Welcome to my flowing vortex of unconditional love, lessons, growth and ultimate eternal passion for all that IS.

"A Universal love has no expectation of reciprocation or reward. It is entirely selfless and looks for nothing in return. Universal love is when we treat all of earths beings and creations with care, compassion, patience, kindness and the feeling of complete oneness with them all" 

~Emotions are the gateway to gained wisdom of self ~


Emotional waves (15th Novemeber 2018)

When I was younger I had very little understanding of my own emotions, I was simply ruled by all of the intense emotions that I experienced. I spent my life making decisions and choices based on intense all consuming emotions that I didn’t realise at the time led me to make a lot of reckless choices, choices based on a fleeting moment that then went on to shape my future and manifested a reality that I wasn’t really in control of creating. I have always been a very passionate being, feeling both the extreme sides of sadness and happiness, and sometimes both all at once. I indulged in the emotions I felt, I identified with my emotions as I believed them to be only thing that was real and true to me. Due to allowing my emotions to control and rule my life I experienced a lot of dramatic ups and downs, one minute I would be unbelievably happy and the next moment I would be experiencing the dark depths of sadness, self-doubt and the fear of the unknown. My emotions almost became a second mind of their own, a mind that was very unreliable and inconsistent. I struggled to make choices and decisions and always found my self to be rather hard to deal with, I came up with this whole complex image of who I believed myself to be as I was always so indecisive and fueled by unsurity. I never knew what I really felt as my mind and emotions changed so quickly that I found myself to be very fickle and unsure of what really made me happy. I found myself to be constantly lost searching for something to fill the empty void that I felt within myself, searching for something to help me maintain a positive and happy state of mind as I was exhausted from being continuously sad, depressed and anxious.

Over the years I have began to really understand my emotions a lot more, I now have discovered how to remain equanimous whist always allowing my emotions to flow freely through me but without quickly attaching myself to a quick fix of happiness or sadness to guide me or make choices for me. I have truly learnt and now understand the way in which my emotions work for me and truly can sit back and witness the emotional wave take place without jumping to any sudden conclusions. I have learnt that as I am a truly empathetic being as many of us are, we tend to experience a lot of fleeting emotions and feelings that aren’t even really are own, but we just absorb others emotions all around us. One thing that I have really learnt is that no matter who you are, no matter what material objects you have, or what job you have or relationship you find yourself in, every single person experiences moments of happiness, excitement, sadness, anger and frustration, after all we are all human and cannot dismiss or pretend that these emotions do not arise, as we are all individual and incredibly unique, of course we experience these emotions in very different extremities depending on our conditioning or upbringing.

The important thing to understand is that ALL emotions are fleeting, although they can feel so real and so incredibly powerful and intense when experiencing them, they always pass, they come and go so quickly as everything does in life. All emotions are just various different filters that we temporarily view life through when we absorb and experience each of them.The problem is that none of us have ever been taught how to process or understand our emotions so when a feeling of sadness arises we quickly fall in to a sad state of mind viewing the world around us through a tainted filter and through a warped lense, therefore viewing ourselves and others in a light that isn’t the reality of what is true or real overall, it is merely real to you in that present moment. The emotion takes over your mind and you quickly attach thoughts to this feeling, you quickly find a reason or something to justify why you must be feeling this way, you quickly conjure up something in your mind to make yourself feel as if you have reasons to feel this way. But the truth is most of the time we don't have a reason as to why we are experiencing these emotions, as emotions are free flowing they come and go as they please, they have no real meaning or significance unless we attach meaning to them. Otherwise they are just in fact flushes and waves of energy that temporarily consume your vessel. The thing we fail to recognise is that over time, when we are unaware that these emotions do not define us, we begin to build up this tainted view of everything that surrounds us and an image of yourself that isn’t real, we begin to live through this lense and hold on to this emotion that was meant to be only fleeting, we hold on as it’s a sense of identity and security, as it’s a safe place to remain in your mind where you have the control over how you see the world and yourself, after all if you are pessimistic about life then you can never be really disappointed as you expected the worst anyway.

