Welcome to my flowing vortex of unlimited possibility, where the only truth I know is my own.


"I Am a Vessel of Endless Growth and Eternal Love" - Mandana

"Where there is love there is life" ~ Gandhi

 Timeless moments swiftly pass me, through my fingers they continue to slip away. I loose all grip, all grip of tangible substances within reach begin to  dissipate. Leaving me alone, floating among space and time yet again. Floating as a entity, a lost soul in search of a place to call home.


♡ My Baby Blessing ♡

Deception faced me for many years, heartbroken, devastated and alone I faced what I knew to be the truth. Fed lies by those I am meant to trust, told of my lack of ability, lack of capability to conceive. I cried for hours, over days, over months and years. Accepting a harsh reality, the brutality of the reality I faced. Unable to bear a being, to carry and to grow a child. Unable to have a family of my own.

Processing, Processing, Processing, why? Why me?

In shock and fear I swallowed my salty tears, facing my sadness as I openly grieved. I grieved what felt like a death, a death before the birth. The fear I had always carried with me, became a reality. I bled and bled and bled, the bleeding never stopped. The pain of the loss that I hadn’t even lost, for how could I lose something I could never have from the start? A loss only became a loss when I was aware of what I could not do and what I could not have. I processed for so long, I quickly accepted this truth to be.

Lovinging I spoke with the universe, with compassion and understanding I thanked the universe, I placed my faith and my trust in the divine course of all that was meant to be. For who am I to question the path that is laid before me. I must accept, is what I chose to tell myself. I spoke with the universe every day, asking for answers, for clarity. Over time it just became the truth of what I knew my reality to be...

...2 and a half years later...

SHOCK.

SICKNESS

PAIN

CONFUSION!

I fell sick to my bed, sensitive to smells, sensitive to noises, awaking in the night hungry. Sickness consumed me, bellowing at the bottom of my stomach, I couldn’t shake the feeling in my body. It didn’t feel right. Am I sick or pregnant? I must be sick, surely. Time passed and nothing changed, I felt drained, low, hungry all of the time and so emotional. Constantly fixating on my feelings I would snap, Snapping at little comments and generally feeling a deep sadness. I felt a baby inside of me, I knew I had a child growing but I couldn’t seem to accept it. How could it be possible? When the chance is so little? I had always been told it was very unlikely I could conceive.

I fell into a deep sleep, in this dream space I saw a child; my child. I felt scared and sad. I’m not ready to be a mother. I finally chose to face the new truth to be, once I faced this truth I discovered I was 5 weeks pregnant. My baby blessing, A shock, a surprise.

WHY? why now? and how?

My baby blessing, a very real very physical lesson presented to be, presented to me by the universe, a blessing to show me that despite what others say you can and cannot do, that actually anything and everything is possible. Me and my temple can do, be and create all that we wish. I feel sad, scared, happy, every emotion is coursing through me right now. I feel the being speaking with me, I feel it growing and transforming. I feel sad that it isn’t the right time for me to keep my baby blessing.

I feel honoured to have been chosen by this beautiful being, to have been blessed with this new truth, this new knowing. I thank you my baby blessing, I am sorry I am not at a stage in my life where I can grow you, care for you and teach you, I am still learning this for myself. It would be selfish and unfair to bring you in to a world without stability, without any income or any home. You see I am floating, floating among the depths of my own soul. My physical reality is not yet ready to be shared with another being, one in which I would be responsible for.

I honour you, I love you unconditionally. I am making the best decision for you, for me and for billy. I have faith that one day your being will find its way back to me, when the time is right for all sides, when I am ready to embrace you for all that you are. I love you my baby blessing thank you for showing me my ultimate potential. You have shown me that it is possible, possible for me to have a family of magic, of love and creation one day. I spent so long mourning the fact this would never be.

Until you,

Until you came along to show me the actual truth. You will always be apart of me, of my heart, of my mind and my soul, No matter what form you consist of.

I love you my baby blessing, thank you for everything.


FACES

The subservient veil dissipates leaving scattered shapes of uncertainty.

Which path should I walk?

If not for the service of those around me,

If not for the service of only my self,

Whom am I meant to serve?

Which mask shall I mold to the complexity of my complexion,

Shall I remain faceless?

A shapeshifting face, changeable to my observance of reality,

Un-serving of anything,

But at the surrender of all?

When I awake my mask is bare, ready to be coded,

imploded by the bombarding of emotion,

Conflicted by the logic of my physical experience.

Awaiting my coordinates for my next unique placement,

My energy bursts, dispersing aggressively,

My face begins to change.

All still remains elusive,

Even with the awareness I know nothing,

Still yet still I have the knowing,

The intuition that guides my hopeless heart and my egoic mind.

They say one’s ego must die,

That the death of one's ego is the beginning of all.

A false truth, a lie, for the power lies within the connectedness of them all,

Heart, mind, spirit, all three must cohabit,

They must all learn to share a face.

They dance in competition with one another,

Pulling me in all directions I feel everything.

I feel the beauty of the love that echos deep within my heart,

I feel the pain of my mind that cries when confronted or doubted,

I feel the depths of the whispers of my soul that guide me.

I blindly follow the whispers,

Whilst I embrace the love that is felt within my heart,

But I continue to comfort and cradle the petty cries of my mind.

I live to tend to the three sides of my being.

I suppress none and do my best to embrace all,

Though this comes at a price.

The three parts of my being continue to dance and to fight,

In love & In pain.

For there are many restrictions among this apparent plain.

Penetrating reality with wisdom may be a mistake?

Be sure you're ready for this as there is no going back.

For if only I could just keep the face that remains a sleepwalker.

An egoic mask that brings only comfort and pleasure.

Trust me there may be light at the end of the tunnel, but amongst the light you will see all.

All the beauty and all of the pain.

Once the veil is removed,

Your face becomes your responsibility.

Your face becomes no more.


Bound by You 

My skin turns cold as the breeze elevates every nerve across my body.

Every hair is static consumed by the essence and entanglement of elements.

The dance between the two opposing substances,

The vibrant parade of the love that is shared.

The ever flowing stream of magnetism that binds them together as one.

A prison sentence that never ends,

But one of two who wish to be bound by the other;

Who enjoy to indulge in there river of creation,

their sea of protection and their ocean of depth.

Depth in soul, in heart and in mind.

A connection that grows as the flowers bloom, still blooming through winter.

The love grows stronger, amongst the chaos the beauty emerges.

Gently and with patience the flowers grow again,

Just to repeat the cycle in which they can exsist.

Forever entangled by the transparent universe that surrounds.

Unbound by all and bound only by love.

Together as one they grow,

Aiming for the sky they continue to look up.

Dreaming of life, of fantasy and of truth.

Dreaming of the amount of beauty that can be manifested through their love.

The creative flow of potential that surrounds them;

Their divine potential to be all and to expierence everything.


A Beacon of Light

The bright orange orb that lingers above me continues to pour its devoted sense of light into all vessels of my body,

All vessels of me become indulged into an abyss of hope.

A beacon of light presents itself to me, showing me the divine potential of all that I am.

It radiates its pure joy onto my skin, drenching me in its undivided attention.

Fueling me with its patience, its endless patience for the unfolding stories that continue to entice me.

Faith fills my heart and trust fills my mind, in this moment I know I am loved. Loved unconditionally by the universe that I am grateful to be a part of.

This incredible creature keeps me motivated, happy and focused on love. This profound beauty encourages me to feel beautiful.

Reminding me I am the essence of golden light, this encapsulating magic reminds me that I am all.

This luxurious light continues to pour its’ abundant energy into my mind, never greedy or questionable of its divine purpose to meet and greet us everyday.

Each day it rises, rising to ensure the natural flow of life is never tainted nor tarnished by its distance.

Rising to elevate the minds of all that exist on this vast plane of creation. She continues to radiate life, reminding us all that each day is a new avenue for growth,

A new opportunity to utilize this free and devoted energy that freely paints itself through us, For us.

I feel you with me always, even amidst the days you find it hard to shine through the clouds that hide your sky.

It’s these moments I appreciate you most, to know you are still there shining, strongly rooted to the atmosphere and with one purpose only; to shine.

Your perseverance is admirable, I feel blessed to feel you on my skin. To feel your presence.

Thank you for your devoted love and joy.

Thank you for shining no matter the weather or the obstacles put before you.

You are my GOD.

I love you.



~ My Distant Teacher ~

My distant teacher once told me that I could conqour the world. He told me that I was invincible and taught me to be bold.

My distant teacher taught me of love and of life. He revealed to me the secret mysteries, the hidden magic left untold.

He sang to me with passion in his heart, but he spoke his tongue with anger and was quick to jump the gun.

My distant teacher always loved me so, he used to take me to the rivers, encouraged me to grow.

We would roe along the river beds whilst the wind blew among my hair, he would look at me and tell me how utterly divine I were, to top it off so rare.

He cradled me when I grew sick, or when I felt so sad. He always told me things would get better and I swear they always did.

One day things changed for he could no longer be there, due to difficult circumstances he's fell amongst his bed.

He got lost in his anger , his pain and his oh so broken heart. At this moment I disconnected from who I had always held so dear, as I stepped away he soon became my not gone but distant teacher.

A man of mystery no longer there. He walked away to mend his broken heart, he went through hell and back to find himself and where to start.

For a long time I felt a hole deep within my heart, a missing peice of me that I did not know where to start.

How to begin to understand and accept the distance that split us apart. For I was young you see when it all began and I blamed it all on him.

For I didn't see the truth back then of why he walked away, I focused on my selfish needs and cast him far away.

Although the pain grew deeper, it was easier to ignore , to pretend as if he were still around as the distance was not so sure.

I felt it in my heart, when he looked at me he now saw my mother, which broke him even more.

I felt the pain he felt when he looked in to my soul. I knew there was no going back, that this was just the way it was.

I mourned his distance like I would mourn a death, a peice of me shattered. For I knew things would never be the same, never would we all be together as tribe again.

They learnt there lessons from one another and distance was only smart. So he took 3 steps back to focus on his part.

I felt broken for years as I never understood. Why did you leave oh mighty one? Was it my fault I'd ask?

Deep down I knew it was always meant to be, but my little heart didn't wanna accept the this truth to be.

Over time I began to understand, That love never truly ends. It just transitions from here to there, Growing, changing and adapting.

For that love they shared continued to go on, Vibrating among the earth. For no matter how much distance, The love would never end.

I loved him for the distance, appreciating all that came.

For without all of the lessons I would have never truly grown, I would never of become who I was truely meant to be.

Thank you for your distance, for your love that never ends.

I am greatful for my teacher and the part you chose to play.

Thank you for you lessons,

For your passion that flows through me until the end.


~Window of Reflection~

I see through the window of my reflection,

As I gaze into the unknown depths of myself.

I find myself to get more and more lost,

more and more consumed by the endless potential,

that I may or may not exist.

The endless whirlpool of possibility presents itself to me,

In the form of so many mirrors,

So many reflections.

Such an incredible amount of versions of self,

Dependent on every moment,

On every aspect of what shows itself to me.

 

To truly look at myself,

to face all the versions of self that I see.

All the sides of potential,

All the different faces I could choose to wear.

To wear, to disguise the empty void that cannot be explained,

That cannot be seen.

The options of face to put on every moment that arises.

Which face shall it be, for how can I trust this mirror?

This reflection upon a broken, tainted, cracked surface,

How can I trust what is shown to me?

For if I am all, all potentials, in every moment, which is the right one?

Tell me when you look in the mirror,

What do you see?

Do you see the self you identify yourself to be?

 

For when I look upon this mirror I think only of, what I could be.

I dream about where I’m going,

What I'm creating each day.

Each moment.

But I also see the physical me,

The physical perception of how I'm seen.

Which in fact I rarely do see,

I catch only glimpses,

When I choose to see.

 

How can I trust what is shown to me?

The cracks in this mirror show me the broken parts of myself,

The messy parts, the unhinged parts, the parts that others may not see.

So when I look upon this glass,

I am unsure of  who and what I do see,

I see all, I see the physical representation of me,

But tell me, is this really me?


~ My Mystery Man ~

You..

The mystery face that showed up to embrace me, to elevate me and to partake in, creative expression. 

Oh how I didn't expect you, or even straight away see you. For I was consumed by many other emotions , feelings and confusions.

But you stayed, close by me you stayed, even in moments where I knew you wanted to run. Would of been easier right? To disregard the truth that was in your face.

It's what most would do,

But not you.

For I am not easy, I am not always simple. Although my heart is pure and innocent, my energy is all consuming. Intense and passionate, fleeting and changeable.

I seem fickle to those on the outside of my heart, to those who do not see me, for my heart burns for all , exploding in every moment that pertains me. But I quickly move along.. changing.. leaving things behind that do not serve me.

I may contradict the words in which I speak, for in every moment I am changing, my mind, my life my heart. For nothing every stays the same. Every moment is oh so fleeting. 

I dance with life, flowing freely.

I fall behind very descretely, then one day I'm gone.

I follow my calling almost completely, in every moment that it calls I must leave.

Alot of the time there is no reason, no logic, no conclusion. Just a feeling that consumes me, a feeling that I trust completely.

I know how much this plays with you, for I understand the fragile state in which I exist to you. 

But just know, you are whole heartedly appreciated, embraced and loved in every moment that I am here and even when I am not.

For all that is and all that ever will be is, now.

So now let's dance, let's flow, let's grow with the waves of creativity, in passion and in love we find ourselves, we loose ourselves, we become.


~ My Mirror ~

The moment we met changed the course of my whole life,

never did I know you were destined to be my soul wife,

my best friend, my mirror, my partner in crime.

You see,

when it all began I knew, I felt the love, I saw the pain that would come,

the lessons that would consume every inch of my existence,

and oh did they come.

It took you time to see me, to appreciate what and who I was,

it took you time to heal and to truly see yourself as what you were,

but when it clicked I felt you become whole.

I felt you become all, as if a part of me had remembered a piece of my own soul.

The pain followed me, as I always knew it would.

The beauty of a mirror that’s so god damn beautiful,

I knew I had met myself.

This burned inside of me, destroying my ego and my mind.

You set fire to my heart, allowing me to truly grow.

Allowing me to feel the depths of the whole.

Everytime I looked at you I saw the version of me I wanted to be, a version of me I prefered to see,

a better me is what I had myself believe.

For a long time I was lost in my pain, I wallowed in the reality I had been faced with, as I had been faced with a reflection of self,

but I was unable to recognise this beauty in myself.

For I could only see the physical of you.

The physical of me remained a mere reflection, a mere glimpse in the mirror on my wall,

a reflection I never could trust.

I saw you and I loved what I saw, for sometime I also hated what I saw.

As I felt inferior, less than what I could see in you.

We merged together as one, with the same intentions, the same love,

the same soul.

One day it clicked in me,

How truly grateful I was to have you, to be a part of you & you a part of me.

One day I looked into your soul and I saw mine too.

At that moment I began to cry, to burst as it had taken me too long to truly see.

To see that all along you were just an honest mirror of me. The other side of my coin,

The bearer of my pain, my truth, and my love.

For you have the capacity to both destroy me and build me.

My gratitude for your existence could never be explained through words,

but I am where I am today because of your reflection.

You faced me with myself and there was nowhere for me to run.

I realised myself through you, 

You. 

My beautiful everything.

My beautiful Mirror.

