My mind is spinning, I feel everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I feel so out of control, as if my decisions are being made for me, my reality has quickly become fragmented and pixilated. I see options at every turn and before I have time to access and analyze the best route to take I find myself suddenly flying past the corner. Time keeps ticking, days past me like seconds, Iam a continuously spinning wheel,a wheel of fortune, a wheel of choice and opportunity. Moving faster than a blink of the eye, I find myself speeding from one thing to another. I have no time to stop, I keep moving, forever adapting and changing. This wheel lands on whatever it chooses, every option and choice is equal and has an even chance of being landed upon. But no matter what I do I have no say on the speed on which I travel, I have no say on where i'm being taken, or what i'm being told to do. It just happens before my eyes and i remain a witness to my own life.
I find myself being guided with no warning or knowledge on what will unfold, I simply take the direction and land upon the person and place that I am needed most. People intrigue me, they are so predictable yet complexly confusing at the same time, they say one thing and do another. This concept remains very confusing to me, when I say how I feel I mean it, when I say what I think I mean it, to me there is no other way to be but myself. No matter who I talk to or communicate with, I will only ever be expressing my truth, but I always make the mistake of expecting others to do the same. I understand that we are all different, but ultimately we are all the same, we have the same needs, desires, we all ultimately need to survive on the same resources, we are all living in different realities that all actually make up one singular reality. A reality of love, passion, truth and integrity. The real reality is love, this is a forgotten truth, over time we have lost faith in love, we have attached ourselves to fear and competition. People intrigue me because they choose to lie, cheat and deceive even though they know what they're doing is wrong, and not who they really want to be? Why be scared of being the best version of yourself you could be, why wouldn't you want to be surrounded by love, trust, honesty and acceptance, why would you choose to be lied to and to lie to others, why choose to be a person that is miserable and unhappy.
This passing thought swirls my mind to cover every inch of the vast depth in which it exists, so many other thoughts find themselves to me, in the space of a second my mind quickly fixates on another thought:
It isn't easy to live among this built up society, So you go to school, you get the grades, you then either choose to go to college/university, or choose to get a full-time job, you then work as many hours a day as possible to start to earn an income or a potential of an income, in the meantime when you do get a little time off all you want to do is go out and get drunk, be reckless and free for just one night, get messy and have fun, or you want to do absolutely nothing and waste all your time watching tv and “relaxing” because you're so exhausted from your “life”. No matter the route you choose each path follows a great amount of hard work, dedication, focus and perseverance. Leaving very little time to actually figure out who you are, who you want to be, how you would love to be spending your days if you never had to work for it? So Society is about work, it is a known expectation to earn a stable income and then eventually after weeks and months of hard work, struggle and a lack of sleep you manage to scrape together enough money to move out and get your own place, or even get a house share with a friend. So then you’ve made the next step, you’re moved out, independent and a respected member of society. You continue to work fulltime, so many hours a week just to get enough money to pay your bills and fund your binge drinking habits. You have no time to actually just be, your mind quickly becomes consumed by so many unnecessary thoughts, without realising we have gradually over time filled our minds with a load of information that we don't need, we end up wasting our energy and time on trying to succeed financially, forever stuck in the same routine and cycle each week,nothing ever really changes, you wake up get ready go to work come home rest sleep, get up and do the same thing. When does life start? When does freedom start? It doesn't seem fair right? Working your lives away to just survive and not even thrive? Even though you're doing everything you could be doing each day to earn that income no matter how hard you work you remain in the same old routines for years of your life. Surely there's more to life than money and pretend characters we have to play. I want to thrive not just survive, I want to be free to love, to grow and to succeed in the areas of my life that I choose to succeed in, I don't want to be worrying about bills, financial deadlines and scheduled meetings. I wanna flow with life and choose what I do and how I want to do it each and every day. No matter what job role you play, there is always someone telling you what to do or even how to do it? There is always a person of more authority than you, surely no one should ultimately have that power over you.
