"I am learning a lot about my self currently, I have so many thoughts coursing through my mind, I feel lost in the abyss of my mind. I feel like i’m being tested to my limit in all aspects of my life, to my every mental, physical and emotional length. I feel lost trying to understand why everything’s been placed in front of me all at once, I feel suddenly stuck inside of my mind and unable let go of each consuming thought. I feel disconnected to myself but am trying my hardest to stay on track, to stay happy, to stay positive, it’s hard for me to stay in tune when so many challenges and obstacles are placed in front of my face. I find it hard to ignore everything that is happening around me and too me, I feel everything so deeply and care so much about every little thing, that i have become overwhelmed by the changes and new realities of my life. I’ve adapted to a life here and have lost myself in the details. I’m in a whole new reality with a whole new group of people, again i’ve lost myself in the emotions that im experiencing. I’m just struggling to give myself what i need, as you know i tend to fall into the habit of emerging with the people that are around me in the best way i know how, which is to make effort and try to maintain and build a relationship of trust and respect.
So much is rushing past me, so my knowledge, so many emotions and endless thoughts that follow, my hormone levels are everywhere which is highly understandable due to my period that just won’t stop, i’ve been on it for most of 4 months now, and atm i am still unaware of the reason why. It’s got to the point now that i find myself experiencing a lot of pain and anxiety, i’m stressed about the fact that i’ve been looking for a job for nearly a month now and nothing has worked out, expect for a bartending job I have 2 nights week.. I find myself stressed out about having no money, I am constantly surrounded by the thought of how much I miss Tre and affection especially right now when I feel so lost and all I want is some comfort and for someone to tell me everything’s going to be okay. I feel myself constantly worried about what else i’m going to find out about my health.. Coz at the moment its safe to say I haven’t been experiencing the best news.
I feel stressed and I need to blow it away, but I can’t stop obsessing about fixing everything all at once, I feel frustrated because I don’t have the control at this point, no matter what I put my time and energy in to the universe seems to think no, it just keeps saying no, it has its other plans for me yet again. There is some higher reason is to why this is happening at this point and why everything’s swarming me all at once. It's a fuck loads of tests and lessons in front of me, which i’m finding overwhelming having to try and figure them out all at once. I guess im finding it hard to seperate each “issue” so i’m trying to look at everything at once, but its fucking emotionally and mentaling impossible for me to do so, so i’m bombarding my mind with too much to think about. I feel lost, i’m really missing my companion, my partner in crime, although I know I can live without him happily, I ultimately don’t want to, I choose to be with him because I wanted to experience my life with him, help each other with every little thing, support each other through lessons and challenges that arise, it’s always so much more rewarding to conquer things together through love, support and care for one another.
I feel a bit empty when I don’t have my intimate partner around me, i’m just so passionate and find it hard to be without my loved one. One thing I have realised about myself is that I am fucking resilient, I never give up, and in this case I love my partner so much that although he’s not in my life there’s no reason or doubt in my mind that I wanna spend my life with him so I would never do anything to jeopardize that truth that we both feel and know. I have realised that no matter what happens in my life and that no matter how much shit hits me in the face I will never fall down, but I will experience feeling like I am in the process of falling down, but despite that I have noticed in myself that there is this part of me that will not allow me to fall completely down, and that it keeps me on a level where I am aware of how i’m feeling but always knowing it is temporary, it’s just a stage, it won’t last forever, and it’s my job to remain the light in my life, if my light burned out that’s when I would fall, but it won’t I have a part of myself that truly loves me, and is always there shining the light, I have something always guiding me and preventing me from falling. Despite what emotions I am currently experiencing in my life, I know it will get better, I know things will improve and soon make complete sense.
I guess I find myself to have fallen in to the drama of my mind and life, which is very easy to do so when i’m surrounded by lots of other people. I guess for me right now, part of the ultimate lesson is learning to keep my self balanced emotionally and mentally when living with others, because although at home I lived with my mum and brother, I didn't really live around them, I spent all my time on my own in my shed, writing, centering myself to aid myself from my daily life, but here i’m living in a house with 4 other people and most the time their partners and friends, so therefore am surrounded by so many others energies that I get distracted, and I haven’t been giving myself enough time to zone out of “the reality” and go within to listen to myself and to reflect on the things that are happening each day and each week. I’ve just been surrounding myself among everyone else, I haven’t given myself the time to fully stand back, and just review. It’s finally all caught up with me and now here I am finally realising i’m in this process and that I need time-out. I need me time, just to centre myself and to find the route cause of what’s happening for me right now. I need to tune in and find the answers i’m looking for, really I need to be writing more. Fuck another realisation, i’ve done it yet again. I’ve fixated myself with finding a job, and making money that i’ve lost my confidence as a person as a result of not finding a full-time one, no matter how sad this sounds its the truth, I feel of less worth without money, as soon as I don’t have it I feel like less of a valued person, I feel inadequate and knock myself so much. I also lose my confidence in my strength as a woman when I don’t have intimacy and sexual exchanges with a partner. I almost feel less than when I am not giving or receiving emotional love. I feel unwanted and unloved, it makes me feel almost useless to say the least, which I know is a stupid way to feel, but it’s the truth and I have to face the reality of myself at this point. I guess i’ve also realised that as a person I feel that I need a sense of validation from a person, in order to feel completely happy and content, which isn’t healthy at all and which isn’t the reality of who I am or who I want to be, but due to my fragile emotional well-being atm i’m struggling to pull myself out of this state of mind.
I am just finding life intense atm and just can’t really see ahead or in front of me, i’m facing a time of fogginess and uncertainty. Yet again the fear of uncertainty pops up in my life again, I don’t get why I can’t just let it be, why I feel like I should always know what’s coming next and feel like I need to always be in control, I just don’t understand why I have to feel everything so deeply and intensely why can’t I just feel something but then let it just pass me by, why does everything have to all build up and fit together in a puzzle in my mind till everything finally makes sense and then it falls into place. My mind works like a puzzle, every thought, every idea and every concept flows in and around my mind and doesn’t settle or stop until the puzzle finally fits together, it won’t rest until it finds the answers im looking for.
I have thousands of thoughts consuming my mind that create a sense of fog all around me. I fall in to my mind until I am able to understand fully my awareness of my current reality, until I finally get to the point that everything makes. I have a tendency to beat myself up when I don’t just get it all straight away, and when it takes me time to access and figure the situations and problems if you will, that are current in my life. I expect myself subconsciously to just understand everything, and when I don’t I get frustrated with myself, I criticize myself, doubt myself and instantly go into battle mode with myself. I become at war with myself doubting my every capability and my intelligence and intuition. I blame myself when things go wrong, I blame myself when things don’t make sense or when people are unhappy, I blame myself when I feel an unpleasant emotion or thought, I start to fight myself and make myself suffer. I take everything very seriously and begin to think everything is all my fault I get to a point where I blame myself for everything. I take all the abuse I give myself to heart and end up not knowing where to turn, I guess I fall back into the abyss of my mind and lose touch with reality, back to the dark corners and unpleasant vortex’s that exist in my mind. I guess my comfort and security at this point is in my mind, so i’ve been trying to gain control by obsessing about every point and every thought and situation in my life, but clearly that doesnt work and never has worked but i’m struggling to ground myself in reality. I’m restless and unsure of where i’m needed, where im useful and helping others around me. I guess I almost feel like I have no purpose at this point. Where do I need to be and what should I be doing?.."