I now fear I may never be seen by another,

in the way that you see me. 



~ The Goddess~ (06/02/2020)

The goddess roars as her lungs fill with liquid passion. She dances among fire and fears no one. She seeks all but nothing, other than the sheer desire to be free.

She spreads truth to those who may not be listening. She plants seeds in the minds of her fellow loved ones. With trust that those seeds will grow, sparking new pathways to form. For she loves all, all-one.

The goddess travels, travelling the depths of her darkness. She dibbles and dabbles in flames, flames of reality. Sometimes the goddess falls, when getting knocked down by the lack of appreciation for all she does.

Never does she stay down, for she knows the fall is what makes her stronger. Every time she rises, she rises with love, with acceptance and with clarity.

You, yourself may fear the goddess, for she does not fear you. Her lack of fear, terrifies the soul of man. For those who encounter the goddess, see themselves; they stare into her eyes and they see their soul. They see everything, they either want to run or they try to trap her.

To tame her, shame her, to keep her close; but not too close. For the man knows this goddess will not be here for long. The man knows, he knows she must spread her liquid passion among many men. He knows that only her king will spend eternity by her side.

The goddess understands the depths of what she is, She knows her being, her heart and her mind. She listens to the quiet whispers of the wind, as she follows her calling, never knowing where she will be sent next. For the goddess is a messenger of the GOD, She is the physical manifestation of love.

Her love is unconditional, all she wants is to be heard, held and embraced by those around her; but many are unable to provide her with this patience and this love, so she continues to walk her path alone.

She knows she is never truly alone and she is all, she is everything. No matter where she goes, the divine mother is always with her, the stars guide her and the sun inspires her; but she mustn’t get lost.

She knows her fate comes with pain and loneliness. Despite this, it is filled with hope, faith and trust. Trust that she is always exactly where she needs to be, with whom ever needs her the most. The goddess is self-less and empowered, she is “evil” and she is darkness. For she is the embodiment of the whole. 




~ The Mystery, the magic and all of thee (26/01/2020)

I surrender myself to the mystery, to the untold fantasies of my imagination.

I lose my mind amongst all of the minds that surround me; all of the minds that twist and turn as they begin to bloody drown me.

That continue to scream and project; their hidden and embedded desire to be embraced and to be loved. To be caressed and to be told. Told they are understood and accepted.

I lose my heart in the emotion of the now, in the emotion that swiftly comes and goes; That abruptly transforms my understanding of what it is I believe to be feeling.

The emotion overfills my every center, absorbing my body, absorbing my existence as a whole.

When I stop for a moment to reflect, I become still. For a moment everything stops and I become all.

I look into the distance, for the reassurance of it all, for the comfort that oh does cease to exist.

I keep looking in hope of something that maybe I’ve missed, that maybe I’ve carelessly overlooked, but I find myself to be still looking.

Looking for something that truly does not exist, looking for something more than what is.

I continue to wonder, is this just it?

Just this?

If so I am truly grateful, but why is it I still look?

Still I seek more of the magic that I know I cannot see, to see the magic through these eyes is simply a myth?

Or so I have been told. Told by many that my dreams are unfathomable, unbelievable and simply not real.

I continue to look, to seek what it is that maybe I cannot see, as although I cannot see it, I know I can feel it for sure.

That feeling is all that is real, all that is pure.

But..I will ever stop looking, stop seeking the things that I know I may never see. The dreams I have; I know they are real, even if I never get the pleasure to see them here in the physical.

All I know is what I feel and that goes beyond what I have been taught to think and to see, and how I have been taught to assess and judge reality to be.

Reality is what I make it right? So therefore the mystery is what I shall follow. The unknown that may seem scary to others, only makes me feel more real, more alive and more free.

Free to discover the depths in the dimensions that we are told we cannot see, for I believe we see what we wish to see and that there are no limits for me.

I wish only to see magic, the magic of all that is, the magic I know to real and to be true. I wish only to keep on moving, to keep flowing with all that finds its way to me.

I keep on moving through space and through time as we know it to be. I will never stop, nothing can ever stop me from the visions that I do see.

The beauty among all that ever were and all that ever will be.

The mystery.. The magic.. It is among all of thee.




"THIS" (Friday 13th Decemeber 2019)

Ideas come to me and they leave me even quicker, I have so many visions of creation, stories to tell, to write. When it comes to writing them I second guess myself. It’s been awhile since I put my thoughts to pen and to keyes. I’ve found it difficult to explain and to word what I'm experiencing, what’s happening around me and how I feel about it all. I’ve adapted again, my reality’s quickly changed, drastically changed if im honest. To go from the front room floor in the tucker house to now living in some random house in plymouth with my new found “house” family, the people I now share a reality with and a close one too. It’s been a huge emotional change for me more so than anything, a whole new world, a new place to create, grow and to learn. I seem to have lost the words to describe anything. It’s all just happening and I’m in it and I’m quickly changing and growing each day, keeping up with the new found requests of me and where I go.

Everythings just happening and I remain a witness to it all. A vessel in which life flows through me, a vessel in which the whole universe exists. A boundless void of everything and nothing, both simultaneously occurring at once. One happening in one single moment of time. A blip of existence.The beauty of the physical and of the non-physical and all the magic that surrounds them. One moment, One existence, One creation. A reality that only exists through one another. A reality of endless reflection, endless mirrors of both life and death, of nothingness and everythingness. None of this makes sense? But then it all makes complete sense, the beauty of the paradox. The contradictions of life continue to entice me with their sheer eagerness to confuse. Oh the beauty of it all, but don't forget the fear. Oh how I love you fear, how you make me want to grow even more, I thank you for your reflections, I thank you for my self awareness and my acceptance of pain. Oh how I thank you for showing me the other side of myself, I am grateful for all you have taught me and continue to teach me.

As I jump into the dark I trust all that unfolds around me. I trust all is as it should be, that this right now is all that truly exists, this, this in this moment as I type. In this moment that you read this. One moment. As I let go of fantasies and false stories about the future and how it will happen, what will happen, who I will meet what I will do. I choose to surrender all desired outcomes to the divine. I set them free as I set my mind free, as I melt into nothing. As I melt in to everything I accept all that flows to me and all that flows through me, I detach from the worry of what will come and I get ready to face it. I feel the energy flow through me, I allow it to use me as a vessel, I allow it because I know and I trust ALL energy is of one source. That source consists of only pure energy, the only true thing to exist, the make up of everything, the empty space that we all consist of. How I choose to perceive this energy is my responsibility, I must create beauty out of all energy. I choose to use this and to learn from this. I never know what’s going to happen around me next, I never know what's going to show up in my life, all I know is that I'm ready. I don’t know what for, I never have known exactly what for, all I know is that I am ready. In every moment I'm here, embracing the ripples that I am made of, what we are made of. These beautiful ripples of vibration that consume everything, the mother and father of all creation.

All I know is love, all aspects of love, the messy parts, the sad parts, the painful parts, love is all and all is love. This is the word I choose to describe the makeup of everything, it is the only word I know I can use to describe what all of this is.


I Once. (11th December 2019)

I once told myself that “I craved a love so deep that even the ocean would be jealous”,

I once told myself I craved to be held, to be loved unconditionally by another.

I once looked in the mirror and asked myself why I was so hard to love, Why everyone ran when my love was expressed.

I looked in the mirror and asked myself what everyone was so afraid of?

Why they ran when all I ever wanted was to connect, not temporarily, Not just during sex but to connect endlessly for life. I would ask myself over and over, why am I unlovable?

Why am I so intense And why can’t I just be like everyone else? Logical, able to connect and disconnect at the command of my mind.

I once wished that I would just change, that I could just stop feeling everything. I wished that I could just love less, and disconnect more.

I shamed myself for the expression of my heart and soul, I shamed myself because I kept getting shut down every time I opened up and showered another with my love.

I got tossed aside over and over as soon as my heart spoke.

I grew bitter as time went by.

Although I never lost faith, a wall began to build, a fortress of protection surrounding the walls of my heart.

I would tell myself over and over, Merrie you are love, you are divine but be careful. For your pure soul is of use to those around you, many just want to have a piece of that and move on.

I asked myself, should I keep on loving, keep on giving parts of my heart to those that want to run?

I pondered this question for years, I felt like a victim of my own love, my ability to just keep loving even when all I wanted was to stop, I couldn’t.

I still can’t.

I now know in this moment that I am unconditionally loved and embraced by someone; that someone being me.

I now know that those that run from me aren’t really running from me, but are running from themselves.

I decided I would keep sharing parts of my heart with all people, especially the ones that are scared, especially the ones that wanted to run.

For that piece of my heart they would carry with them for the rest of their lives and that for me is enough to know that love is endless, that connection is eternal.

My love is unconditional, I no longer wish to be anyone other than love. I accept the pain that comes from loving so intensely and feeling so perfrusly.

I honor my place here, I am grateful for the purity of the love that fills my heart, I accept many won’t stay, most will run.

I trust that one day, someone may stay.

I know my king won’t run, whether or not I meet him in this life or the next, I feel him in my heart and he is always with me.

One day I hope to experience being loved unconditionally by another, and even if I don’t.

I am thankful that I can experience what it feels like to love myself unconditionally, all of my parts, my messy parts, my dysfunctional parts, my emotional and irrational parts.

For I am love, which is a make up of everything.

My heart will never stop loving.

My heart will always be open, open and ready to give my everything in every moment.

I once feared being love, I now couldn’t imagine being any other way.


The Deceptions of My Mind ~

"If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself"~ George Orwell

The vessel of my soul.

The depth of my heart.

The illusion of my mind.

As I sit here I float among the delusions of reality, The confusion of brutality and the lack of humility and balance that surrounds us all.

The vessel of my soul grows vaster, emptier and more free as the depths of my heart expand wider for all of the world to see.

The illusion of my mind inside of my mind, and of the thoughts I mistake to be mine.

This delusion is what traps me inside of the mind of my own mind, the infinite mind, the broader mind, the mind consumed by ideas fantasy's and complex realities.

The truth is I don't know the truth at all, all I know is my own heart, mind and soul.

When my mind loses control it ducks and dives through the words in which to describe, to comprehend what it is I believe to be true and to be real.

My mind lies to my heart and incorrectly translates my soul.

All I know is that I feel love, love for all that is, for all and whomever I come to meet and all those that I don't get the pleasure to greet.

My heart grows more and more each day, as the connection of the world grows stronger, As the expansion of consciousness becomes broader and broader.

My soul knows what's next, where we're all heading to be.

It knows where I'm going and who I'm fated to be, for my soul is the universe and a part of the whole "we".

But the existence of my mind creates conflict between my heart and my soul, it creates fasards lies and forces me to cry.

The existence of the mind is cruel, Only set out to control and ultimately rule.

The mind needs control for without it it would simply not be, The mind fears the death of the ego for it will perish along with thee.

The heart and soul will always be real and be true, the heart and the soul will go on to share love, grow and heal.

But my mind will soon dissipate along with the fear, anxiety and chitter chatter. Only then will you see.

The heart and the soul will go on, the rest will no longer be.

All that will be is love, and all that is love will be.

Mandana

X


~Emotional Waves~


Emotional Waves (November 15th 2018)

When I was younger I had very little understanding of my own emotions, I was simply ruled by all of the intense emotions that I experienced. I spent my life making decisions and choices based on intense all consuming emotions that I didn’t realise at the time led me to make a lot of reckless choices, choices based on a fleeting moment that then went on to shape my future and manifested a reality that I wasn’t really in control of creating. I have always been a very passionate being, feeling both the extreme sides of sadness and happiness, and sometimes both all at once. I indulged in the emotions I felt, I identified with my emotions as I believed them to be only thing that was real and true to me. Due to allowing my emotions to control and rule my life I experienced a lot of dramatic ups and downs, one minute I would be unbelievably happy and the next moment I would be experiencing the dark depths of sadness, self-doubt and the fear of the unknown. My emotions almost became a second mind of their own, a mind that was very unreliable and inconsistent. I struggled to make choices and decisions and always found my self to be rather hard to deal with, I came up with this whole complex image of who I believed myself to be as I was always so indecisive and fueled by unsurity. I never knew what I really felt as my mind and emotions changed so quickly that I found myself to be very fickle and unsure of what really made me happy. I found myself to be constantly lost searching for something to fill the empty void that I felt within myself, searching for something to help me maintain a positive and happy state of mind as I was exhausted from being continuously sad, depressed and anxious.

Over the years I have began to really understand my emotions a lot more, I now have discovered how to remain equanimous whist always allowing my emotions to flow freely through me but without quickly attaching myself to a quick fix of happiness or sadness to guide me or make choices for me. I have truly learnt and now understand the way in which my emotions work for me and truly can sit back and witness the emotional wave take place without jumping to any sudden conclusions. I have learnt that as I am a truly empathetic being as many of us are, we tend to experience a lot of fleeting emotions and feelings that aren’t even really are own, but we just absorb others emotions all around us. One thing that I have really learnt is that no matter who you are, no matter what material objects you have, or what job you have or relationship you find yourself in, every single person experiences moments of happiness, excitement, sadness, anger and frustration, after all we are all human and cannot dismiss or pretend that these emotions do not arise, as we are all individual and incredibly unique, of course we experience these emotions in very different extremities depending on our conditioning or upbringing.

The important thing to understand is that ALL emotions are fleeting, although they can feel so real and so incredibly powerful and intense when experiencing them, they always pass, they come and go so quickly as everything does in life. All emotions are just various different filters that we temporarily view life through when we absorb and experience each of them.The problem is that none of us have ever been taught how to process or understand our emotions so when a feeling of sadness arises we quickly fall in to a sad state of mind viewing the world around us through a tainted filter and through a warped lense, therefore viewing ourselves and others in a light that isn’t the reality of what is true or real overall, it is merely real to you in that present moment. The emotion takes over your mind and you quickly attach thoughts to this feeling, you quickly find a reason or something to justify why you must be feeling this way, you quickly conjure up something in your mind to make yourself feel as if you have reasons to feel this way. But the truth is mot of the time we don't have a reason as to why we are depending these emotions, as emotions are free flowing they come and go as they please, they have no real meaning or significance unless we attach meaning to them. Otherwise they are just in fact flushes and waves of energy that temporarily consume your vessel. The thing we fail to recognise is that over time, when we are unaware that these emotions do not define us, we begin to build up this tainted view of everything that surrounds us and an image of yourself that isn’t real, we begin to live through this lense and hold on to this emotion that was meant to be only fleeting, we hold on as it’s a sense of identity and security, as it’s a safe place to remain in your mind where you have the control over how you see the world and yourself, after all if you are pessimistic about life then you can never be really disappointed as you expected the worst anyway.

As time goes on this sadness consumes you it becomes you, as you clung on so tight to that one fleeting moment, you have now created a whole perception of yourself that you struggle to let go of. This eventually results in you developing depression and anxiety, as you now have held so much importance to these emotions that you have now manifested and created a whole mind state that is so powerful as you have fed it so much power over the years. You then find yourself unable to let go of this mindset as it is undoubtedly in control of your life as it is now the way you perceive yourself and everything that happens to you. You see when you see the world through a lense of sadness and fear, no matter what situation aries you find yourself always viewing it from a negative perspective, critically picking it apart and finding the faults , therefore you never really appreciate the things that flow into your life because your so consumed by self-pity and doubt that you no longer see the beauty in life as the sadness rules your mind and life, you still may experience moments of happiness but for some reason you have allowed this emotion to be fleeting but have chosen to cling on to the darker side of life as you believe it to be a more realistic way to respond to life as it is safer and you believe you can never be let down if you already think the worst. Also due to the fact that you had never known how to see emotions as only fluctuating fleeting moments, you had never been taught how to remain equanimous as emotions arose.

