booking this tattoo for me and making this all possible for me, I am eternally grateful to you for everything you did for me and how unconditional you were with me at all times. Sending you endless amounts of love and appreciation, thank you for simply being you.”

My Beautiful Goddess

Tuesday 6th June 2018- Time to Immerse my self in the unknown Alone.

This morning Maozya left, the day came for her to venture off and to continue her adventures on her own, I feel genuinely so grateful to have shared such a beautiful and incredibly fun 5 months with her here in australia, I have grown so much and learnt so much about myself and I couldn’t of wished for a better person to share that with. I love her so unconditionally and the relationship between us is like no other and I am eternally grateful to the universe for bringing her into my life. I feel sad to say goodbye as we have built up a happy, fun and comfortable reality together, a life of pure bliss and love, i feel sad to set her free but ultimately so excited for the growth we are about to immerse ourselves in to, I feel scared, like all my securities and stability has been stripped away from beneath me, for the first time in my life I am completely alone in the world which is both incredibly scary and beautiful all at the same time.

Now is the time for me to venture off in to the world alone to spread my love and light with no other person by my side, i knew this day would come, but it feels like its come so quickly, this five months has gone so fast, in a blink of an eye it all becomes a memory once again. I’m excited about what the universe has instore for me next,i have no idea what i’m about to walk into and I have no idea what lessons im about to presented with, but I trust that no matter what I am guided and protected at all times, and that I will always be guided to exactly where I am needed most. My heart, mind and soul are open and I am ready to receive anything and everything that gets thrown my way. I want to massively thank the universe for a the amazing ups and downs of my adventures so far and I lovely appreciate everything you have taught me and are currently teaching me now. Life goes so quickly and that’s something I am really experiencing right now, it is so important to enjoy and appreciate every single moment that blesses you, it is so important to live in the NOW as the current moment is all you ever truly have, there is no tomorrow, there is no yesterday, there is only NOW, and as long as you grace every moment with love, appreciation and acceptance everything will magically fall into place. It’s weird to sit where I am right now and reflect on the last 5 months of my journey so far, I have grown so much as a person and have achieved a life of pure love and bliss, everything has fallen in to place so perfectly from the moment I stepped off of the plane, I couldn’t of possibly wished for more, I feel ultimately blessed to be who I am, I feel so blessed for everything in my life; Gatton was an incredible way to start the journey I felt to happy and content living a simple lifestyle that involved a great deal of hard work that was so rewarding in so many ways. I met so many incredible people and had so much fun and earnt my self enough money to then move on to the next stage of my life. 

Before coming to Melbourne I had always said that I never wanted to live in a city , I had said I wouldn't survive in the environment and the truth is I can, I can effectivly work a 9-5 job 5 days a week and live this mundane lifestyle but I don't ultimately thrive here, I'm just surrounded by disconnected unhappy people everywhere I go, and me being me finds it very hard not to consume other peoples emotions and feelings, therefore I find it very hard to stay happy and shining my light when i'm consumed by so much disconnected energy that isn't my own. Although I can successfully do it, it takes alot more of my time and energy to do so, therefore drains me very quickly. I now choose to follow my heart that has always known where my home is, which is with nature, a natural life surrounded by trees and beautiful energy. I am ultimately so excited to go home and to connect back to the earth again. I am a forest child, I always have been and I always will be." 

Monday 11th June- Last Day On Plenty Road

Today is my last day and night living here on plenty road in Melbourne. I’m truly looking forwards to and so ready for a new chapter to begin, it has been an incredible 3 months here with all of these beautiful people, we have had reckless amounts of fun, parties and kick ons. It’s time for a detox from drugs, meat, dairy and the materialistic world all together. From tomorrow I will be officially trying out the vegan lifestyle, as well as the free flowing, open minded community lifestyle. I’m looking forwards to trying something new, and to being solely reliant on myself, it’s going to be the first time in my life that I have no attachments to anyone else, no boyfriend, no family members, no best friends, only new people and energies to immerse myself with. I’m excited to learn about community living and for all the new lessons that are about to unfold. I’m curious as to what the future holds and what the universe has in store for me next, i'm going to take whatever chooses to come my way and make the best out of all the opportunities that present themselves to me. I want to massively thank the universe for guiding and protecting me the whole time I have been here in Austraila and for always assuring me that everything always works out perfectly even if it doesnt always feel like it will, as long as you continue to have faith and to trust in the universe things will always make sense eventually, you just have to allow things to piece together in divine timing and accept that you don't always have all of the answers when you want them. Life's about the jounrney not the destination and that is something i've been beginning to truly understand. These 3 months in Melbourne have come and gone so quickly, in the blink of an eye I’m about to begin a new adventure again. In the blink of an eye this home, these people this life style and this version of self is about to become a linguring memory in my mind. I feel blessed to be alive, healthy and happy, thank you for everything. Bring on the next stage of my life and the next chapter of my story.

Tuesday 12th June - New chapter

So I’m currently on the plane on my way to the gold coast. Leaving everyone behind feels sad in moments, I’d grown to love and care for them a lot, I became apart of their lives and realities, it’s going to be so weird not waking up at plenty road, to rob marching around the house drinking his espresso in his really short shorts with shadow following along after him. I’ll miss falling asleep at night to the sound of Clancy sawing and banging wood, to not see Jordan bobbing around the house entertaining me 24/7. I have so much love for those three they were literally the best houses mates ever and made my time in Melbourne so much fun, they are truly beautiful and incredibly talented guys, I will miss seeing their faces every day, I will miss our family dinners and goon drinking nights, all the intellectual conversations that I didn’t always understand , I really love them very much and treasure my memories and time with them.

I wish them all the happiness in the world and will be sending them love and light to wherever they go or whatever they choose to do, I will always have a place in my heart for the beautiful plenty road crew. We sure knew and know how to have a lot of fun. So now is the time for a new beginning, it’s all starting to feel more real now, just me on this plane alone flying in to my future.. the space that’s going allow for me to grow in the ways that I need to, as I won’t be distracted or tempted by anything to prevent alignment with self, it will be me in nature in the forest writing, reading and doing yoga.. and hopefully vegan. I feel weirdly content as I sit here in this chair like I’ve done this all before, it a feels so normal as if I had even done it many times before. I feel so happy and proud of myself to be sat where I am today, I’m so excited for all the challenges and lessons that the universe has in store for me next. Bring it on, I Know and trust that no matter where I’m going it’s going to be truly beautiful. Thank you for everything, I am eternally grateful.