As time goes on this sadness consumes you it becomes you, as you clung on so tight to that one fleeting moment, you have now created a whole perception of yourself that you struggle to let go of. This eventually results in you developing depression and anxiety, as you now have held so much importance to these emotions that you have now manifested and created a whole mind state that is so powerful as you have fed it so much power over the years. You then find yourself unable to let go of this mindset as it is undoubtedly in control of your life as it is now the way you perceive yourself and everything that happens to you. You see when you see the world through a lense of sadness and fear, no matter what situation aries you find yourself always viewing it from a negative perspective, critically picking it apart and finding the faults , therefore you never really appreciate the things that flow into your life because your so consumed by self-pity and doubt that you no longer see the beauty in life as the sadness rules your mind and life, you still may experience moments of happiness but for some reason you have allowed this emotion to be fleeting but have chosen to cling on to the darker side of life as you believe it to be a more realistic way to respond to life as it is safer and you believe you can never be let down if you already think the worst. Also due to the fact that you had never known how to see emotions as only fluctuating fleeting moments, you had never been taught how to remain equanimous as emotions arose.

Every emotion is meant to be fleeting, after all we are here to experience all emotions so that we get to experience life through many lenses temporarily, but ultimately when you take emotions away you just remain calm, peaceful and equanimous, watching life happen around you, as after all you will always be only a witness of life. The important thing to understand and recognise is that although it may not feel like it at times, you have complete control over how you choose to react to your emotions, yes you may not be able to control what emotions arise, but your power lies in what you retrieve from experiencing that emotion and how you choose to deal with it. As I have always been a very emotionally animated person I truly understand how hard it can be to let go of emotions, they feel SO real? Because there are real but they are only real in the moment you are experiencing them, the most important thing is to simply do nothing. Do absoluting nothing when an emotion arises, sit back and witness your mind try to conjure up a reason as to what’s caused this emotion to spur, sit back and witness how your mind quickly tries to jump to something you did last week or something horrible someone said to you or about you that wasn’t fair, sit back and witness how quickly your mind creates this whole story that now feels so unbelievably real that you believe it with your whole heart and mind, sit back and watch your mind convince yourself that there are reasons as to why you're experiencing these emotions. Because the truth is that all emotions are simply just energy, our body’s pick up on this energy and then we feel it and at the same time as feeling it our mind tries to understand what this energy is? It tries to find a box or category to put it inside of, it does not rest until it thinks it understands what this energy is and why you're experiencing it. But ultimately when you sit back and allow these emotions and this energy to flow through the whole course of your whole body, mind and soul, just watch how it triggers your traumas and past versions of self because it’s almost amusing for me when I observe how my mind tries to create so many false scenarios in my head to pull me in, so that it can remain in control of how I perceive the world around me.

When you start to observe your emotions as they come up instead of just quicky falling victim to them and holding on to them, you will start to gain so much wisdom over the world around you. You will begin to see all emotions are temporary, we all experience emotional waves at different times and we have no control over how or she they fluctuate, it’s just the way that we are designed, we are designed to experience all emotions, but we are not designed to attach ourselves to them. It is our responsibility as conscious beings to remain equanimous when emotions arise, to allow them to course through you and then to let them go not allowing them to taint your view of yourself or your life as you understand that they do not define you, you look around you and realise how divinely blessed you truly are, you realise how abundant you are, how much love you have surrounding your lives and how incredibly blessed you are to have the opportunities to work and earn money to have a roof over your head, food in the fridge and so many loved ones around you.

You look around and realise that no matter what emotion you are feeling in that moment, your overall state of being is unconditional love, you begin to understand the importance of not allowing emotions to rule your life, as when they do this gratitude and appreciation for your life quickly dissipates as you see everything through a warped sense of reality that you don’t really believe in. It is so important to allow yourself the time and space to just feel the emotions you're experiencing, allow your mind to do what it needs to do, just allow it to create stories and try to aggravate you, give yourself time away from everyone to allow this to happen, some of you may even want to write all that you feel as another release. Never act from a place of emotion before you have processed how your feeling, as when an emotion initially arises it is at its heightened point of the wave therefore everything feels dramatically worse or better that it really is therefore if you act from this state you are acting from an irrational and careless state of mind and are projecting all of your erratic energy on to everyone else around you and therefore portraying a false version of yourself.