Every emotion is meant to be fleeting, after all we are here to experience all emotions so that we get to experience life through many lenses temporarily, but ultimately when you take emotions away you just remain calm, peaceful and equanimous, watching life happen around you, as after all you will always be only a witness of life. The important thing to understand and recognise is that although it may not feel like it at times, you have complete control over how you choose to react to your emotions, yes you may not be able to control what emotions arise, but your power lies in what you retrieve from experiencing that emotion and how you choose to deal with it. As I have always been a very emotionally animated person I truly understand how hard it can be to let go of emotions, they feel SO real? Because there are real but they are only real in the moment you are experiencing them, the most important thing is to simply do nothing. Do absoluting nothing when an emotion arises, sit back and witness your mind try to conjure up a reason as to what’s caused this emotion to spur, sit back and witness how your mind quickly tries to jump to something you did last week or something horrible someone said to you or about you that wasn’t fair, sit back and witness how quickly your mind creates this whole story that now feels so unbelievably real that you believe it with your whole heart and mind, sit back and watch your mind convince yourself that there are reasons as to why you're experiencing these emotions. Because the truth is that all emotions are simply just energy, our body’s pick up on this energy and then we feel it and at the same time as feeling it our mind tries to understand what this energy is? It tries to find a box or category to put it inside of, it does not rest until it thinks it understands what this energy is and why you're experiencing it. But ultimately when you sit back and allow these emotions and this energy to flow through the whole course of your whole body, mind and soul, just watch how it triggers your traumas and past versions of self because it’s almost amusing for me when I observe how my mind tries to create so many false scenarios in my head to pull me in, so that it can remain in control of how I perceive the world around me.

When you start to observe your emotions as they come up instead of just quicky falling victim to them and holding on to them, you will start to gain so much wisdom over the world around you. You will begin to see all emotions are temporary, we all experience emotional waves at different times and we have no control over how or she they fluctuate, it’s just the way that we are designed, we are designed to experience all emotions, but we are not designed to attach ourselves to them. It is our responsibility as conscious beings to remain equanimous when emotions arise, to allow them to course through you and then to let them go not allowing them to taint your view of yourself or your life as you understand that they do not define you, you look around you and realise how divinely blessed you truly are, you realise how abundant you are, how much love you have surrounding your lives and how incredibly blessed you are to have the opportunities to work and earn money to have a roof over your head, food in the fridge and so many loved ones around you.

You look around and realise that no matter what emotion you are feeling in that moment, your overall state of being is unconditional love, you begin to understand the importance of not allowing emotions to rule your life, as when they do this gratitude and appreciation for your life quickly dissipates as you see everything through a warped sense of reality that you don’t really believe in. It is so important to allow yourself the time and space to just feel the emotions you're experiencing, allow your mind to do what it needs to do, just allow it to create stories and try to aggravate you, give yourself time away from everyone to allow this to happen, some of you may even want to write all that you feel as another release. Never act from a place of emotion before you have processed how your feeling, as when an emotion initially arises it is at its heightened point of the wave therefore everything feels dramatically worse or better that it really is therefore if you act from this state you are acting from an irrational and careless state of mind and are projecting all of your erratic energy on to everyone else around you and therefore portraying a false version of yourself.

We all need time to process what we are feeling and during the processing period we begin to gain clarity, we remind ourselves that this feeling is temporary, it will soon be gone and will no longer be real, you remind yourself of all the amazing things you are blessed with in you life and then as your emotion begins to fade you remember how you are only left with acceptance and appreciation, you understand that you have just been on your own adventure of your incredibly unique mind and emotions, you are only ever left with clarity and knowledge of self when you go through a processing stage as so many things arise that you didn’t even know were there as the emotions triggers many traumas that are stored in various parts of your body, blocked up energy that only release themselves when you allow yourself to delve within the depths of your past experiences that you have refused to let go of.

Many people just want to suppress their emotions, they make themselves numb so that they don’t have to process or feel their emotions because they find them too intense to deal with on a daily basis, the thing many people fail to recognise is that they are such powerful beings they are blessed and gifted, the fact that they feel their emotions so intensely is a blessing in disguise, it provides them with so much wisdom if they just allow themselves the space and time to lash out on their own to cry and laugh and shout and release all of the pent up energy that they may be experiencing, once allowing yourself to do this you are left feeling calm and free, like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. It's just so important to realise how much more enjoyable life is when you become the observer of your mind and emotions, I know what many people think that I’m crazy and mad for saying all of this and that it’s easier said than done, but it really is simple. Of course it’s an ongoing process, it takes months, years to understand your own emotional wave and to be able to take yourself away to process your emotions and not allow yourself to act out of pure emotion before processing what your experiencing. All it takes is a powerful mind, a desire to live an equanimeous life and to be able to look around you and understand and see how blessed you really are for your life. All it takes is time out to process and then reminding yourself of all that your grateful for in your life and expressing your appreciation for all that surrounds you either in your mind, written down or out loud and then just blowing out the thoughts and feelings that emerged inside of you and then just allowing yourself to move on and focus on your passions.

Focus on putting all of your energy and emotion in to what you love, move on, let go and get on with something that fills you with happiness and joy. After time passes and you have been continuing to do this practice over and over as any feeling arises , you will begin to reprogram your mind, you will step into the observer of your own mind, you will now understand and see your emotions as tools for growth and wisdom instead of terrifying all consuming feelings that you wish you didn’t have or a hidden pent up boulder of energy building up inside of you due to the suppression of your feelings that eventually bursts out resulting in erratic and impulsive behaviour and actions.

Over time this practice and state of mind becomes real to you just as sadness once was the state of mind you retreated to when anything happened around you. This equanimous state of mind becomes an automatic response to all emotions that arise, no matter what you are feeling temporarily or in the moment, over all you remain in an equanimous state lovingly appreciating all that happens and unfolds around you whilst being grateful for the intense moments you get to experience as life would be a bit boring without any emotions. You will begin to appreciate these emotions as a part of your daily life but you will no longer hold on to them, or fear them, you will no longer allow them to control your life. You will only ever make choices and decisions when acting from a heart space and a centered clear state of mind after having allowed the storm inside of you to settled down and melt away. Over time you realise that no matter what happens to you and no matter what emotion is spurred from that situation, although it feels intensely heightened in those moments you understand it will pass as everything always does.

Time goes so quickly, things change so fast, life is too short to allow yourself to remain stuck in a vicious circle falling victim to your emotions never allowing yourself to ever really move on. YOU have all of your own power, you have the ultimate power: The power to control how you react to everything that you experience and everything that happens in your life, and that is by far the most incredible power of all.


Unconditional Love Is All There Is


Unconditional Love (13th Novemeber 2018)

There is a huge difference between unconditional love and conditional love, many are unaware of what unconditional love is and many even argue that it is in fact impossible to love without conditions, many say all relationships are based on conditions that work for one another to keep the relationship together. It is said that in order to have a “healthy” “win-win” relationship that you rely on doing specific things for one another in order to keep eachother happy and in order to make sure you are providing your partner with what they need to be happy and satisfied with the relationship they have chosen to be in. When living at the community in Australia Natural bridge, I partook in a relationship course, out of pure curiosity to discover how people are being taught to have healthy relations with one another and I was genuinely very surprised with the information and “knowledge” that was portrayed and given to me, I was informed that unconditional love did not exist, of course me being me straight away questioned this and disagreed with what she was saying but then she followed to explain that she believed all people expect certain conditions when they have relations with other people, for example I was told that if you make an agreement with your partner and end up breaking it that you then lose your partner's trust and therefore portray that you don’t in fact love them as if you did you would of stayed true to your word, you would of of stuck to the condition that you promised you would stick to.

I do not believe this to be true, I agree yes it is important to have integrity, but I believe it is also important to understand that when your living in flow and living spontaneously life always brings you situations that you never saw coming, life always surprises you with twists and turns and if you are solely aligned with your truth and are living your best in your NOW experience that you will always jump at the opportunity to seize whatever chooses to flow your way, therefore if you choose to for example take up one of these opportunities when you had planned to come home and help your partner with the house chores or you had a dinner date planned ect, I do not think that it is fair to hold your partner to this change in heart and to hold them to not loving you because they changed their plans or didn’t stick to the agreement they had made. I believe that as a loving accepting partner you should accept that plans are always subject to change and that you should accept that things always happen for a reason and not to hold that against your partner. I believe that if you truly love your partner or friend that you have to allow them the freedom to choose whatever they wish to choose in every present moment no matter what agreement you may have had, as the most important thing in a relationship and life is your OWN happiness. I believe a relationship can only ever truly thrive if you are both responsible for your own happiness, not having to rely on one another to keep you happy but to just forever hold space for them so that they are free to wander the depths of their own universe following what calls to them without having expectations over what they choose to do, and not expecting them to always stick to an agreement, as if you truly love your partner you will always want them to be following their heart and following their own inner calling not allowing for anyone else's opinions to affect or change the course of their life.

You see I believe the reason why a lot of relationships fail is due to the amount of conditions there are within their relationship and the amount of ridiculous expectations that we all hold over one another. Relationships break down so quickly now a days, in the beginning you fall head over heels for each other, you're both just so infatuated by one another as you want to learn and discover everything about each other, you spend all of your spare time with each other and just immerse yourself into understanding one another's mind and world, you almost become blind to everything else that’s happening in your life as your world now consists of them and them only, you just focus and fixate on that intense new found love that you feel towards them. After a while this burning “love” begins to fade and you now have all of these new found commitments to one another. You now have a routine that entwins both of your lives but is solely reliant on compromises and agreed conditions. As beings we are all so different and never truly want to be surrounded by people or our partners all of the time, we all have our own dreams and own passions, but when we get in to a committed relationship we begin to lose a lot of ourselves trying to please the other and trying to ensure the happiness of our other half that we start to put our own dreams on hold, we put our “relationship” first as we become comfortable engulfed in the security of one another’s arms. This results in so much pressure being added to the relationship as you are both trying so hard to be true to your word, to stick to plans to stick to schedules that over time you start to grow a resentment for your partner, you start to blame your partner, you become bitter and you find you never have any time for yourself or to practice your own passions as your relationship takes up all of your time and life outside of work. The more committed you become to one another the more conditions come along with it, its the just the way it seems to manifest as many of us fail to understand that our partners happiness is not our responsibility, and that actually if we really loved our partners, we would love them no matter what they choose to do. No argument or disagreement or decision would possibly change our love for them. But when our relationships follow this unhealthy pattern as time passes, you suddenly awake to the reality that you are unhappy, you feel trapped you want to be free to have new experiences with new people and to find yourself again as you’ve spent so long immersed and intensely entwined with your partner that you have lost all sense of self, you have lost all independence as you have been thinking for the two of you for so long now that you no longer even know how to just think for yourself, you no longer even know what you want or what makes you happy as you’ve been focusing on how to make the relationship thrive and grow. This only results in one thing, a breakup, and normally a very painful one.

When you wake up and realise your unhappy because of your lack of self love and independence, you begin to take this out on your partner you begin to blame them for suffocating you for holding you back, because after all it’s easier to blame others than to take responsibility yourself. Things continue to go down this road but as you’ve become so reliant on them for your happiness that you have also grown terrified of being without them, for you don’t even remember what that feels like anymore, you now find yourself so attached to this person but so resentful for this attachment that you find yourself in an all consuming battle within, you feel so much love and so much hate all at the same time that you just find it so hard to let go even though you know you are so unhappy. Eventually you both end up not being able to take all of the ups and downs as this has been happening continuously throughout the relationship as you have both been unaware the whole time that you haven’t truly been loving one another unconditionally, despite being unaware you have always had that feeling within you that you don’t feel completely fulfilled or happy, but you’ve pushed this aside and tried to convince yourself otherwise as you wanted to convince yourself you were in love and that you had no reason not to be happy. You never understood that your love has always been based on “if you do this i’ll be happy” “if you stick to this agreement I will continue to love you” “as soon as you change your mind or change your plan i’ll be unhappy” you had no idea that the whole time you had been holding each other to so many expectations that you had been suffocating one another the whole time, you had both unconsciously manifested this unhealthy attachment to each other, you didn’t even realise that you were actually holding each other back and you had actually been preventing one another from growing throughout the whole relationship.

Any of this sound familiar? It’s safe to say this has happened in the majority of my relationships and it wasn’t until fairly recently that it all clicked for me, I had always understood the difference between conditional love and unconditional love but never had really experienced anything other than this type of relation that I speak of. It wasn’t until I was in a clear grounded space in my self that I realised that I hadn’t truly been loving myself or any of my partners properly as I had always had so many expectations of them and of my self to try and always be perfect for them, when they didn’t meet my expectations I would get upset and take it out on them, when really I was the only person responsible for my unhappiness the whole time, for the only thing that I can truly control is my own reaction and my own choices. Real love does not come with any conditions or expectations. Real love does not die or dissipate it is just subject to change with life and the things that choose to unfold around us.

Unconditional love is endlessly loving yourself and others with no expectation of reciprocation or reward, but simply always holding space for yourself and others with complete acceptance and appreciation for all that is and with complete acceptance that you cannot control or change your partner, if you choose to be with them and share your life with them you have to allow them the freedom to make choices based on their own accord without any influence from you and without expecting them to do as you wish. Unconditional love consists of loving yourself and others at all times no matter what they have said or done, therefore simply loving them for who they are as a being no matter what happens or changes and accepting that when you hold space for one another you actually allow the relationship to continuously grow and flourish as you are allowing both yourself and your partner to stand in your own truth’s following your own passion’s. This way even if circumstances do change and your partner meets someone else or you have a lesson elsewhere that doesn't involve them, your love for them will never die or dissipate it will just change as everything is subject to change, that is how the universe works, for nothing will or possibly can ever stay the same. Unconditional love is about loving the universe and all that exists passionately, fiercely and ultimately freely. Always Realizing and acknowledging that unconditional love is an ultimate state of being, not a passing feeling or emotion and if you have the ability to just stop loving someone then the truth is you never truly loved them in the first place, you only loved them based on conditions, you loved them because they did what you wanted them to do, you “loved” them as long as they fit in to your image of who you wanted them to be. For the truth is that we are going to have many soul connections with many people in this lifetime, I do not believe we have only one soul mate, I believe we have many and every one that comes in to your life is there as an important mirror for your growth and you should never hold yourself back from that connection that you feel with them.