But then I remind myself, it’s all about playing the game, doing your best to succeed in such ludicrous conditions. You have to play the game to beat the game. The goal is freedom, freedom of choice of thought and of deed. No limitations, no rules.. Freedom to come and go as you please. Well guess what you still have this freedom, even if you feel like you're stuck in your character role at your job or as a student at college, each and every day you get to choose how you feel, what you think and the freedom to choose your dreams and goals. You are a beautiful free spirit, you can be whatever you choose to be. This society you live among doesnt have the overall say on what you should and shouldn’t do, you get to choose, and I choose out. Never allow yourself to forget who you are, and what makes you happy, don’t take work and life so seriously that you stress over every small detail of your life, or every detail of every person in your life, people come and go, jobs come and go, it’s part of life accepting the fluctuation of energies that enter your life and then leave your life, don’t get attached to the illusion, don’t fall into the habit of pleasing everyone around you if you're not even pleasing yourself. Take a look at your life, take a look at yourself, and ask yourself, am I really happy? Is this job really what I want to be investing my time into? Are these people i’m surrounding myself with good for me? Am I looking after my health and my mind? Ask yourself these questions and observe what answers come up, follow whats right for you, it’s never too late to start over, to get a new job, to move house/country, to make new friends. It’s never too late to move on and let go of the current reality that isn’t serving you, that isn’t making you happy. No one else will make the right decisions for you, only you know how you feel and what changes you need to make to better your lives and your minds.
Another thought begins to consume my mind:
It can be almost too easy to lose yourself in the process of life, you make a choice and then live with the changes that roll on by, your constantly adapting to what is presented before you that time can pass by so quickly. Before you have time to realise you have merged into the person that you need to be to survive among society, each person is so different and unique in their own way, and most the time they don’t even realise or know how great they really are. They don’t see the quirky, beautiful small details about the way that they are or how they look, act and speak, they don’t see the sparkle in their eye or the creases and dimples in their face that move when they speak, something i've really realised is that very little people see the beauty within themselves,even when it's so outstandingly obvious they have no awareness of their own strengths. People don’t tend to not really know who they are or even see themselves for what they really are, or why it is there actually doing what they're doing, it's almost like they're scared of facing their reality so they just shut away the thought and think about someone else or some other issue they have in their life. I find it sad as IBsee the beauty in all people, their is no boundary for beauty and perfection, each person is ultimately beautifully unique. I just wish people would begin to face themselves and fiercely love themselves for the way that they are, I wish that people would see what i see.
I admire every person and the choices they choose to make, life isn't a walk in the park and decisions can be so hard. We were never handed a guide book, we were never told how to succeed at life, to reach freedom, and I value each and every person's current role in society, we all have our parts to play and we are all doing our best with what we were given in our own unique way. I love you all and all i ask is for you to really look at yourself, really see the beauty, the perfection the unique soul that you truly are, appreciate yourself for everything that you do to survive and to live, respect all the choices you have made in the past were necessary to get you to where you are now, but start looking forwards, think about how amazing you really are and what your life really could be if you believed in yourself. I believe in each and every one of you, I don’t need to know you or see you to know you have fought through thick and thin, you have worked to get to where you are and you are universally appreciated even if you do not see yet. But you will, you will start to see it when you start to live through the eyes of love, when you love yourself and forgive yourself from the past. See your beauty and thrive, follow your dreams they are awaiting for your presence. Don’t lose yourself in the eyes of others, do what makes you happy and always stay true to your heart.
You were Born to THRIVE, you were born to be FREE, and you were born BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE, do not allow for yourself to lose sight of who YOU really are. Keep persevering and never give up on what makes you happy, no matter what happens, pick yourself back up, hold your head high and keep moving forwards. Start looking forwards your present and future realities are waiting to be painted. Love yourself enough to make nessacary changes to your lives.