We all need time to process what we are feeling and during the processing period we begin to gain clarity, we remind ourselves that this feeling is temporary, it will soon be gone and will no longer be real, you remind yourself of all the amazing things you are blessed with in you life and then as your emotion begins to fade you remember how you are only left with acceptance and appreciation, you understand that you have just been on your own adventure of your incredibly unique mind and emotions, you are only ever left with clarity and knowledge of self when you go through a processing stage as so many things arise that you didn’t even know were there as the emotions triggers many traumas that are stored in various parts of your body, blocked up energy that only release themselves when you allow yourself to delve within the depths of your past experiences that you have refused to let go of.

Many people just want to suppress their emotions, they make themselves numb so that they don’t have to process or feel their emotions because they find them too intense to deal with on a daily basis, the thing many people fail to recognise is that they are such powerful beings they are blessed and gifted, the fact that they feel their emotions so intensely is a blessing in disguise, it provides them with so much wisdom if they just allow themselves the space and time to lash out on their own to cry and laugh and shout and release all of the pent up energy that they may be experiencing, once allowing yourself to do this you are left feeling calm and free, like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. It's just so important to realise how much more enjoyable life is when you become the observer of your mind and emotions, I know what many people think that I’m crazy and mad for saying all of this and that it’s easier said than done, but it really is simple. Of course it’s an ongoing process, it takes months, years to understand your own emotional wave and to be able to take yourself away to process your emotions and not allow yourself to act out of pure emotion before processing what your experiencing. All it takes is a powerful mind, a desire to live an equanimeous life and to be able to look around you and understand and see how blessed you really are for your life. All it takes is time out to process and then reminding yourself of all that your grateful for in your life and expressing your appreciation for all that surrounds you either in your mind, written down or out loud and then just blowing out the thoughts and feelings that emerged inside of you and then just allowing yourself to move on and focus on your passions.

Focus on putting all of your energy and emotion in to what you love, move on, let go and get on with something that fills you with happiness and joy. After time passes and you have been continuing to do this practice over and over as any feeling arises , you will begin to reprogram your mind, you will step into the observer of your own mind, you will now understand and see your emotions as tools for growth and wisdom instead of terrifying all consuming feelings that you wish you didn’t have or a hidden pent up boulder of energy building up inside of you due to the suppression of your feelings that eventually bursts out resulting in erratic and impulsive behaviour and actions.

Over time this practice and state of mind becomes real to you just as sadness once was the state of mind you retreated to when anything happened around you. This equanimous state of mind becomes an automatic response to all emotions that arise, no matter what you are feeling temporarily or in the moment, over all you remain in an equanimous state lovingly appreciating all that happens and unfolds around you whilst being grateful for the intense moments you get to experience as life would be a bit boring without any emotions. You will begin to appreciate these emotions as a part of your daily life but you will no longer hold on to them, or fear them, you will no longer allow them to control your life. You will only ever make choices and decisions when acting from a heart space and a centered clear state of mind after having allowed the storm inside of you to settled down and melt away. Over time you realise that no matter what happens to you and no matter what emotion is spurred from that situation, although it feels intensely heightened in those moments you understand it will pass as everything always does.

Time goes so quickly, things change so fast, life is too short to allow yourself to remain stuck in a vicious circle falling victim to your emotions never allowing yourself to ever really move on. YOU have all of your own power, you have the ultimate power: The power to control how you react to everything that you experience and everything that happens in your life, and that is by far the most incredible power of all.