So how do you have a healthy relationship based from an ultimate state of unconditional love for all that is? I have recently discovered how this all works, before I never really understood how this was truly possible as I didn’t know anything else to be real. I believe that when you are operating from a state of unconditional love, you accept everything that unfolds, you accept all lessons and people that come into your life have found there way to you for a reason and are a vessel to much more knowledge of self and gained wisdom, I believe when in a conscious relationship with someone that is invested in there own spiritual growth and self discovery that the only commitments you really make with one another is to always remain responsible for your own happiness, to always follow your own passions and dreams and to ultimately always hold space for your loved one in your life but not expecting them to always be there by your side physically, allowing and accepting that in order for your relationship to be truly healthy and thriving that freedom is the most important thing. As long as you allow each other the freedom to stand in your own truth’s accepting all that unfolds is a necessary part of yours and their growth as you have chosen to stand by each other's side energetically, you have chosen to be endlessly growing and flourishing on your own path’s whilst sharing love, knowledge and wisdom with one and another. As long as your truth’s both align you will stay continuously growing side by side as partners of life and love, but as soon as you find yourself having to compromise or change your mind or feel held back by your partners ideals or expectations, that is when I believe it is time to set each other free, whether that be temporary or for good. I believe it is important to set each other free to encourage one another to follow the path that they desire with full trust and faith that if it’s meant to be you will cross paths once again and this time you will have new gained knowledge of self and will have so many experiences and stories to exchange with one another. You will still have so much love for each other as you didn’t try to hold each other back for security reasons or selfish purposes of wanting them to be by your side at all times, you didn’t try to change one another, you allowed each other to be free to follow your hearts desires, as although you may have had to set each other free physically due to differences in life choices or decisions, you never stopped holding space for them in your hearts because you love them unconditionally you always have and you always will. No amount of time will ever destroy that eternal bond or connection as you have allowed each other the freedom to stand in your own authentic truth’s. You haven’t suffocated them or expected them to follow the dream you desire to create, you have ultimately accepted and appreciated them as their own unique and independent being, you have accepted that every person has a powerful mind of their own therefore will never have all of the same ideas or desires for life.

When you love unconditionally you accept all that is and you begin to understand that the more you try to control people and situations in your life the more pain and misery you bring to yourself and your lives, the more unhappy you continuously become as the truth is the only thing you can ever control is your own reaction to what unfolds or happens around you, as nothing is ever happening to you it is merely happening around you, unfolding around you for you to witness and gain wisdom from. When acting from a state of unconditional love nothing fazes you, if your partner chooses to leave you for a while or to move on you may experience feelings of sadness but you understand that all emotions are temporary and fleeting and once you have processed these feelings and let them go you are left with nothing but unconditional love and acceptance for all that is. You begin to accept that things always happen exactly as they should, that there are no mistakes and that no one ever really has the power to hurt or harm you unless you although them to. You understand that you are completely and utterly whole, you always have been and always will be no matter whether you have a partner or not. You begin to understand that when you let go of all expectations of how others “should” treat you or what you believe they “should” do or how they “should” behave you bring your self so much more peace and harmony because you loving accept all that is, you accept each and every person's divine unique path.

You acquire complete understanding and acceptance that you are the only person that will be with you throughout your life, we are not here to find our “other half” for we are already whole and complete beings of unconditional love, we are here to experience life, be life and to love unconditionally at all times. We are here to walk our own paths, follow our own passions and desires, we are here to be our own independent beings of light. We will meet many beautiful beings along our path that we learn from, grow with and exchange love with and then we will move on, the only thing we can control is how we choose to go in to our relations with people. Would you prefer a to be apart of a relationship based on conditional love? A fleeting love that only really results in disappointment, sadness and resentment for one another. Or would you prefer to be in a relationship based on unconditional love and acceptance for all that is, loving yourself and one another endlessly no matter what they choose to do or say, you simply love them for who they are whilst only being responsible for your own happiness, therefore forming a bond with another that is forever growing and flourishing no matter what changes life brings your way.

Ask yourself, am I capable of this? Because I know you are, I believe in the divine power you all process I believe with all of my heart and soul being that we are all ultimate beings of unconditional love, all any of us really want is to be accepted and loved for the way that we are and not have to be constantly worried or fearing that our partner or that people will lose interest or love you any less if you change your mind or decide to follow your calling that they may not see the value in, all we truly want is to be loved unconditionally always and forever. All we want is to be accepted and cherished but to also have complete and utter FREEDOM to go and be as we please. Well guess what you are FREE, you are more free than you realise and you have endless capability to achieve all that you wish for. Follow your heart, follow your passions and desires, stand strong in your truth and don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise of what you believe to be real and true to you. You are a beautiful creative being full of so much love and passion.

For you are unconditional love itself.


"I am a vessel of Endless growth and Eternal love"- Mandana


The Energy That I Feel (February 24th 2018)

I flow to and from the emotions I feel, I move in waves of energy. As I stand in the centre of the forest I feel at one with all, as I stand here surrounded by trees that engulf my every direction, I think about life outside of society, outside of what we are taught to think and believe. I think about galaxies that exist beyond the naked eyes perception, and beyond the mind's comprehension. I think about what’s lurking outside of this universe, all the magic that is lost to the sky and beyond the stars. My mind wanders to the deepest and darkest parts of life, the parts many people refuse to revisit, my mind wanders over the pain and brutal abuse that takes part as a “norm” in this universe. My mind tries to understand how and why a human being can be so cruel, evil and completely emotionless towards another being.

My heart cries when I hear about stories and tales of what has taken place under my presence and being, My heart trembles at the sight of pain, although I myself feel anger, sadness and pain, I could never imagine hurting any person. My mind just can’t comprehend ever hurting someone for the sake of causing pain, and for the sake of gaining power and status over a person. Surely it’s obvious that by inflicting pain over another, you are directly causing pain to yourself. That by manipulating someone and lying to someone, that you are truly directing this on to yourself. How does your mind somehow comprehend that by causing pain to another is ever going to affect your life in any sort of positive way? My heart grows sad, knowing that so many people don’t know how to love.

To even think about the huge amount of people that don’t know how to love; to love themselves or to love another, My heart grows confused at how we have forgotten how to love. How to love without any expectation, how to love without lies and manipulation, it beats harder when it sees the truth. When it sees how humanity has fallen down, how we have lost our spiritual beings, through the programming and disruption that’s taken place in our minds. My soul continues to tell me that everything's fine: i’m guided and protected at all times. But I still feel all that is around me, my being feels every moment, every word, every look, every action. It feels all the pain and sadness that is consuming the air, it wants to help, to heal and to love the energy that is so lost and confused. My heart says it’s possible, my mind says maybe not. My eyes grow tired from the tears that keep coming by, Things can be different for that I am sure, we all have so much power that it’s impossible to ignore.

As I stand still staring out into the sky, my eyes grow mesmerized by the glowing bright lights that echo from the thousands of stars that consume my sight. I feel lost in my imagination wandering what if? What if I could see what is out there, what if I could connect to the energy that is beyond this tiny planet. My energy flows and grows emitting positive thoughts out into the beyond, sending love to the ancestors that have come and gone. I grow happy as I think about all the good that has been done in this world, all the amazing people that have encouraged positive change to the world, I empathize with the pain that they went through to make the world a better place. I feel inspired to make that change, to help the world move on to the next, new, brighter place. My heart beats harder when I think of all the possibilities, all the hope that is still left among the earth, it pours love upon every being that is apart of this world and beyond.

My tears stop coming as I let go of the sadness that once overtook my mind, I breathe in the love and blow out the sadness and unnecessary doubt, It's time to rise and let go of the past.

Right before me I have an endless possibility of growth and of eternal love, it's time to stand up and unite with my brothers and sisters and to be that change we wish to see in the world. Start loving without expectation, Start giving without reciprocation, Start being without thought, Start smiling without force. It doesn't take alot to give love and to be love, all it takes is compassion and thought. Think before you act, empathise with your neighbours, elevate your energy by being the light you wish to see. After all you are an oracle of light and of love, so open your eyes and start giving some more. The more you give the more you receive, it's a simple rule that you will not regret to perceive. Look beyond what your eyes see, look deeper into the truths of this world, look beyond and you will see all there is and all that there will ever be. The Answer is Love can you still not see?

Love is all there is and all that there will ever be.

"Earth provides enough to satisfy every mans needs, but not every mans greed." - Gandhi



Nature VS Technology (Novemeber 10th 2017)

Technology has taken over, or some would say it is in the process of taking over. Our everyday lives are consumed by technology, we rely on it for everything, our phones provide us with “everything that we need”, our society as it is today would be lost without technology, we have become solely reliant on it for our lives to carry on. The truth is technology has been placed in the power of the wrong hands, it has been used to abuse and manipulate the environment, the animals and the people who live among this earth, it has been used in a way that is continuously harming us all, killing us all whilst slowly removing us of our strength and our power.

Instead of relying on our natural resources to provide us with everything that we need and relying on our own physical bodies and minds to create something, to build something or grow something, we have created machines, computers, mobile phones, transport and factories to do our jobs for us; while we lay back and live a life of “luxury” in a reality that isn’t real. We have chosen to populate this earth with incredible amounts of unnecessary manufactured objects. We have brushed nature aside and instead of being loyal allies and neighbours we have just abused our environment more and more, taking it for everything it has and not giving it anything back; instead of being at one with nature, we have become its greatest betrayer.

The saddest thing about it all, is that as a human race we are led to believe that we have no other choice but to follow this way of living, that life is “just the way it is”. All along so many people knowing the truth about how we affect our environment and how badly we treat it as well as the animals and one another, We all know how disconnected we have become, and how cold hearted our leaders have been along the way.The people that we have always looked up to, trusted and followed with all of our blind confidence, we have followed the churchmen, the priests, the politicians in hope that they will lead us the right way on to the right path; the path to heaven.

We have feared all along that if we do not follow the leaders and their ideas of what's right for us, that we will live a miserable life and then go on to hell when we die. We have been lied to and convinced that heaven and hell are any different, that there is a difference between good and evil when the truth is both aspects would not simply be if it wasn't for one another, and in order to live a healthy balanced life that meant us actually balancing both the good and the bad that lives within us all, and that actually it was all about finding harmony between both energies not fearing the dark, but truly embracing it. We have been programmed to think that you have to live your life doing the “right thing” when really all along we have been led to believe another lie; that right and wrong even exist. There simply is no possible way to tell another person the “right” and “wrong” ways in which to live their lives, it is simply always down to a matter of perspective. Every person has their own perspective and truth, every person has a choice and right on this earth as a born human being to explore this world alone, to find the truth through their own eyes, to discover their own “right” from “wrong”, without any external influence trying to convince them to do or be a certain way.

As a universal race we have been mislead for the whole time we have existed here on earth, although despite the majority there has been many religions, groups and communities that have stayed true to the real aspects and hidden magic that unfolds within this earth; the magic that is there waiting for you, waiting for when you're ready to see it and feel it. It’s time now to let go and detach yourself from the idea that technology and physical things will bring you true happiness, it’s time to connect back to the earth and start remembering the truths you already know deep within you.

Technology as a whole is the biggest misleading distraction from real life, it consumes you inside of  a virtual reality, a reality that doesn’t truly exist, but one placed in front of you as a distraction, to prevent you from discovering your true missions and passions. A reality that is solely based on your thoughts and feelings, a cold disconnected lonely reality, one in which you never feel ultimately happy. Don't get me wrong a lot of incredible things have been achieved through advances with technology, it isn't technology that is the problem but actually the way in which it's used, and the people who have the power to control it. It's very obvious to me that if things carry on the way that they are, and things continue to grow and advance and the people don't become aware of the negative effects it really does have on your body and your mind, that this planet will soon become one big virtual game, one that excludes real love and intimacy, one that is based on regiments plans and routines, a world filled with direction and false hope leading to an unhappy end result.

There's so much more to life than the latest gossip with a tv programme, the new advert based on the next best phone, computer, clothing item or the next best car. There's so much beyond the idea of thinking that life can be bought, or spent. A beautiful Life can simply be created through natural ways of living, reading and writing instead of watching a film or a tv series, meditating instead of worrying and overthinking, going for walks and having picnics instead of going out to the pub and getting drunk. I could list many good ways in which to spend your precious time, but only you can choose and know how you would really like to be spending your time or what you really want to discover and learn about, whether it’s; playing music, singing, drawing, playing sports or reading etc. all of these natural and healthy hobbies will massively elevate your lives and improve your health, whereas staying inside and spending all your time watching things, procrastinating or just being constantly consumed by social media, will only cause and attract a lot of negativity in your lives, it will cause you to experience anxiety and depression, it will honestly affect your emotional, physical and mental health in a truly pessimistic way.

Connect within to the natural you, the present you, the raw beautiful you now, the perfectly imperfect you, the ultimate you away from virtual ways of living, nature has all you need and all you could ever ask for, just look around you at the incredible beauty that engulfs your surroundings; every flower, every leaf, every sound every breeze, when you start to see through the eyes of love, you will begin to see a universe so vastly full of potential and opportunity that you could never ever be possibly bored or restless. Put your phones aside and start dreaming outside of what others may think or believe, connect to the universe and become a vessel of endless growth and pure love. The nature awaits for your presence, it has always been waiting for you to return. Be love and step outside of your mind, open your eyes and see what is awaiting you on the other side.

"Look deep in to nature, you will understand everything better" - Albert Einstein


Embrace Change~

"The art of life is a constant readjustment to our surroundings"~Kakuzo Okakaura


Embrace change (September 14th 2017)

Change is a very strange concept, from a very young age we are conditioned to fear change, we get comfortable and never wanna leave or adapt to new situations, new beliefs or new mind sets, we fear being judged or not being capable of overcoming new challenges, we begin to think that change is a bad thing, something to avoid and shy away from. We end up living our lives consumed by a bubble of comfort, of security and of familiarity, simply because its easier to doubt yourself, and to stay in your bubble of reality that's consumed by excuses and negativity, Forever doubting your abilities outside of comfort and far beyond into the incredible opportunities of the unknown. 

The problem is with inhabiting this negative state of mind, is that we have began to become stagnant consciously as a human race; Instead of evolving spiritually, we have shifted our focus on to evolving physically as "man" a world based on egotistical thoughts and values, investing all our time and energy in to just producing more and more "stuff" unnesscary physical objects that have no real importance; Instead of focusing our energy in to becoming and being who we really are, realising our true potential of success and happiness and channelling our true beauty in to creating what we ultimately deserve. We deserve happiness, compassion, love and abundance, we are capable of everything and all amazing things possible, and if we set down our guards and open up our hearts to the universe we can begin to embrace change and how essential the acceptance of change is to your spiritual and emotional well-being. As change is a healthy and beautiful part of life, it enables growth and new opportunites. When i evaluate and reflect on my life and all the sequences that have followed one another, i begin to see my life alot like a book or a continuous story being written over time, each period of your life is the next and new chapter to the wonderful book you are gradually writing, the life you are choosing and creating, think about what you would want to read in your book, how you would like it to be, what you would like to learn and experience in that story? Because you have the power to write that book how you wish, so why not follow your heart and your dreams because that will always take you to where you need to be, that is what will help you to form this mystical unwritten story that lays ahead of you. Start new hobbies that you've wanted to embrace for so long but have never had the courage or motivation to truely start, embrace new opportunities, jobs, friends and adventures, look for the change that resonates with you, go after what you want and desire and never doubt yourself in the process, you can have and achieve anything that you want, dont let anything hold you back, you deserve more that you know, connect within, meditate, write, excersise, go for walks in nature follow your inner calling and find your path. 

For a long time change feared me, the idea that in order to better my life that meant me actually stepping outside of my comfort zone in to the dark abyss of the unknown. The idea of letting go of my fear and the doubts of what may come, being completely open and vulnerable to change, But i knew i had to do these things to acheive the goals i truely wanted. I couldnt shake the doubt that i felt every time i considered doing something new, something i had never done before. I made my self believe that i wasnt good enough, or that others wouldnt really see me for who i am, so maybe they wouldnt like the person they percieved me to be? I spent along time to afraid to really connect with myself and what i loved, out of fear for what others would think and say, i guess i was mostly afraid of my potential of sucess, the idea that i had to step up and take the reigns, for some reason i seemed to enjoy staying in my comfort zones and just never actually taking my own advice; instead just soaking up all the pain and negativity around me and giving out all of my love and only really becoming consumed by more and more dark energy. I allowed myself to stay stagnant never changing and adapting just staying in the illusion that everyone else had the power but failing to recognise my own power and potential, when i began to live my life with more equanimity, keeping myself present and focused on a harmonious and balanced state of mind, i began to manifest and create a more harmonious and healthy lifestyle. I cant explain how incredible believing in yourself is and the positive effect on your mind and body it has, trust me iv been at the bottom of that black hole, and i never saw my self coming out. But it only gets better when you start to believe it can, when you start to love yourself enough to change for the better, to rid yourself of negative habbits, hobbies, thoughts and feelings.

When you realise that these limitating thoughts are illusionary, they mean nothing, and that they have no real power over you and your potentials unless you allow them to, you will begin to love change, you will enjoy the feeling of being in a state of constant growth and evolution. Dont fear what change could bring you or the situations that may present themselfs to you, instead invision who you want to be, what job you want to have, what goal you want to achieve, and believe you will get it, through embracing change and love in to your lives you will begin to attract new exciting things, you will begin to love the natural cycles of life, you will become the person you invision yourself to be. Change is so important to your mental and emotional development, it sparks a new desire to learn and to grow. It teaches you new lessons, it allows more wisdom and awareness to surround your minds and lives. Without change you would forever be stuck in a viscious circle, embedded with the same lessons, the same feelings and the same thoughts, you would never truely move on. 

Embrace the new and unknown, embrace the change that comes and the happiness that follows. Let go of the doubts, replace those thoughts with visions of where and who you want to be. Just believe that change can happen and that actually we all have the power to choose change and to allow new energies and opportunities in to our lives. We create and attract what we think we deserve, so aim higher and you will be utterly stunned at what you can acheive. Start now, focus on what you want and take new steps and challenges, conquer your fears. I believe in you, so believe in yourselves. 

Sending love and happiness your way, i feel its the time to unite. We can do this, we will evolve spiritually, and we will all live the lives that we want. We can change the current course of the human race and its consciousness, we will create change. 💙

 



My Transformation: Where it all started - Part One (August 2017)

I felt a sudden burst of ideas come to my mind, I felt compelled to share some things with you all, I was sat thinking about the last few months of my life, reminiscing about the amazing changes and challenges that have taken part in the course of my life. It’s truly incredible to be able to sit where I am now and feel proud of myself for getting to this level of happiness that i I now feel within myself, to feel the ultimate higher state I have worked so hard to live among, this being part of the reason why I felt the need to express my experiences with you all, plus the fact I love you all and we are all one so really I am you and you are me and we are mirrors for one another.

 

I guess I start at the beginning, the start of the huge shift that occurred in my life as well as in my mind, the shift that changed the course of my whole life. It all started with an incredibly amazing trip planned to spain with my closest friends, our first big holiday together to a crazy festival in the spanish “mountains”, never did I imagine or realise how much my life was about to change, how much I was about to change. Before I left for spain, I had spent months in and out of a depressive state, I was a lost cause struggling to see in front of me, struggling to move forwards, I was stuck at a stagnant stage I thought would never end, all along the only thing keeping me going was this planned holiday, the excitement of new experiences, plus the fact I felt something powerful was pulling me there as if that future holiday was going to change my life..but never did I know to what extent it would change it. I spent my days dwelling about my life, blinded by my negative thoughts, worries and fears, constantly obsessing about how much I needed a purpose but not having any luck finding one, and trust me I tried everything, making jewelry, reading, writing, doing yoga etc, but due to the depressive state my mind was in nothing was doing anything to change it, I was stuck in a vicious circle never really getting anywhere, only falling further and further down.

 

The plan was we would all go to the festival all 8 of us, spend the week there all together, then the following week me my best friend and our boyfriends planned to have a relaxing couples week exploring and having adventures. To my surprise things didn't turn out that way, before going we found out my partner wouldn't be able to join us for the festival, but would come out to meet me for the week after. As sad as this made me at the time all I cared about was the fact he was still coming afterwards, plus I was with all my best friends anyway so for me I was happy to be escaping my current reality that I would take the best that I could get. The “festival” was a lot of fun, we all successfully survived in the spanish mountains, outside of civilization, even if that meant that on some of the days we had to walk 7 miles in the boiling sun to even get food or water.. Despite that we indulged in the beautiful hot springs and the very intense music.. It was a truly breathtaking place, it felt amazing to be so be surrounded by nothing but land, fields, trees and mountains, on one of the days I took the chance to have a walk to write and clear my head, this following passage is the very start to the breakdown that took part in my mind, the destructively magical blessing in disguise that helped me find the key. These are the passages from my diary throughout my trip and when I got back and until this present moment:



Day 5- SPAIN March 23rd 2017

 “I have no idea what time it is, or where excatly I am, but what I do know is that i'm sat on the top of a mountain right now trying to centre myself, trying to release all the bad and anxious energy that I have in me, so anxious at the anticipation of receiving a phone call from my boyfriend, i'm anxious waiting to find out if his papers will come in time for him to get the plane.. What if they don't? This whole trip was a chance for us to make our relationship thrive..this was our chance to experience real life together.. If he doesn't come the “couple's week” will quickly turn into the biggest “third wheel week” known to man.

I could stay here forever, right here on the mountain everything is peaceful and calm, everything feels still. All the sounds of the birds are surrounding me, the sun is shining on my face and the wind is gently blowing my hair. I feel very still, consumed by my surroundings, I just wish I could fly, to just be a bird for a single moment, to be free from the ground, to be free from expectations that consume society. Freedom is calling to me, but I feel stuck in my mind, I don't know quite yet how to relieve myself of my depressive thoughts, anxiety and fear; it’s embedded in me, all I want is to be free from it all. I feel so close but also so far, I just know i'm searching for something that is deep within me, but I just can’t seem to break through to it. I feel like i’m trying to support everyone around me but it’s proving impossible to do so as I don’t even feel happy myself. I mean what do I really have to offer anyone if my mind is in this state? I’ve been in mourning and depression for so long now, since nathan passed away in august, I have been struggling to even find the light, let alone imagine living a life of happiness, i’m utterly stuck in a black hole in my mind.

I need to pierce the bubble but i'm utterly stuck inside it, I really don’t know how I have so much freedom and time and even still I just can't seem to take it, stay in my bubble of reality that i've created for my own sanity and i've managed to get very lost and consumed by my thoughts, me and my ego have merged into two conflicting personalities, both being as stubborn, certain and doubtful as on another. I’m consumed by two minds and I just can’t break free it’s so hard to make choices and decisions when i’m never certain or sure about anything, if anything I agree and disagree with all of my contradicting thoughts all at the same time. I feel everything and nothing all at once, I feel pain, anger, sadness and uncertainty of what's coming next, I want to let go but both parts of me have such a tight grip on me that I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, I feel trapped in my head and unable to release myself. I need healing, but I just don't know how or where to start when I feel so awful about myself, I don't even know who I am anymore? There's so many aspects of myself that are in pain and that are hurting, and they all interlock so it's hard to even begin to pick it apart, to find the starting point. I need my angels with me right now, I really hope they're sending me a load of love and compassion, because i'm really in need of it. I am trying so hard to find the key to the lock, but I just haven't fully found it yet, but don't get me wrong it's all I want and desire: happiness and freedom is all I want and could ever dream of achieving.”



Thursday 28th march 2017

 “I’ve fully fallen down, i'm broken in every sense possible. I've never felt this lost before. So much has happened in the last few days. I’ll try and get my thoughts together and start from the beginning, on the day we were leaving dragon fest, to start with the stress of someone losing their passport and being completely unable to find it, we all then trekked it to the closest town, got three buses to get to granada bus station to wait for my boyfriend to arrive, we waited at a cafe directly opposite the bus station for 12 hours with all of our bags and tents and camping stuff. To only find that security wouldn't let him through to the flight because his papers did not arrive in time so therefore wouldn't accept his alternative prescription papers for his medication, he tried three times with three different security guards to somehow get through to the flight in time, not only did he then get his wallet stolen missed his flight but then had to spend the night in the airport looking for his wallet that had his newly booked ticket for his second arranged and paid for flight the next morning in hope of somehow convincing someone to allow his proof, without his wallet he had no boarding pass or any of his recently exchanged money. The whole time communication between us was really poor as his phone died and I couldn't receive service, so whilst all these events were happening to him in the airport we were all left uncertain of whether or not he was going to turn up in spain at any moment or whether he was still at the airport in bristol, or if he was in spain on his way to granada bus station, after receiving the news he missed the first flight after waiting for 12 hours, we decided to stay at a friends house a couple towns away, and we were due to then go back to the bus station in the morning to wait again for his arrival of his new flight that he swore he would be on. When we got to the bus station the next day, we decided to wait inside the bus station this time, we waited for a total of 8 hours checking every bus to see if he was on there, but he just never showed up, we all were so anxious riddled with anticipation, stress, confusion and uncertainty, i’ve never felt that let down and alone ever in my life. After everything we still never got to have this experience together, after all of the bumps, challenges and pain that have followed this past year, the universe still wasn’t ready to stop testing me, this is the biggest test i’ve ever been presented with in my life, and i’m struggling to deal with it in any way, one minute i’m hysterically crying the next minute i’m in fits of laughter..I feel like i’m genuinely losing all sense of “right” from “wrong” my morals have gone down the toilet in the space of a few days, i’ve finally fallen, fallen to the deepest darkest lowest part of myself.

As my partner never arrived, and my friends partner lost his passport, it ended up me, Savannah, her partner and my other friends partner whom ended up unable to go back to england with the rest of them. So it ended up us four going to stay at a beautiful little community in the south of spain, somehow all of the events have led to this point, the universe for some reason wanted this situation to occur, it’s presented me with this messed up situation to fully test my morals and my loyalty. It’s just all so wrong, as soon as we arrived at the land we were due to stay on for a week, my best friend suddenly fell really ill, due to all of the intense emotions and anxiety that had been flying around for the past few days it just took complete toll on her health, leaving her emotionally and physically drained, leaving her in need to be in bed all day every day recovering and finding strength. Let’s just say I ended up cheating on my partner, it got to the point I was so broken inside that I didn't know my left from my right, I was drowning my sorrows with more and more alcohol and losing myself more and more in the process. I don’t know how or why this has happened, I can’t see the bigger picture , I can’t make sense of any the events that have taken place, I don’t even know who I am anymore, all I know is i’m experiencing huge amounts of pain, I have never hurt anyone like this ever in my life before, I find this all so hard to accept, to accept that I have inflicted this pain on to the people I truly love. I’ve never betrayed anyone like this, I never thought I was capable of such things. I don’t know what to do with myself or even what to say, i’m blank and my heart feels black and broken. There’s nothing I can do to make up for these mistakes, there’s nothing I can do to take the pain away that i’ve caused to one of my closest friends and my beautiful partner. I’ve lost all my power, all my hope and my vision, what does this all mean?

 

Universe please show me the bigger picture, I need to understand why i’ve made this choice, I just wish it all made sense, because i’m struggling so much to make sense of it all. Where do I go from here.. I’ve lost myself, my best friends and my boyfriend.. I can’t deal with all of this pain i’ve inflicted on everyone around me, i’ve finally fucking fallen and i’ve managed to somehow pull everyone down with me.”

 

Thursday 6th April 2017

 “A huge shift is happening in the Universe and also within me. So much has happened within the space of two and a half weeks, my whole world came crashing down, I lost all sense of who I was. Everything felt hopeless and broken, my heart turned black and my emotions became crushed. I have had millions of thoughts and questions rushing through my mind. What does this all mean? I feel like Everything that has happened was a massive test on my strength and my perseverance, I feel like the universe just kept throwing more and more tests my way at every corner I crossed. No matter what I did or said the Universe was pulling me in closer and closer, directing me astray from what I thought I knew and felt. I’ve realised so much about myself, for one i’ve realised how toxic I am to everyone around me when i’m depressed, when i’m sad and lost I have the power to affect my loved ones in the most destructive way, i’ve realised the true wrath of my power, although everything came crashing down at once, I felt myself get set free, for the first time in my life I felt and feel free. As my choices shocked and confused all of my closest friends, they all began to question who I had always presented myself to be; a solely loyal and honest person a person that would rather hurt themself than betray someone they loved. So for the first time in my life, I felt free from expectation, free to decide who I wanted and want to be, free to choose how to deal with the events that have played out, free to choose how I learn and move on from it. I want to thank the universe for the lessons.. They have truly taught me alot. Despite this i’m now left with the ultimate choice, the biggest and hardest decisions I have ever had to face.. How do I now move on from this? Who am I going to choose to be? And where on earth do I start?

 

A strong part of me knows I need to be alone, I need to distance myself from everyone around me, I need to let go and heal. I need to learn to love myself again, to forgive myself and to grow and blossom into the person I know I can be. I need to start living my life exactly how I have always wanted to, I will grow from this, I will be a better person for this, and I promise I will never hurt any living being ever in my life again. This is the start to a truly beautiful path and I will succeed, I will connect and be the ultimate version of myself, I will be Love. Never am I ever going to allow myself to slip into the illusion of negative thinking, never ever am I going to look back, after all the best kind of apology is changed behaviour, so from now on I will make up for my mistakes, I will own up to the choices I have made, I will forgive myself and only ever strive to be the best version of myself that I can be”

 

 



My Week of Isolation-Part Two

Sunday 9th April 2017

“So i’ve decided to have a week of isolation, i’ve decided to have no contact with another person whether that being physically or through texting or social media, i’ve decided I need to retract back into myself and to have some peace and silence. Every day starting from tomorrow morning, I am going to get up make breakfast, do yoga, go to my magical field to meditate, read, write and to start healing from within, away from any external distractions, I am determined to get happy again, i’m determined to let go of all of this fear, pain,anxiety and depression, and I will never allow for my healing process to affect anyone else around me in a negative way. I’ve spent my life so far caring for, helping and guiding everyone else to loving themselves, i’ve invested all of my time, love energy and patience into everyone else, without realising that all along i’ve been excluding myself, now is the time, the time to heal myself, to love myself and to start living my life for myself and not trying to live for the sake of everyone else's happiness, because that’s what resulted in me actually hurting everyone around me. I’m sick and tired of waiting, for relying and hoping for people around me to love me and to make me happy, it never truly works, I need love and the only person I can seek that from is myself. I’m ready to start my journey, I’m ready to start alone.”

 

Monday 10th April 2017

“Day one of my week to myself, tuning into who I really am, re-creating the best version of myself.

Plan for the day:

> Wake up at 9

>Make breakfast

>Do yoga

>Go for a walk

>Meditate for an hour

>Read self-love book

>Study my astrology

>Tidy my room- make it a sanctuary >Write Cv- print it off (start looking for jobs)

>Do some writing

>DO NOT USE SOCIAL MEDIA WEBSITES!

How do I feel today?