It's never too late to start Again (12th December 2017)

My mind is spinning, I feel everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I feel so out of control, as if my decisions are being made for me, my reality has quickly become fragmented and pixilated. I see options at every turn and before I have time to access and analyze the best route to take I find myself suddenly flying past the corner. Time keeps ticking, days past me like seconds, Iam a continuously spinning wheel,a wheel of fortune, a wheel of choice and opportunity. Moving faster than a blink of the eye, I find myself speeding from one thing to another. I have no time to stop, I keep moving, forever adapting and changing. This wheel lands on whatever it chooses, every option and choice is equal and has an even chance of being landed upon. But no matter what I do I have no say on the speed on which I travel, I have no say on where i'm being taken, or what i'm being told to do. It just happens before my  eyes and i remain a witness to my own life.

I find myself being guided with no warning or knowledge on what will unfold, I simply take the direction and land upon the person and place that I am needed most. People intrigue me, they are so predictable yet complexly confusing at the same time, they say one thing and do another. This concept remains very confusing to me, when I say how I feel I mean it, when I say what I think I mean it, to me there is no other way to be but myself. No matter who I talk to or communicate with, I will only ever be expressing my truth, but I always make the mistake of expecting others to do the same. I understand that we are all different, but ultimately we are all the same, we have the same needs, desires, we all ultimately need to survive on the same resources, we are all living in different realities that all actually make up one singular reality. A reality of love, passion, truth and integrity. The real reality is love, this is a forgotten truth, over time we have lost faith in love, we have attached ourselves to fear and competition. People intrigue me because they choose to lie, cheat and deceive even though they know what they're doing is wrong, and not who they really want to be? Why be scared of being the best version of yourself you could be, why wouldn't you want to be surrounded by love, trust, honesty and acceptance, why would you choose to be lied to and to lie to others, why choose to be a person that is miserable and unhappy.

This passing thought swirls my mind to cover every inch of the vast depth in which it exists, so many other thoughts find themselves to me, in the space of a second my mind quickly fixates on another thought:  

It isn't easy to live among this built up society, So you go to school, you get the grades, you then either choose to go to college/university, or choose to get a full-time job, you then work as many hours a day as possible to start to earn an income or a potential of an income, in the meantime when you do get a little time off all you want to do is go out and get drunk, be reckless and free for just one night, get messy and have fun, or you want to do absolutely nothing and waste all your time watching tv and “relaxing” because you're so exhausted from your “life”. No matter the route you choose each path follows a great amount of hard work, dedication, focus and perseverance. Leaving very little time to actually figure out who you are, who you want to be, how you would love to be spending your days if you never had to work for it? So Society is about work, it is a known expectation to earn a stable income and then eventually after weeks and months of hard work, struggle and a lack of sleep you manage to scrape together enough money to move out and get your own place, or even get a house share with a friend. So then you’ve made the next step, you’re moved out, independent and a respected member of society. You continue to work fulltime, so many hours a week just to get enough money to pay your bills and fund your binge drinking habits. You have no time to actually just be, your mind quickly becomes consumed by so many unnecessary thoughts, without realising we have gradually over time filled our minds with a load of information that we don't need, we end up wasting our energy and time on trying to succeed financially, forever stuck in the same routine and cycle each week,nothing ever really changes, you wake up get ready go to work come home rest sleep, get up and do the same thing. When does life start? When does freedom start? It doesn't seem fair right? Working your lives away to just survive and not even thrive? Even though you're doing everything you could be doing each day to earn that income no matter how hard you work you remain in the same old routines for years of your life. Surely there's more to life than money and pretend characters we have to play. I want to thrive not just survive, I want to be free to love, to grow and to succeed in the areas of my life that I choose to succeed in, I don't want to be worrying about bills, financial deadlines and scheduled meetings. I wanna flow with life and choose what I do and how I want to do it each and every day. No matter what job role you play, there is always someone telling you what to do or even how to do it? There is always a person of more authority than you, surely no one should ultimately have that power over you.

 

But then I remind myself, it’s all about playing the game, doing your best to succeed in such ludicrous conditions. You have to play the game to beat the game. The goal is freedom, freedom of choice of thought and of deed. No limitations, no rules.. Freedom to come and go as you please. Well guess what you still have this freedom, even if you feel like you're stuck in your character role at your job or as a student at college, each and every day you get to choose how you feel, what you think and the freedom to choose your dreams and goals. You are a beautiful free spirit, you can be whatever you choose to be. This society you live among doesnt have the overall say on what you should and shouldn’t do, you get to choose, and I choose out. Never allow yourself to forget who you are, and what makes you happy, don’t take work and life so seriously that you stress over every small detail of your life, or every detail of every person in your life, people come and go, jobs come and go, it’s part of life accepting the fluctuation of energies that enter your life and then leave your life, don’t get attached to the illusion, don’t fall into the habit of pleasing everyone around you if you're not even pleasing yourself. Take a look at your life, take a look at yourself, and ask yourself, am I really happy? Is this job really what I want to be investing my time into? Are these people i’m surrounding myself with good for me? Am I looking after my health and my mind? Ask yourself these questions and observe what answers come up, follow whats right for you, it’s never too late to start over, to get a new job, to move house/country, to make new friends. It’s never too late to move on and let go of the current reality that isn’t serving you, that isn’t making you happy. No one else will make the right decisions for you, only you know how you feel and what changes you need to make to better your lives and your minds.

Another thought begins to consume my mind: 

It can be almost too easy to lose yourself in the process of life, you make a choice and then live with the changes that roll on by, your constantly adapting to what is presented before you that time can pass by so quickly. Before you have time to realise you have merged into the person that you need to be to survive among society, each person is so different and unique in their own way, and most the time they don’t even realise or know how great they really are. They don’t see the quirky, beautiful small details about the way that they are or how they look, act and speak, they don’t see the sparkle in their eye or the creases and dimples in their face that move when they speak, something i've really realised is that very little people see the beauty within themselves,even when it's so outstandingly obvious they have no awareness of their own strengths. People don’t tend to not really know who they are or even see themselves for what they really are, or why it is there actually doing what they're doing, it's almost like they're scared of facing their reality so they just shut away the thought and think about someone else or some other issue they have in their life. I find it sad as IBsee the beauty in all people, their is no boundary for beauty and perfection, each person is ultimately beautifully unique. I just wish people would begin to face themselves and fiercely love themselves for the way that they are, I wish that people would see what i see.

I admire every person and the choices they choose to make, life isn't a walk in the park and decisions can be so hard. We were never handed a guide book, we were never told how to succeed at life, to reach freedom, and I value each and every person's current role in society, we all have our parts to play and we are all doing our best with what we were given in our own unique way. I love you all and all i ask is for you to really look at yourself, really see the beauty, the perfection the unique soul that you truly are, appreciate yourself for everything that you do to survive and to live, respect all the choices you have made in the past were necessary to get you to where you are now, but start looking forwards, think about how amazing you really are and what your life really could be if you believed in yourself. I believe in each and every one of you, I don’t need to know you or see you to know you have fought through thick and thin, you have worked to get to where you are and you are universally appreciated even if you do not see yet. But you will, you will start to see it when you start to live through the eyes of love, when you love yourself and forgive yourself from the past. See your beauty and thrive, follow your dreams they are awaiting for your presence. Don’t lose yourself in the eyes of others, do what makes you happy and always stay true to your heart.

You were Born to THRIVE, you were born to be FREE, and you were born BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE, do not allow for yourself to lose sight of who YOU really are. Keep persevering and never give up on what makes you happy, no matter what happens, pick yourself back up, hold your head high and keep moving forwards. Start looking forwards your present and future realities are waiting to be painted. Love yourself enough to make nessacary changes to your lives.


It all starts with YOU.

Loving yourself is the only path to true happiness🕉

"Dont take anything personally, nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality,  their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you will no longer  be the victim of needless suffering" Love your self, you deserve it!