Today I feel hopeful, I feel new energy entering my life, I feel love all around me and new beginnings on the horizon, i’m just so eager to be on this positive path. I want to thank myself and to also massively thank the universe for this incredible change that’s coming my way.”

Tuesday 11th April 2017

*Got myself a job interview on thursday at 1:30pm in torquay* “Woke up today feeling sad and emotional, I guess this is part of letting go and moving on. Don’t get me wrong i’m more than thankful to the universe for bringing new challenges and changes to my life, but it’s such a painful experience having to let go of a partner that I love and care for so much, but I know that I have to continue this path alone in order to fully heal and to grow from my “mistakes”, I cannot afford to ever drag him or anyone else in with the pain I am healing from. I haven’t been single or solely reliant on myself for nearly four years, teaching yourself to be alone again isn’t easy, and it sure feels like i’m starting at the very beginning all over again. I need to stay away from temptations and distractions, Looking back at all my relationships now, I realise how unhealthy they were, how the love wasn’t really love but actually just attachment and emotional obsession, the whole time I was living in a fantasy world, believing that in order to be happy that meant being with the perfect person, or having the perfect relationship. All along I believed I needed to be loved by someone else, when really all I needed was to love myself. I need to now take every opportunity that comes my way (job wise) I need to focus and earn a fuck ton of money, so that I can travel and go on my soul journey. I’m on a mission so let’s begin:

Step one:

> Get a job, don’t be picky, any work and money coming in is better than no income at all, it’s time to work my way up the ladder..

Step two:

>Work and focus, save money, No excessive spending. You can do this merrie, you can create the future you desire. Go for it and don’t ever look back. START LOOKING FORWARDS. Step three:

> When you have money start planning your travels, start finding places you want to visit, then book a one way flight. Added Steps:

>Throughout these steps, do yoga at least once a day, Have a long walk at least once a week.

>Read books instead of watching endless tv series, Also start completing half read books.

>Write everyday, document how you feel and what you’re learning.

> Study astrology, numerology, Tarot cards and readings, write and recite positive affirmations.

>Go out very occasionally, stay focused on your ultimate goal, do not lead astray from your heart’s truth’s.

Thursday 13th April 2017

MY BIG AUSTRALIA PLAN!

“So i’ve decided I want to travel to and around australia this september, I signed up to an work and travel agency and plan to go over for a year to travel and work on my own. Now that I know this is what I want to do, I need to find a job and commit to working hard and saving all the money iI need to make it happen. Now that I have a goal, I need to take small steps to achieving it. So the deposit is paid for! Australia here I come, September take off!!

Next steps:

>Work hard to earn money

>Book flights and apply for working visa >Save loads of spending money.”

Friday 14th April 2017

Bucket List for my Life;

.Travel and work in australia

.Conquer my fears and anxiety

.Conquer my fear of open water

.Learn how to surf, ski and snowboard .Learn how to Build wooden structures .Build my own house

.Find perfect forest to build my home .Buy a van and travel the world: All of europe, Thailand, Newzealand, Australia, Peru, Africa and Morocco.

.Find my passion Create, build and run ego village, spiritual teachings and natural way of life

.Write a book/ Books

.Learn how to make clothes

.Learn how to drive

.Work in animal sanctuaries all around the world Drive a boat

.Learn how to grow plants

.Do my english TEFL course

.Do 1 month yoga teaching course

.Get REIKI masters

.Meet my spirit animal

.Study the stars

.Raise a tiger cub

.Create beautiful fairy forest Make lots of money

.Do 1 year monk training in china

.Learn different martial arts and self defense techniques Skydive, Paraglide

.Learn guitar and didgeridoo

.Conquer fear of public singing

.Grow own plants and food-

.live self-sufficiently on own land

.Teach English all around the world .ENL



The Work Begins- Part Three

Tuesday 18th April 2017

“ I’ve applied for a job at the church house inn, a waitressing job that is literally walking distance from my house, I really hope I get the job, please universe bring me this job opportunity, I really need  a full-time work asap in order for me to begin to save for my travels to Australia. Fingers crossed - Interview for Church house inn- Thursday 20th at 2:30pm”

 

Thursday 20th April 2017

“ I have my job interview today and i’m really hoping that i get the job, i’m feeling really anxious today, i’m having really bad withdrawal symptoms from not having tobacco for over 4 days.. I have no money and having to try and stay centered is hard when my body is so reliant on nicotine, it’s a habit that I hate so much, I hate the power that I allow it to have over me. I just need a purpose, I need full-time work to focus my time and energy into working hard and earning money, I need a commitment to keep me moving. I pray to the universe and trust that I will be brought all the things that I truly need..”

“I just had my interview, i’ve never had someone doubt my capability that much, he pretty much looked straight at me and said that he didn't believe I was strong enough, quick enough or what he was really looking for, he didn't see me being successful at the job as he believed I was too young and just not capable of being a responsible and hard-working member of the team, i’ve never been broken down by an employer that much in my life, but I sat there and convinced him that I was more than capable, and that he would never regret giving me this opportunity, he then heard what I was saying and decided to give me a trial shift for tonight.. His doubts of me only make me want to prove him completely and utterly wrong, it only makes me want to work harder and be the best bloody waitress I can be, i’m sick and tired of being doubted by people, i’m strong, i’m fast, i’m adaptable, and god damn I work so hard either he will see that tonight, or he won’t. Either way I know my strengths and I will not allow for anyone to make me question that. Bring it on!”

 

Sunday 23rd April 2017

“So here I am, i’m back, with more news to share, I have so much on my mind, I have thoughts fighting one another constantly, and I have no one I can fully talk to and be completely honest with, I guess I got exactly what I wanted, i’m now solely reliant and dependent on myself.. I am now alone. I went in thursday to the church house for my trial shift, it went really well it’s safe to say my boss Julian was pleasantly surprised by my abilities, therefore told me to come in work on the friday night also and to then discuss pay. When I turned up the first thing he said to me was “How much did you get payed at the Grand hotel?” Obviously in that moment I was put on the spot, part of me not wanting to be honest because I only got payed £5.50 when I worked there.. So without even thinking £6 came out of my mouth, I didn’t want to be too cheeky, so I thought a white lie wouldn’t be an issue. He just followed with “Well that’s what i’m going to pay you here” then told me my shifts for the following week.. Only 14 and a half hours.. Despite being promised full-time work at the end of the interview, I understand and accept that even at the beginning he was honest about the fact that he wanted someone with a years experience, therefore clearly being nice he gave me a chance to prove myself, it doesn’t help my anxiety though knowing that i’m on probation till further notice.. Knowing that my every move and action is being watched and judged, this is going to be the next big lesson in my life, proving my anxiety wrong, proving to myself that I can be anyone I choose to be and not allowing fear of the unknown to block me from achieving success. I’m tired of being anxious, i’m tired of not achieving what i want in my life, so it's time to say goodbye to any limiting thoughts I have in my mind, I will be confident I will make my dreams come true. Everyone that works at the church house is so much older than me and are all such a close knit group who have worked together for over 20 years, it’ hard to fully know where I stand with them or how to fully act and communicate with them as it’s obvious I am from a completely different walk of life to them all. This job fully takes me out of my comfort zone, i’ve always felt uncomfortable in a pub environment, something about them makes me on edge, therefore having to work in one with all of the people I don’t feel comfortable around, fully tests me to my whole ability. It’s hard and testing but completely has to be a good thing, it’s something I have to overcome, so I just have to throw myself in, adapt and just learn and grow. Stop being so stubborn merrie, let go of fear and and worries.. Trust the universe has put you here doing what you're doing now for a higher reason, you have been led here to learn some lessons. It’s a lot of experience that you're going to gain working there.

P.s. Thankyou universe for bringing me this opportunity and would like to ask something of you, I would like to ask if it’s possible to bring me some work in the summer back with Bloom Boutique making jewelry, I loved working there and fully miss it!”

 

Friday 28th April 2017

“People are blinded by the illusion of reality, reality is what we make it. It is what we allow ourselves to believe and think. We have ALL the power to create a harmonious and beautiful community between us all. There is no separation, not really, we are all interconnected, we are all one. It is time for us to stand, to unite, to conquer all negativity and fear. It’ time to let go, to love and too see. Open your eyes it’s time to realise that it’s all of our jobs to make this planet a happier, healthier and more beautiful place to be. Take a deep breathe, and then release. That pain that you feel is love; misunderstood. Love is all that there is, it is an an endless wave of creation, a free-flowing existence of our true ultimate beings. True love is an unconditional everlasting bond that cannot be destroyed, it only transitions from one form to another. Love yourself, You’re beautiful, You’re perfectly imperfect, You’re capable of incredible things, You’re fueled with an endless capacity to love and be loved. You are Eternal light itself. You deserve freedom, you are the definition of true beauty. Just start, no matter where you are, what you’ve been through, start exactly where you are. Stand alone, be proud, be strong, be happy and god damn it love who you came here to be. Shine that light.”

 

Sunday 7th May 2017

“I feel good today my energy has been lifted since i started working, I fully love my job, all the people are so lovely and have made me feel really welcome. I really appreciate all the training and guidance they have been providing me with, its genuinely helped me so much to start gaining more experience and has also helped me further my awareness. I am grateful to My boss for giving me this opportunity, and I thank myself and the universe for the positive free flowing energy that has been guiding me through the work. I’m determined to learn, grow and succeed at my workplace and job role, i’m going to be the best damn waitress there is. Feeling motivated, feeling happy and just so excited to learn more and more. My love goes out to the universe. I’m feeling fully connected!”

 

Wednesday 17th may 2017

“Alot has been going on in the world of merrie, a lot has been changing. How do i feel? That is a great place to start, I feel happy, happy that i’m working hard at a great place with lovely people, happy that i’m making money, happy that i’m making steps closer to manifesting my dreams. I am also so proud of myself for overcoming my anxiety. I feel like i’m growing as a person, I no longer feel stagnant like a lost cause, I feel like a flower finally opening up and beginning to blossom into a beautiful butterfly. I can now confidently speak to customers, serve customers and take orders, I am beginning to feel so much more confident in myself as a person, more proud and assertive, less shy and nervous. The nervous energy is finally starting to fade. I feel happy like i have found my feet again, which i’m so thankful for and grateful to the people around me that have been encouraging my growth as a person and within my job role. I am grateful to the universe for guiding me in the right direction, my gratitude is so large, my love is so widely spread, i feel inspired to share my love and lessons. Although being single and alone is hard sometimes, lonely sometimes, not having care and affection from a partner, but i’m learning to be reliant on myself only, but am also more open to guidance and help from people around me, more so than i have ever been in my life, i’ve put my ego aside and allowed myself to learn and to not be stubborn thinking that i’m always right or that i know everything there is to know, because that’s just far from reality, life is consumed by endless lessons and i wish only to exceed all tests and lessons brought my way. I truly believe in myself, and am becoming more aware of the vast amount of things i am ultimately capable of. I feel free to be me, free to wander where i please. I am so over the idea that you need a partner to make you happy, that belief is far gone from my mind and soul forever. I refuse to learn the same lessons more than once. I don’t need to have that ignorance embedded on my heart and soul. I’m on the right track and am ready to receive the love and abundance that the universe has to offer me.”



Tuesday 23rd May 2017

“So it’s my 18th Birthday tomorrow, a time that’s going to bring all kinds of new change and lessons. A time for healing and for growth, a time to let go of all self-doubts, all insecurities about my age and physical appearance, but i will soon be considered a “legal” adult! A person of reliability, consistency and awareness, bring it on, my souls been yearning for acceptance of my true being, and now i have nothing to hide,  no limitations, no rules restricting me, i am whoever and whatever i choose to be. It’s time to stand up and face the music, i’m an adult now, and my life is fully 100% in my hands, waiting for my assertion and creativity. I have all the power and i’m going to create the most beautiful, happy and loving reality and life for myself, it’s time to let go of any excuse i’ve previously used in the past and the worries of what could go wrong, this is where adult life truly begins..Thankyou universe for all of the great lessons you have brought me this year so far, i really feel myself growing and becoming the ultimate me. I’m feeling whole, and recharged, happy to carry on with my mission to manifest an income to fund my travels. Things are looking up, i just need to stay close to my truth and not forget the ultimate universal love i have all around me. Sending my love to the universe and all of the beautiful souls working hard to create a beautiful reality for themselves and loved ones”

 

Sunday 11th June 2017

“WOW! My life is all happening, everythings finally in motion and so much is constantly changing. I’ve been working so much and been growing so much spiritually as well as my overall awareness within society and the working world. I’ve been pushing myself each and every day to persist on preserving forwards, and allowing myself to try over and over until i get better and better, allowing myself to make mistakes on the way in order to grow a deeper understanding and awareness around all types of people. I’m feeling happy overall, i have been spending my time off work reading, writing a blog, doing my numerology readings, doing yoga, and of course planning my australia trip and adventure. I’ve decided not to go there through the agency, a part of me just doesn’t trust them, and then when i received my paycheck, the number i was waiting on to fund the next step of the company's service, i took a look at the paycheck to find i was only £45 short. At this point i had so much run through my head, i knew it was a sign from the universe, a sign sent to show me i needed to go at it alone, that i was capable and ready to be relying on myself and own resources to make it happen. I also miraculously got a call from bloom boutique last week when i was in the middle of a yoga session, i almost didn’t pick up but then i saw the name and had to, they have asked me to come back and work for the summer season part time on top of working at the church house. I start there on the 19th! I’m so happy to get this job back, that i get back the job i loved so much. Everything i could ever wish for is happening before my eyes,but god damn it i still have to work for it, work= manifesting money which = opportunities. I’ve payed and sent off my application for my australian working visa, so am now looking to work this next month to earn the money to book my one way flight. I’m working on myself and my life to manifest my dreams, i have no expectations of when i will be going away or the time leading up to it, i’m just accepting and taking everything good that comes my way. I’m excited about life and am persevering to be the best version of myself possible; my higher self. I’m striving every day for the greater good and only wish to spread my love and awareness among every place i ever visit and every person i ever meet. I’ve got this! Watch this space as i create ultimate beauty.”

 

Thursday 15th of june 2017

“I’m persevering, i really am. I’m taking each day as it comes and really am doing my best to not let others emotions and opinions of me get to me. It’s so hard when you're an empath to be around people and not take on their energy. It just emerges itself into my aura tainting my state of contentment and happiness, don’t get me wrong i have a positive force field of energy surrounding me in order to protect myself and my state of mind. But it’s so hard not to take people's digs and words to heart when their so directed at me in a negative way. I find myself constantly dodging the negativity but then it just hurts my soul that even though i’m loving and caring towards everyone else and try with all my energy to be as helpful at work as possible, that i still get talked to and treated like less than everyone else, simply because i’m small and young, simply because it’s hard for elder people to believe that i know what i’m talking about and actually have my own opinions and belief sets. Some days i really enjoy working at the church house, i enjoy it and have some good laughs and chats with whoever i’m working with, as well as with guests and customers. But other days i feel like i’m just going to break down, depending on who i’m working with, as sometime all i continuously receive is negative remarks and patronizing comments. I’m trying so hard to keep moving forwards through it day by day, allowing myself to forgive and let go, but sometimes i just can’t help let it get to me, especially when i know i deserve to be treated better by some of the people there. It’s frustrating to have to accept receiving less than i deserve, especially when i’m dedicating so much of my time and energy into being the best version of myself when i’m there, and outside of work to. It’s annoying because i actually need this job right now, without it i won't be able to go to australia at the end of this year. Universe please help me out, sends me some signs, i need to know how to deal with all of this and which steps i need to take.”

 

Saturday 17th June 2017

“Okay here goes, something snapped in me at work last night. I’ve been getting treated unfairly and uncompassionately since the first few weeks of working there, I’ve dedicated all of my time and energy into working their full-time; mornings, afternoons and evenings, I’ve done my best to be a hardworking and loyal member of the team and have only been spoken to in a patronizing and rude manner over and over, i’ve been sucking it up, feeling it and then letting it go, doing everything to not take any of it personally, as it was clearly their own problems and issues resulting in the way they were treating me and each other. But last night it got to the point that i just couldnt take it anymore, I was running around working so hard, it was packed from every inch of the place with people drinking and big parties of people having meals, everyone kept throwing a million and one things demands on me as well as me already running around doing everything i saw needed to be done, i just kept getting digs and nasty comments thrown my way, i got so stressed and riled up that i had began to get to breaking point, I turned to silent mode, if anyone were to say anything to me further i would just break down in tears. I walked into the kitchen and began to prepare some dessert orders i had just taken, we had new desserts on the menu so due to the erratic busy environment there hadn’t been time to show us how to prepare them, so me being me took my own initiative just started putting the desserts together in a way i thought would be presentable and acceptable to serve, i was trying to hard to stay positive and just focus on my work, focus on getting the orders out to people, Then out of nowhere one of the chefs came over to me shouting and swearing at me for doing it wrong, I just broke down chucked the plate and told her to do it herself, I started crying, grabbed my coat, told them all to fuck themselves and walked out slamming the door so loud that the whole beer garden had their eyes fixated on me. So that’s that job down the drain, i haven’t even received a phone call from my boss, I refused to stay working somewhere where it’s seen as acceptable to be treated that way, and to be among a boss that has no compassionate bone in his body. Never am i going to allow for myself to be disrespected over and over again. In a more positive light, I start back at Bloom Boutique on monday and they have said that i can work their full-time until the end of august, so i’m happy to be moving on from the church house, moving on into a better and happier position.”

 

Thursday 22nd June 2017- The wheels are rolling once again.

“ I feel more than happy, everything's going so well i’m really enjoying my everyday life, i love my job, i even look forwards to going in and getting payed to do what i love, whilst being surrounded by such a beautiful and friendly group of people. The vibe there is so relaxed, despite this everyone continues to work hard but being able to be themselves and enjoy their work at the same time. I couldn't actually think of a better place to work, even though it can be slow some days and slightly repetitive making and assembling jewelry for 7 and a half hours a day, but as it comes so naturally to me and i’ve always felt passionate about making jewelry, so i couldn't wish to work doing anyone else. I also feel accomplishment in myself when i’m there, so see how far i have come in my self since the beginning of this year and since and got back from spain. I’m so much more comfortable with who i am and how much i’ve changed myself for the better. I’m proud of myself and am only going to continue to manifest my dreams. No matter what happens in these next few months leading to travelling with my beautiful best friend, i will love and appreciate any situation that the universe brings my way, i am ready to open up to the incredible abundance that the universe has to offer me. I will continue to take each day as it comes and do my best to keep moving forwards. I’m here and i’m ready to receive all the lessons that are awaiting me, I’m continue to continue working on my inner self and my outer existence also, allowing myself to maintain a balanced life, a life of peace, love and acceptance of the fact that reality is constantly changing, and you can make it exactly how you wish. Sending gratitude and love to the universe.”

 

Monday 26th June 2017

“Time just keeps on ticking, so much in my life keeps on changing so quickly, i find myself constantly adapting to the new events that come my way. Alots changed in the past week, i have a completely new job, a completely new daily and weekly routine, it’s sometimes hard for me to feel stable and secure when i literally have no idea what’s coming next, especially since i only just got into a positive routine working at the church house, coming home during my hours off until my next shift in the evening, doing yoga, re-centering myself meditating, making dinner then going back to work and coming home late reading a book and then falling asleep. Now i wake up at 6:30am instead of 10am, and then get two buses to work to get in for 9:30am, then work all day until 5:30pm then getting a bus to paignton, getting picked up by mum, getting home by about 6:45 having dinner and a shower taking me to about 8:30pm, then being utterly exhausted wanting to do nothing but relax. I need to make sure i come home and still do all the things that are important to me and my health, like reading, writing, yoga, my card readings and affirmations, i just need to get used to my new routine whilst fitting in my hobbies side by side. Plus when i was working at the church house i would always work weekends therefore making it easier to save money,now that i have weekends off i have been so far tending to go out and get really drunk and resulting in me spending loads of money, which is the opposite of i need to be doing at this point, every time i drink it just makes me feel depressed like i devolve each time, i really can’t afford to be wasting my time destroying my energy and positive mind space, at this point i need to be relaxing and maintaining the positive state of mind i have worked so hard to achieve, It’s just so tempting to go out when i know i have no work commitments on the weekend, but it’s so important that i remember that i have commitments to myself, so i need to ensure i spend at least one night on the weekend to myself, and then the other night spending quality time with one of the few people that mean everything to me. I cannot and will not allow myself to fall into the same old trap of going out all the time and doing things that don’t make me happy just because my ego likes the idea of it, just because the truth is i never really enjoy myself, i just get completely smashed and don’t treat myself or other with care, instead i turn into an angry defensive version of myself. My next mission: Cut down on drinking.”



A New Level Of Awareness- Part Four

Wednesday 28th June

Life is constantly changing, one minute i’m needed in one place the next it’s my time to move on, frequent change has been hard for me to adapt to, but also beneficial as it’s enabled further self-growth and confidence. Wander what’s in store for me next...

In the past two months i’ve come out of a very close relationship, i’ve moved on and worked front of house conquered my fears, my anxiety and my self doubt. I then stood my ground and left a job that wasn’t serving me any good, i then went on to working full-time making jewelry, my ideal perfect job and situation, a chance to do what i love and earn money at the same time, but yesterday something changed that, the universe some how decided it was too easy for me to work full time making jewelry and that actually i needed to be learning some new lessons and that actually i’m needed else where, i’m at a period of my life where i need to be tested. So my hours dropped from 5 days a week at Bloom, to just monday and tuesday, due to the sales not picking up they don’t need any extra staff, at first i felt completely disheartened by this, as i now have to find another part-time job or a completely new full-time job. But it’s just life, i’m trying to let go and just open myself up to the new opportunities that come my way.. wander where i will be guided to next..”

 

Friday 7th July 2017

“I had an utterly perfect day and night yesterday, i’m feeling genuinely really positive and motivated to take every good opportunity that presents itself to me. My eyes are wide open my heart is open to the universe, i’m so ready to completely take the reigns of my life. I’m feeling proud of myself, for where i am today, for all that i have fought for and against to produce a life and mind of complete equanimity. Everything in my life feels balanced and harmonious, i’m feeling more ready than ever to go within and connect to my true state of peace and eternal love. For this next month i am going to put all my time and energy into being my ultimate higher self, i will harness all of my energy and live a life with pure focus on my goal: Enlightenment. I am going to work at bloom monday and tuesday and then spend the rest of my week meditating, doing yoga and writing each and every day, producing and living through my passions. On the first of July i decided to give up drinking, to give myself a month's break that will hopefully result in a huge part of me letting go of the idea that alcohol brings happiness and fun. This for shows my dedication and passion to my spiritual evolution, i’m ready to let go of my alter ego that shows up every time i’m drunk, i’m ready to let go of the illusion, to blow it all away and never let it be a part of me ever in my life again. I believe in the divine source of all things,we are all connected, we are all one, I’m doing this for myself but ultimately i am doing this for the universe and for Love. Thankyou universe for showing me me shadows, thankyou for all of the guidance and lessons, i love you all with my whole soul being, I am here to spread my love and my positive attitudes to life with everyone, i am here to help humanity rise up. Right now it feels like everything in my life has finally connected, i’m on the right path without any doubts and nothing is going to tempt me or guide me away from achieving my goals and dreams. I have all the power to manifest the life i desire, i say no more to the negative illusions that try to block me from the finite truths of this world, this reality. I will become and am becoming the best version of myself each and every day, i’m determined and my heart, mind and soul have all united as one. I am at one with all things, being and nature, i feel the connected consciousness that we all share, and i know for a fact nothing is ever going to hold me back, I am awake, and all of my senses are heightened and i couldn't be more excited about life and it’s hidden mysteries, that are waiting for me to discover. This is the start to something truly incredible, a whole new level of consciousness and awareness.”

 

Sunday 9th July 2017

“ I’m feeling ultimately inspired, so ready to embrace every moment of every day as it comes. I have 6 months left here in England before i leave for my adventures to australia, me and maozya have booked our one way tickets for the 14th of January. I’m going to really enjoy the journey that comes to guide me on my way, a journey that will bring me and teach me all that i need to know before leaving for my travels. I trust that whatever finds its way to me is exactly what i need to be experiencing and learning about. I plan to take every good job opportunity that comes my way, whilst connecting within and always following my intuition and my heart. I truly believe that i will create and manifest all that i wish for, i have no idea how this next stage of my life is going to be or what will begin to unfold, all i know is it’s going to be truly beautiful. I’m ready to write my story and to paint my reality. I’m so excited to travel with maozya, i can see a lot of incredible things out there waiting for us to discover, i can see a lot of valuable lessons to be learnt by us both, and i am solely confident in both of our successes,we will achieve all that we set out to. Bring it on, Say goodbye to fear, it’s time to embrace everything. LOVE LOVE LOVE.”

 

Monday 17th July 2017

“I am truly manifesting my dreams each day of my life, i have been spending all my time away from work writing my blog, and channeling my energy into something beautiful instead of just thinking about what i ultimately want, i have been living my life exactly how i feel like. I feel inspired and can only see bright and exciting opportunities surrounding me. As a whole my mind set is so peaceful, i feel free, i have no worries, no fears of what may come. I am at a place where i accept everything and anything that comes my way, i genuinely feel so much peace surrounding me, i have began to notice how much happier i really am, and how much more confident i have become and how still my mind has become. I only see beauty around me, i feel love and connection to source. I swear sober is the new high, every day i feel excited to continue living my life, like anything is possible. I simply offer my love freely to the universe in order to help heighten the awareness among mankind. My dreams are to save this beautiful planet and the blessed human race who live among it, i only wish to travel the world and spread my love and awareness with whomever i come across. I promise to always live my life through the eyes of love, my mission has began, i am living as my ultimate self each and every day, encouraging others to rise and to see the unlimited power and beauty that they possess inside of them. I will change the world for the better, i will help others to conquer their pain and the illusion of fear. I will achieve these amazing things and nothing will stop me. I am free, and with my freedom i wish to love this universe and the people among it unconditionally each and every single day.

NOW IS THE TIME!”

 

The Present moment- 7th August 2017

So Here i am today, so you see no matter what happens to you, you always have the power to stand up and choose. Choose the life you want to live, choose the person you want to be, the things you want to achieve and accomplish. Life isn’t always easy or fair, but part of life is accepting that we are all going to have our fair shares of ups and downs throughout our lives, and these downs are so important to your strength as a person, without challenges and changes you wouldn’t ever be moving forwards. Part of life is accepting that reality is constantly changing, and in order to live a happy life you have to accept whatever comes your way and make the best of it. You choose how to react to the situations that present themselves to you, You have the ultimate power to feel the pain and let it go, never hold on to what doesn't serve your happiness and positive state of mind, this will only result in an emotional backlog which will end up resulting in an explosion, one that may bring a lot of pain to you and those around you. Don’t make the mistake of being in denial of your pain, face it head on, figure out what makes you happy and go for your hearts desires. Once you begin to affirm to the universe that you are no longer willing to accept this negativity and fear to have power over your minds and hearts you will begin to experience a free-flowing life, a life full of ups and downs but a belief system of ultimate happiness, therefore you will never attach yourself to the circumstances that play out, you will learn to feel the fear and do it anyway, never allowing for negativity to remain embedded on your thoughts and feelings. Okay so you're probably wondering what i’m doing with my life right now? I’ve currently come out of work, i’ve been too and from a few different job opportunities to try and find the right place, but none so far have served my needs, and have unfortunately be unreliable job offers. I am in the process of finding myself a new full-time job a place i can invest all my time and energy into working-hard and saving money, I have two job interviews for this week so we will see how it goes, i'm feeling more than positive about whats's coming next, i know its going to be truly beautiful.

Life is an endless cycle, never give up on what you want, and always accept that you have to take small steps to achieving your goals, don’t allow for yourself to be dis-heartened by something that takes place, make the best of every situation and most importantly learn from every opportunity that presents itself to you. Happiness is a choice, but you also have to work for it, you have to love yourself enough to keep moving forwards, despite challenges you have to keep on moving, gradually growing stronger and stronger, finding yourself more and more. Life’s a flowing journey make the most of each day that comes, never ever doubt your success, because as long as you believe in yourself i promise you, you will achieve everything and anything you wish to.

Be strong enough to say no more to the negativity, be strong and fight for what you love. Own up to the choices you’ve made and start living the best way you know how. We can all choose how we want to live our lives, so tell me what’s your next step?



Transforming grief into acceptance (July 16th 2017)

Forever loving you nathan for the perfect warrior you were and are. 💜

Im going to share a very personal insight with you all about a very close person to me. First id like to start by sharing some knowledge with you about the incredible person he was and the pure being he has gone on to be.

Nathan wood, a beautiful tall handsome ginger young man, aged 16. To me nathan was my brothers best freind, his partner in fun and crime, they were completely and utterly inseparable for many years. He spent a alot of his time at our house with our family for a very long time, he became like a brother to me, i loved him with my whole soul being. I saw him grow up from a young boy to a dashing young man. A wise and fearless soul ready for anything, iv never met a person so beautifully unique that was so up for anything that came his way, he took every day and every opportunity to have fun he never shyed away from experiencing anything and everything within reach.

I always admired and still do till this day how little he cared about what other people thought or said about him. It simply never crossed his mind or even faised him in the slightest, he just continued to be his true authentic self each and every day. 

When he left this reality and all his loved ones, i was completely and utterly heart broken like i never have been ever in my life before. Nothing could ever describe the amount of pain i felt or his family felt, to loose such a incredible person and being from all of our lives, it was the most devistating thing imaginable to accept. That he no longer would bless us with his presence, his charisma, his utterly hilarious,fun loving and cheeky personality. 

I didnt know what to do or how to continue living my life happily, when a person i cared for and loved so intensely and dearly had been stolen away. I didnt leave my bed for months, i just couldnt imagine a postive life or even a life atall without him in my furture. I spent months and months sat writing to him, talking to him, asking him why just why he had to go over and over again. I just couldnt understand why him out of all people had to leave when he did, so young so ready for life. It made me angry that i couldnt of taken his place for him. I began to blame myself, filling my head with "what ifs" what if i could of been there, what if i could of prevented it or some how saved him. 

All his loved ones couldnt and wouldnt accept he had gone when we all heard he was missing, no one once thought he was gone for good. We spent the next few days searching the whole of totnes for him, praying for his safety. When we all found out what had happened i can speak for everyone when i say we didnt believe it, no one could understand how or why it had to be be him. 