Each and every person is consumed by a number of emotions, worries, dreams, fears and so on, no persons opinions of you mean anything, if anything they are projecting their hidden self-doubts on to you, or maybe your even projecting your little self worth on to the idea that a person is thinking these negative things towards you. My point is each person is soley living in their own reality, their own dreams, every person is trying to do their best to figure them selfs out let alone uncover the truths of this world, theres no point sitting there dwelling and worrying about how others see you because all that matters is how YOU see yourself. 

The most important thing is accepting where you are now, despite the things you might not like about your self, because each day you wake up you have a new opportunity to re-create yourself, try new things, learn new topics, do new hobbies.. each day is a chance to realise that you are who YOU choose to be, not how you are seen by others. You see a person can only "see" you or meet you as deeply as they have met themselfs, so in other words some people just arent ready to see their own brilliance and unlimited potential so therefore have not the capacity to see you as the perfect warrior that you are. 

As soon as you start to accept this truth your life will become effortless and manifesting your dreams will become so simple. The truth that YOU have all the power, only YOUR opinion of yourself matters, only YOU create your reality, only YOU are meant to see the true beauty of yourself, until you live by these ultimate underlying truths, you will only continue to attract people in to your life that arent ready to love you, that arent ready to fully see you or appreciate the real you. Until you appreciate your true authentic self you cannot expect to attract anything more in to your life, as the law of attraction states "like attracts like" so the energy you give out is excatly what you will get back. Vibrate higher, tune in to the divine source of mother nature, realise you can be ANYTHING and create ANYTHING that you choose to.

It all starts with YOU. 


Positive affirmations

Positive affirmations have such an incredibly powerful effect on your mind as well as the way you feel about yourself. When i first started writing and reciting them, dont get me wrong i found it hard, the ego likes to try and make you feel stupid for saying postive things to your self out loud, but do not allow it this power. Once you start to encorperate them in to your daily lives you will begin to live a healthier, happier and more fun reality. They truely will effect all of your lives in such a beautiful way. Iv written some for you all to read, hopefully they will inspire you to give it a go and eventually write your own. 

💜 Love is around every corner and joy fills my entire world. 

💜 I am very thankful for all the love in my life.

💜 I can do it! 

💜 I am discovering new ways to improve my health. 

💜 I respect myself! 

💜 I am divinely guided and protected at all times.

💜 I am ready to claim my own power.

💜 I give myself the gift of freedom from the past. 

💜 I forgive my self for not being perfect, i am living the best way i know how. 

💜 I AM READY TO BE HEALED 

💜 My potential is unlimited

💜 I am now willing to be open to the immense abundance of the universe

💜 I am open to recieve all that the universe has to offer me.

💜 I am releasing all resistance to expressing my creativity fully. 

💜 I am capable of everything and anything i allow myself to be, i am ready and i am open!

💜 I use my thoughts to make my dreams come true 

💜 I serve the greater good and am given all that i need. 

I have recently started to write these on to card with all sorts of colours, cut them out and stick them on my wall. I recite them every morning and every night, it truely has began to impact my life in a powerful and positive way! Try it out, i hope it works for you all. 🕉


Love yourself first (22nd December 2017)

As a born empath I have always with held the upmost empathy and care for all people and beings around me, so much so that I spent alot of my life living for the sake of other peoples happiness. I always felt the need to dedicate all my time and energy in to ensuring that all the people around me got healing and as much help as humanly possible, I focused on providing everyone with my love and care, I spent alot of years of my life surrounded by toxic people and energies, purley because I knew I had the power to help them rise out of their depression, their fears and there self hate, I felt ablighed to ensure everyones positive state of mind. 

This resulted in me attracting alot of pain in to my life, a lot of emotions and energies that just simply were not mine, before I could do anything about it I realised the mistakes I had been making for so long. I had the wrong idea about my powers and my natural abilities, I had been choosing to take the responisibilty for other peoples pain. When the truth is it had nothing to do with me, and infact only a person can truely rise and overcome their negative emotions when they are ready, when they realise on their own what they need to do, when they are truely aware of the steps they need to take.