I just couldnt pull my self out depression, i felt like if i got on with my life that meant letting go of him, letting go of the idea that he would just suddenly appear at my door and say it was all a practical joke. I spent so long waiting for his return i refused to believe that he had truely left. I was terrifed of him just being a memory, i wanted him to live on forever and ever i never wanted him to be forgotten for the amazing person he was. 

I decided to live my life for me but for him aswell, i decided that in order to keep him alive that meant keeping my burning love for him alive. It meant me living my life for the better, living life the way he did. I decided to adopt the traits and things i loved about him that i was always terrifed to live by. He sparked a new light in me, he made me believe in myself again. 

He taught me so many things, he taught me to never give up on what i wanted, he taught me to never care about what others thought or said about me, and that life is so short none of us ever know how long we have left. And unless we take each day as it comes, and make the most out of all the things we have in our lives, one day it may be to late. He made me realise i had to stand up and be proud of who i am,not to hide away for the sake of worrying about how others will react to the real me. He enabled me to love myself again. 

The truth is people are born and people die, but just because they leave this physical reality it doesnt mean they are gone for good. They live on in spirit and in all of your hearts. The burning love you have for them each day is what keeps them alive. You cannot give up on your lives because a person you loved so much has left this relm and moved on to the next. Death is a painful and heartbreaking thing to come to terms with, but once you learn to accept that its part of life, and that really there is a very very fine line between life and death, so fine that theres really no difference. They may no longer be here physically but they are all around you and will go on to guide and impact your lives each and every day. 

Never stop thinking about that person, keep those memories alive let them live amoungst you and your lives. Let go of all the pain, blame and guilt, move forwards with your head held high forever treasuring the beauty they brang to your life. Allowing your self to move on, heal and grow being proud of the pain and grief you have dealt with, being proud of the new person you have become. Thank that person for blessing you with all that they have taught you, thank them for simply blessing your lives.

Let go, and learn to love and accept the reality for what it is.


Short story- The shift in the abyss of her mind (June 10th 2017)

"The shift has begun, its time to step up"

An endless flow of thoughts consume my mind, fixating themselves on every finite thing surrounding them. It feels like a dark thick fog has taken over, thats forming my every feeling and every judgement, I get lost in the abyss of my mind, not knowing which way to turn or even how to feel. I get lost trying to understand what everything means, why everything's the way it is, and how on earth i'm going to change the world for the better. Everything and nothing makes sense, which is a concept that creates a lot of confusion for me, trapping me into a illusion that keeps me over thinking, that keeps me worrying about never doing enough or achieving enough. It makes me feel alone, like nothing could ever possibly work out? This distasteful all consuming fog is breaking me, from the inside out i'm beginning to disappear, i'm losing my mind, my reality, my everything. This fog just won't leave me. A part of me finds comfort in this fog, as if it were to be a protective blanket of false reassurance, that will always have my back no matter what happens, i will always be able to sit here and live in my mind comfortably, in a place that is safe, continuing to live among this imaginary existence until i die. This part of me enjoys to stay safe, this part of me likes to doubt myself, doubting myself means I never have to try and never have to get out of my comfort zone and learn, I can just sit and think about doing things, but never having to actually do them. That toxic part of me likes to stay in the negative illusion, the idea that everything's already messed up to the point of no return, so why does anything really matter, why does anything I do even matter?

All of a sudden a ferocious battle began to emerge in my mind. Every thought, every part of me pursuing eachother, aggressively fighting off one another as if it were to be a fight to the death, in the space of a split second I have lost all sense of who I am, what I think or what I believe, I have no sense of “right” from “wrong”, is this me finally collapsing?

I have hit the bottom of the dark entwined drop, I now find myself laying at the bottom of my endless pit, on a cold rough surface struggling to see anything around me; I stare up looking and hoping to catch a glimpse of the glowing light above me. But to my utter disappointment all that engulfs me and my surroundings is a black empty nothingness, I see nothing, all I can see is black. But how can this be happening?, how has my mind fallen into a completely black hole, how is it I cannot think, feel or even communicate, but my body is still here functioning, moving, conversing, how does no one know that i've broken inside? How can no one tell that i've left, that i've gone to another realm, and still my body remains in a state of sheer pain, a pain that cannot and should not be experienced. A kind of pain that almost feels normal, because i’ve become accustomed to hiding the pain, for so long i've allowed myself to stay in the illusion of the mind, because I have allowed myself to fall and to keep falling, further and further down until i’ve reached the bottom, until i've reached this cold dark place that I lay among in my mind. How have I lost the light along the way, i'm struggling to understand anything, nothing makes sense to me anymore.

I keep doing really irrational things, I keep making bad decisions, bad judgements, I keep acting out aggressively, I have no control I have no sense of direction, what am I doing and how do I stop this? Its getting worse, I haven't felt connected to myself in what feels like forever now, my mind has been imprisoned, I need to get out. I am hurting people, I am experiencing nothing but pure pain, guilt and hopelessness, I feel numb to the point that nothing could faze me. I'm already lost, so I don’t see the point in taking responsibility for the things i'm doing, everyone probably hates me, I think I hate myself, what's the point in trying, where would I even start?

I need to find my peace, I need to connect with my own love again, I need to break free from this endless pit of destruction, it feels like i’m losing myself but I know that this isn't who I am, this isn't who I want to be, I need to take charge I cannot and will not stay at the bottom of this compelling pit. I can not continue to allow this constant battle to be triggered in my mind. Instantly something connected, at the point of affirming this to myself an eager thought burst through my mind and pierced my every sensation, like a firework exploding, creating sparks and bursts of fresh energy. The first positive thought to have returned to mind, How could I have forgotten the important points to life:

“All that we are and all that we have is experienced through being and living in the now, feeling and experiencing every moment that blesses you, inhaling the energy letting it emerge inside of you, living it, then taking a huge breath and blowing it out, allowing it to dissipate and move on. Follow the light, follow your heart, follow harmony and always remind yourself of who you are. You are GOD; a generator, an operator and also a destroyer, you have the power to create, manifest and destroy. You can create life, live life and take life, but you are ultimately here to BE life. What you feel and think inside is an exact projection of what you will be experiencing on the outside. Externally you will manifest exactly how you choose to see yourself and the world around you, the choice is simple; you either want to live your life through the eyes of love, or you want to live your life through the eyes of fear. Fear is what leads you to remain “comfortable” and “safe” in a delusional state of mind that you didn't really choose to have, as you were never told you had the ultimate choice to live any other way. That fog is ruthlessly intoxicating, it removes you of all your power, eventually you just melt away losing any sense of who you are, what you want and how you would actually like to be living your life. Where as if you choose to live your life through the eyes of love, you will expierence and percieve the world around you with complete acceptance for all that is and with grattitude and unconditional love consuming your whole being, as you begin to understand that everything always unfolds exactly as it needs to within divine timing. You begin to shed your expectations as you learn to live fully in the NOW, embracing every moment that blesses you with it's presence, instead of investing your energy in to worrying and fearing the dead past and the imaginary future. The choice is in your hands.”

How had I forgotten such an important thing, how did I allow myself to fall so far, so far out of alignment that I was no longer me, all it took was me telling myself no more, me telling myself I wouldn’t take it anymore, this is all it took to safely return my truths back to me. It's so obvious and clear to me now that I have the choice to decide, that it's down to me to make changes, it’s now or never. All of the pain is no more, my heart aspires to bigger and brighter things, it knows I deserve more; I know that I deserve more. I am a open vessel in which life flows through me, I am a visitor here to BE and experience life, but to never attach myself to external things, instead to embrace everything with love and compassion and to actually be an oracle of light, a constant flow of energy that's changing and adapting, growing and vibrating. I believe that I can live my life through the eyes of love, i'm ready to say goodbye to the hypnotic fear that has clung onto me for so long.

Now that I remember who I am again, now that I know and feel where my heart lies; and that is with nature, the universe and with the whole of mankind, my heart lies embedded among this earth. It's time to actually be everything I believe in, not just think about it, but to actually be it. It’s time to be the unique captivating energy that I am. I believe that through the eyes of love I will begin to notice the signs from the universe, the signs guiding me towards awareness, change and happiness. As I raise my vibration, through only allowing positive thoughts to influence my mind and decisions, I will begin to see how many others around me are also breaking out of their imprisoned minds, who are also ready to see past the lies and to look beyond physical reality; a reality that encourages you to stay locked inside a box, a reality that will do everything possible to block you from stepping outside of the lines, from moving above and below them. I know that since i’m making the amazing choice to unlock the door and step through, I will never ever want to turn back. I will never focus my mind and thoughts on to negativity or on things I cannot control, I will simply always be an evolving energy that worships love; one love. A universal love, a love for all things, all beings, all creatures and all plants, I am going to embrace a reality of complete purity and of peace.

I am ready to start.

I’m ready to be life, to experience life and to be love, I surrender the outcome to the divine and i’m ready to let go and move on.

"You're not a human being having a spiritual expeirence, You're a spiritual being having a human expeirence" - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin  


NUMEROLOGY

Numerology has began to impact my life in a truely wonderful way, since i have been learning and discovering the incredible powers and vibrations that numbers consist of,  i have been able to find more balance and guidance in my life, therefore have been manifesting a more beautiful reality, a reality of my choice. 

What is numerology? 

Numerology is a universal language of numbers, by breaking down the patterns of the universe in to numbers, we are able to uncover the hidden truths and imformation about the world as a whole, as well as each and every individual here on earth. Numerology analysis consists of your date of birth and your given name at birth, each factor being added up to provide you with the distinct numbers that define your personal characteristics and behaviours.

Five elements to your personal numerology: 

* Your life path number

* Your birthday number 

* Your soul urge number

* Your Expression number 

* Your personality number

In order to discover your own important numbers to each of these aspects, the best websites i have found consisting of the most accurate numerlogy calculations and knowledge of how each aspect is calculated are : numerologist1111.com/ and astrostyle.com/numerology/

Using the numbers to direct and guide your life:

The most helpful aspect to numerology that i have discovered is Numerology guidance cards, they provide you with help, guidance, reasurrance, direction, motivation and perserverance; Aswell as providing you with the knowledge and definitions that each number consists of. At first i was skeptical about how they actually worked and if they actually worked, but as i have began to use my cards in various different spreads, asking various different questions, i have formed a very strong connection to them, and have recieved only accurate and spot on answers and advice every time. 

Check them out, you can buy these cards on amazon: NUMEROLOGY guidance cards by Michelle Buchanan.

 

 

 


Short story- When I awoke (June 1st 2017)

I awoke by the loud obnoxious ringing sounds of my alarm clock gradually getting louder and louder, forcing its noise further and further in to my mind. I then slowly began to move my relucant limbs from my cradle of fantasy. It seemed very much impossible to do so as I felt no physical motavation to make myself leave such a fantastic trance I had been in for the little time i had. 

I finally arose forcing myself to my window that had seeping beams of bright light emerging its way through my dull and derivative curtains, as if they almost wanted me to free them from the tight grasp the force holding them together had on them. I held a tight grip on each corner of my curtains and carefully pushed them away from one another, but at the same time preparing myself for the luminous light awaiting me on the other side. The smoldering burst of bright light blinded me from all sight completely. 

This intense sensation lasted for an enduring amount of seconds before i was able to adjust to the glowing light before my eyes. In seeing such a beautiful and inspiring sight that echoed to the deepest parts of my soul, I assured myself of the distinct oportunities that were drawing me to the outside, the lighter and brighter side of the window. At that point I could of chosen to stay merely glimsing through a thin layer of glass, staying inside, staying in my comfortable bubble of reality and never really allowing my self the chance to step outside, to pierce the oh so comforting bubble. 

I quickly got dressed, not knowing or even thinking about where or what I was going to do, but with an urge of reasurrance and pure eagerness, I trusted that no matter where i was going I knew it was going to be truely beautiful, so I set off down the windey yet assuring paths that lay ahead of me. The incredible aromas of the fresh crisp air astounded me, Making me question wether or not I had ever acknowleged these sensational aromas ever in my life before, or even how many other simple but purely beautiful pleasures in life I had been consistantly and carelessly over looking each and every waking day of my life so far. I felt like I had been reborn, like my senses had been hightened, like a veil of cloud had been finally lifted. 

How could I have ever been so ignorant? How could I have ever not fully opened my eyes, how have I been living my life through such blind eyes and through such a closed heart. All these thoughts and questions were rushing through my mind, violently fighting off one an other, I felt like a blank memory stick that suddenly had heaps of data downloaded on to me. Then for a moment I stopped, my body froze, my mind became empty and blank like a fresh canvas. I felt still, grounded and free from thought. 

To my utter amazement, iI had come across this small yet incredibly detailed creature, I stood still carefully analizing this beautiful and innocent living being that floated before my presence for an everlasting moment. I felt overwhelmed by its beauty, something about this specific being had me completely mesmorised by its utter perfection, every detail,every colour, every pattern. Eventually it fluttered away, and like me carried on down the windey yet assuring paths that lay ahead, but this time with a completely new pair of eyes, this time with a whole new level of awareness. Is this what it feels like to be awake? ..

Only you can choose when your ready to remove and peel back the veil. To open up your heart to the universe, to see reality for what it truely is. 

🌍


Astrology.

Astrotheme.com - A perfect website for a daily horoscope. 

Cafe Astrology.com - Birth charts, in depth information about each of your planet and house placements.

For me astrology has allowed me to understand my self in more depth aswell as giving me insight in to my personality traits and behaviours. Every person takes the information provided very differently, as we all have our own unique perceptions and understandings. But i would truely advise for you all to atleast keep an open mind, research your charts and see if it resonates with you, because more often than not even people that do not believe in astrology, have been utterly amazed at the accuracy when reading up about it. So give it a go, it cant hurt to allow yourself a chance to broaden your mind, understanding and the knowledge you already pocess. 


Positive Affirmations.

You have the power to re-programme your mind, to better your lives and living quality.🕉

Positive affirmations have such an incredibly powerful effect on your mind as well as the way you feel about yourself. When i first started writing and reciting them, dont get me wrong i found it hard, the ego likes to try and make you feel stupid for saying postive things to your self out loud, but do not allow it this power. Once you start to encorperate them in to your daily lives you will begin to live a healthier, happier and more fun reality. They truely will effect all of your lives in such a beautiful way. Iv written some for you all to read, hopefully they will inspire you to give it a go and eventually write your own. 

💜 Love is around every corner and joy fills my entire world. 

💜 I am very thankful for all the love in my life.

💜 I can do it! 

💜 I am discovering new ways to improve my health. 

💜 I respect myself! 

💜 I am divinely guided and protected at all times.

💜 I am ready to claim my own power.

💜 I give myself the gift of freedom from the past. 

💜 I forgive my self for not being perfect, i am living the best way i know how. 

💜 I AM READY TO BE HEALED 

💜 My potential is unlimited

💜 I am now willing to be open to the immense abundance of the universe

💜 I am open to recieve all that the universe has to offer me.

💜 I am releasing all resistance to expressing my creativity fully. 

💜 I am capable of everything and anything i allow myself to be, i am ready and i am open!

💜 I use my thoughts to make my dreams come true 

💜 I serve the greater good and am given all that i need. 

I have recently started to write these on to card with all sorts of colours, cut them out and stick them on my wall. I recite them every morning and every night, it truely has began to impact my life in a powerful and positive way! Try it out, i hope it works for you all. 🕉



My social media.

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