It is also is safe to say I ended up in a few different toxic relationships, I realised that all along I had been allowing myself to be emotionally and mentally drained trying with my whole being to heal the guys I believed I was so in love with. I thought that if I could love and care for that person enough that they would begin to see how truely amazing they really were away from there human conditionings away from their ego based identities, I thought I had the power to heal them so that they would be able to then love me fully. I allowed myself to be with people who I knew didnt have the capacity to fully love me or appreicate me for who I really was, in the hope that all my time and energy would be returned when they were ready to give it to me. I made the mistake of expecting someone else to love me, even though I didnt truely love myself.

I forgot about my needs and what I ultimately deserved, I put all my feelings aside and focused my mind soley on the next thing I could do or say to ensure their happiness, I dedicated by whole soul and being into those people and only ever got consistantly hurt over and over. You see my mistake was not realising that by neglecting myself that I was the one causing myself pain, not them, it was all me. 

It got to the point that I ended up falling in to a deep depression, I adopted an awful amount of anxiety about every little thing you can think possible. I never left the house, I sat dwelling on how shit I felt, how much I hated what I had allowed myself to become, I blamed myself for it all. I fell so far down the rabbit hole that I no longer saw the light. But the whole time knowing excatly what I needed to do to better my life, but at that point I just had no self-worth, I lost all desire to live life, I just felt like giving up I didnt ever see it getting any better. 

Until one day I grew so sick of feeling sorry for myself, for blaming external forces, for sitting there and thinking about all the pain I had in my life. All my negative energy and surpressed emotions came out with one big bang, resulting in me committing actions that were completely agasint my beliefs and morals, I became so hurt and broken by consistant dissapointment and neglect. This explosion changed the course of my life, I finally crossed the line and saw the truth. I just couldnt take it anymore, I decided to stand up, take responisibility for the things I had done and said, I decided to pull myself out of the pain and let go of my past. I decided I could be anything I chose to be, I decided to transform all my energy in to truely creating a beautiful reality for myself. I realised that I needed to learn to love myself amd to start living my life for me and not for everyone else. I realised that if I didnt do anything to change the reality I had been choosing, that no one else was going to do anything about it, and that only I had the power to re-programme my mind to see life in a more positive and light-hearted way, only I had the power to let go and move on.

I detached myself from all toxic people and energies in my life, I decided to be alone. After spending over 4 years in and out of different toxic relationships and my whole life in and out of toxic friendships I just couldnt allow myself to be drained by anyone anymore. I knew I deserved better, I had to find my path and be alone. I had to learn to love and value myself again. I decided my energy was best invested in myself, as I truely deserved to be happy. At that point everything started to change, I became in tune with universe again, everything I was asking for was being given to me and I finally began to find my way.

You see when you decide that your worthy, that you deserve happiness, that you are the only person whos going to be with you throughout your life, and unless you treat your self with love and respect that you will only ever attract people in to your life that are broken. People that arent ready to love you, because they haven't learnt to love themselfs. When you finally stand up and say no more, the universe will start to bring people in to your life that are truely worthy of your love and energy, and until that point you can focus on giving yourself everything that you need with out expecting to receive anything from anyone else. You cannot fix or save toxic people, they have to want it themselfs, and if you truely love yourself you will not allow your self to be "loved" by a person who pocesses these negative emotions and conditionings, you will not allow your true beauty to be abused by that negative energy.

Do not settle for less than you deserve. Stay alone, learn to love yourself and make yourself happy, do not rely on others to fill that hole within yourself, because no person can love you nor you can fully love someone else until you learn to love yourself, until you are soley dependent on your own happiness. Be cautious about who you are allowing in to your lives, be cautious about who your investing your energy in to, not everyone is worth the effort and time. Its alot harder to detach yourself from a person who you've allowed so close to you, than it is to not let them in to your life in the first place. 

Stay true to your heart and soul, listen to the inner voice that crys out. Never doubt your worth or what you deserve! You are amazing and can have all that you choose to. 

🕉


Transforming grief into acceptance (16th July 2017)

I am going to share a very personal insight with you all about a very close person to me. First I would like to start by sharing some knowledge with you about the incredible person he was and the pure being he has gone on to be.

Nathan wood, a beautiful tall handsome ginger young man, aged 16. To me nathan was my brothers best freind, his partner in fun and crime, they were completely and utterly inseparable for many years. He spent a alot of his time at our house with our family for a very long time, he became like a brother to me, I loved him with my whole soul being. I saw him grow up from a young boy to a dashing young man. A wise and fearless soul ready for anything, I have never met a person so beautifully unique that was so up for anything that came his way, he took every day and every opportunity to have fun he never shyed away from experiencing anything and everything within reach.

I always admired and still do till this day how little he cared about what other people thought or said about him. It simply never crossed his mind or even faised him in the slightest, he just continued to be his true authentic self each and every day. 

When he left this reality and all his loved ones, I was completely and utterly heart broken like I never have been ever in my life before. Nothing could ever describe the amount of pain I felt or his family felt, to loose such a incredible person and being from all of our lives, it was the most devistating thing imaginable to accept. That he no longer would bless us with his presence, his charisma, his utterly hilarious,fun loving and cheeky personality. 

I didnt know what to do or how to continue living my life happily, when a person I cared for and loved so intensely and dearly had been stolen away. I didnt leave my bed for months, I just couldnt imagine a postive life or even a life atall without him in my furture. I spent months and months sat writing to him, talking to him, asking him why just why he had to go over and over again. I just couldnt understand why him out of all people had to leave when he did, so young so ready for life. It made me angry that I couldn't of taken his place for him. I began to blame myself, filling my head with "what ifs" what if i could of been there, what if I could of prevented it or some how saved him. 

All his loved ones couldnt and wouldnt accept he had gone when we all heard he was missing, no one once thought he was gone for good. We spent the next few days searching the whole of totnes for him, praying for his safety. When we all found out what had happened I can speak for everyone when I say we didnt believe it, no one could understand how or why it had to be be him. 

I just couldnt pull my self out depression, I felt like if i got on with my life that meant letting go of him, letting go of the idea that he would just suddenly appear at my door and say it was all a practical joke. I spent so long waiting for his return I refused to believe that he had truely left. I was terrifed of him just being a memory, i wanted him to live on forever and ever I never wanted him to be forgotten for the amazing person he was. 

I decided to live my life for me but for him aswell, I decided that in order to keep him alive that meant keeping my burning love for him alive. It meant me living my life for the better, living life the way he did. I decided to adopt the traits and things I loved about him that I was always terrifed to live by. He sparked a new light in me, he made me believe in myself again. 

He taught me so many things, he taught me to never give up on what I wanted, he taught me to never care about what others thought or said about me, and that life is so short none of us ever know how long we have left. And unless we take each day as it comes, and make the most out of all the things we have in our lives, one day it may be to late. He made me realise I had to stand up and be proud of who I am, not to hide away for the sake of worrying about how others will react to the real me. He enabled me to love myself again. 

The truth is people are born and people die, but just because they leave this physical reality it doesnt mean they are gone for good. They live on in spirit and in all of your hearts. The burning love you have for them each day is what keeps them alive. You cannot give up on your lives because a person you loved so much has left this relm and moved on to the next. Death is a painful and heartbreaking thing to come to terms with, but once you learn to accept that its part of life, and that really there is a very very fine line between life and death, so fine that theres really no difference. They may no longer be here physically but they are all around you and will go on to guide and impact your lives each and every day. 

Never stop thinking about that person, keep those memories alive let them live amoungst you and your lives. Let go of all the pain, blame and guilt, move forwards with your head held high forever treasuring the beauty they brang to your life. Allowing your self to move on, heal and grow being proud of the pain and grief you have dealt with, being proud of the new person you have become. Thank that person for blessing you with all that they have taught you, thank them for simply blessing your lives.

Let go, and learn to love and accept the reality for what it is.

This tattoo meanss alot to me, forshowing the ultimate light nathan brang to my life, he was and allways will be the sun in my life. Big love to you, you beautiful warrior soul. X